The Mental Health Team I visited in November recommended Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert (2000) Robinson, London. I must admit; though I am not totally sure that I am 'suffering' from Depression (I feel its something that comes and goes rather than being with me all the time) I found it very useful. I have therefore highlighted a few of the main and - I think - most important points below:
Shoulds and musts and oughts. We feel very disappointed when things don’t turn out as the ‘should’ says. Depression is commonly associated with blocks to major life goals. It is often helpful therefore, to explore in what way you feel blocked in your goals and/or feel socially thwarted, frustrated and disappointed. This frustration and disappointment will relate to your expectations, hopes, aspirations and ideals. Are your ideals realistic? Are you disappointed because you feel ashamed at not making your ideals?
Emotions and their uses:
Anger tends to be brought into play when goals are blocked – it makes us try harder. It can also be used to retaliate against another person if he/she is the source of the blocking or threat. Anxiety is focused on threats – it gives us a sense of urgency, prompting us to do something to escape or reduce the potential harm of a threat. Disgust makes us want to expel noxious substances or turn away from them. Jealousy may be useful to ensure that actual or potential lovers stay loyal. Love cements bonds and makes people support and care for each other. Guilt makes us wary of exploiting or harming others, and prompts us to try to repair the relationship if we do.
Paul believes (as many others do) that depression is caused by automatic thinking. Once you begin to question your thoughts, you can begin to heal the depression. Think: What is the evidence that may support my belief and what is the evidence that may not support it? How would I typically see this if I were not depressed? To what degree therefore is this way of thinking reflecting my mood state rather than some ‘truth’? What alternatives might there be to this view? What other explanations may there be for this event? If I had a friend who felt like this, how would I help them to see this differently? How could I break this problem down into smaller chunks?
I wish you a Happy New Year - Wherever, Whoever, Whatever you may be!!
Monday 31 December 2007
Friendship - Part Two
Here is the poem I promised about friendship at Christmas:-
Rhyme to remember my friends
I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book.
And every year at Christmas time I go and have a look.
And that is when I realize that these names are a part,
Not of the book they’re written in, but of my very heart.
For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime.
And in that meeting they’ve become the rhythm of rhyme.
And while this sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,
I really feel I am composed of each remembered name.
And while you may not be aware of any special link,
Just meeting you shaped my life more than you think.
For once you’ve met somebody, the years cannot erase.
The memory of a pleasant word or of a friendly face.
So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,
Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas card that is addressed to you,
It’s because you’re on the list of folks I am indebted to.
For you are but a total of the many folks I’ve met,
And you happen to be of those I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you for many years or few,
In some way you have a part to play in shaping things I do.
For every year when Christmas comes, I realize anew,
The biggest gift that life can give is meeting folks like you.
And may the spirit of Christmas that forever and ever endures
Leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours.
Peter Scarcliffe, Lincoln (This poem appeared in the Lincolnshire Echo a few years ago and I have kept it in my 'Christmas Box' so am reminded of it every year. I don't know Peter, but Thanks to him wherever he may be. )
Rhyme to remember my friends
I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book.
And every year at Christmas time I go and have a look.
And that is when I realize that these names are a part,
Not of the book they’re written in, but of my very heart.
For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime.
And in that meeting they’ve become the rhythm of rhyme.
And while this sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,
I really feel I am composed of each remembered name.
And while you may not be aware of any special link,
Just meeting you shaped my life more than you think.
For once you’ve met somebody, the years cannot erase.
The memory of a pleasant word or of a friendly face.
So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,
Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas card that is addressed to you,
It’s because you’re on the list of folks I am indebted to.
For you are but a total of the many folks I’ve met,
And you happen to be of those I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you for many years or few,
In some way you have a part to play in shaping things I do.
For every year when Christmas comes, I realize anew,
The biggest gift that life can give is meeting folks like you.
And may the spirit of Christmas that forever and ever endures
Leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours.
Peter Scarcliffe, Lincoln (This poem appeared in the Lincolnshire Echo a few years ago and I have kept it in my 'Christmas Box' so am reminded of it every year. I don't know Peter, but Thanks to him wherever he may be. )
Friday 21 December 2007
Wednesday 19 December 2007
Friendship
You can spend your life trying to be popular but, at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather. Frank Skinner
Friendship is a strange animal and Christmas is the time when cards and emails appear from people you have not seen or heard from in 12 months. Are these people friends or simply acquaintance's? And if we continue sending cards every year, but never see each other again for the next twenty years, is that a good thing? I have a poem somewhere which sums this up beautifully....
Friendship is a strange animal and Christmas is the time when cards and emails appear from people you have not seen or heard from in 12 months. Are these people friends or simply acquaintance's? And if we continue sending cards every year, but never see each other again for the next twenty years, is that a good thing? I have a poem somewhere which sums this up beautifully....
Losing a Baby on Channel 5 (part two)
Back in September I highlighted the Wright Stuff programme where the issue of miscarriages was discussed. I recently re-watched the programme and have highlighted below a number of things that were said:
A quarter of all pregnancies will end in the first 24 weeks.
‘It’s like planting seeds; some of them grow and some of them don’t.’
Marie, Surbiton (Husband)
Its not personal.
It’s like a thousand piece puzzle. You don’t know which piece is missing.
And ultimately; Don’t give up hope.
A quarter of all pregnancies will end in the first 24 weeks.
‘It’s like planting seeds; some of them grow and some of them don’t.’
Marie, Surbiton (Husband)
Its not personal.
It’s like a thousand piece puzzle. You don’t know which piece is missing.
And ultimately; Don’t give up hope.
Old Wives’ Tales – Fact of Fiction?
Carrying Position – the position of the bump is the most cited way of determining the sex of your baby. If it is high and around the sides you are having a girl and if it is low and out front you are having a boy.
Cravings – Sour cravings are meant to be created by boys and sweet cravings are supposed to be caused by girls.
Mothers age and year of conception – if both are odd or both are even then you are likely to have a girl. If one is odd and the other even you are likely to have a boy.
The Key Test – If the mother picks up a house key by the round end it is a girl, if it is grasped by the long end it is a boy. Grabbing the middle means twins.
Hefty Husband – If the father gains weight during pregnancy it is predicted it will be a girl.
The Ring Test – Put a ring on a piece of string or a necklace and hold it over the palm of the hand or the bump. If it swings back and forth it is a boy and if it makes a circular pattern it’s a girl.
Cravings – Sour cravings are meant to be created by boys and sweet cravings are supposed to be caused by girls.
Mothers age and year of conception – if both are odd or both are even then you are likely to have a girl. If one is odd and the other even you are likely to have a boy.
The Key Test – If the mother picks up a house key by the round end it is a girl, if it is grasped by the long end it is a boy. Grabbing the middle means twins.
Hefty Husband – If the father gains weight during pregnancy it is predicted it will be a girl.
The Ring Test – Put a ring on a piece of string or a necklace and hold it over the palm of the hand or the bump. If it swings back and forth it is a boy and if it makes a circular pattern it’s a girl.
Friday 14 December 2007
Another Quote:
The clouds above us join and separate,
The breeze in the courtyard leaves and returns,
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?
Lu Yu Quoted in Benjamin Hoff The Tao of Pooh (1984)
The breeze in the courtyard leaves and returns,
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?
Lu Yu Quoted in Benjamin Hoff The Tao of Pooh (1984)
Thursday 13 December 2007
Attitude
If you think you are beaten, you are
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost certain you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost
For out of the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will –
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are
You’ve got to think high to rise
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost certain you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost
For out of the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will –
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are
You’ve got to think high to rise
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
Self Help
Well, its been a weird year and I thought I would end it with a weekend of reading ‘self help’ books. I was given one recommendation at my visit to the Mental Health Team and the rest I had on either my Amazon wish list or I just happened to pick them up the library when I was there… The first one (the smallest) I read most of while The Bull was taking his Grade 7 Piano Exam this morning. This was one I just picked off the shelf at the library. It was Notes From A Friend by Anthony Robbins. One of the quotes he gave was: Beliefs are like tables. We can develop them about anything if we just find enough legs to support them.
Another one I picked off the shelf was (Help Yourself) Release Your Stress by Susan Balfour. What was good about this book was that she gave a biological explanation of rapid and shallow breathing; which I felt helped me to really understand my feelings of panic. Comments such as; It is a physiological fact that you cannot feel anxious and breathe calmly at the same time, so learning to breathe correctly gives you the key for controlling your emotional responses.
I also liked this comment made by Anne Jones in The Ripple Effect: A Guide to Creating Your Personal Spirituality; Most of our anxieties come from worrying about what is going to happen. Deliberately stop from time to time in your day and think about what is happening to you at the present moment. Enjoy the moment and think about now, not the past or the future.
Another one I picked off the shelf was (Help Yourself) Release Your Stress by Susan Balfour. What was good about this book was that she gave a biological explanation of rapid and shallow breathing; which I felt helped me to really understand my feelings of panic. Comments such as; It is a physiological fact that you cannot feel anxious and breathe calmly at the same time, so learning to breathe correctly gives you the key for controlling your emotional responses.
I also liked this comment made by Anne Jones in The Ripple Effect: A Guide to Creating Your Personal Spirituality; Most of our anxieties come from worrying about what is going to happen. Deliberately stop from time to time in your day and think about what is happening to you at the present moment. Enjoy the moment and think about now, not the past or the future.
Sunday 2 December 2007
On the first day of Christmas....
Well, actually its now the 2nd December and I have been neglecting my blog. Following the 'blues' referred to in the last post, I thought it a good idea to go and see my Dr who then referred me to the local Mental Health Team. My initial appointment came through very quickly and I saw a nice lady who suggested I was 'Depressed'. I admit I suffer from anxiety and stress but to be told I am 'depressed' was a bit upsetting as I am one of the most jolly people I know!! Or am I? Anyway, she suggested a number of books that might be helpful and her closing words were to Increase Pleasures and Decrease Responsibilities!! So I am going to try...
I have tried to chill this week and went to see a friend who dyed my eyelashes and gave me a french manicure. More of this I think, as I felt very relaxed!! I was on my own last night so tried to get my house in order for Christmas and read through some of the books etc. that have proved helpful in the past. The main areas I need to focus on at the moment are:
Forget Should and Ought. Just think 'I would like to...'
Concentrate on my self worth and not my achievement.
Express my needs. Eliminate Negatives.
Set lower and more realistic standards.
Prioritise. Don't overload my timetable!
Take time out to exercise and relax.
Look towards the pleasure of success rather than the fear of failure.
And this should lead to a very Merry Christmas!!??
I have tried to chill this week and went to see a friend who dyed my eyelashes and gave me a french manicure. More of this I think, as I felt very relaxed!! I was on my own last night so tried to get my house in order for Christmas and read through some of the books etc. that have proved helpful in the past. The main areas I need to focus on at the moment are:
Forget Should and Ought. Just think 'I would like to...'
Concentrate on my self worth and not my achievement.
Express my needs. Eliminate Negatives.
Set lower and more realistic standards.
Prioritise. Don't overload my timetable!
Take time out to exercise and relax.
Look towards the pleasure of success rather than the fear of failure.
And this should lead to a very Merry Christmas!!??
Wednesday 21 November 2007
Nearly a week has gone by....
....and I am not sure what I have been doing. Looking at my last post it looks like I was doing well, but unfortunately this didn't last long, as I had an attack of the blues again over the weekend. This meant that temperature charting, dieting, exercise and writing, all went down the pan. But at least I gathered enough strength to go and see Bill Bailey on Saturday night. We had had the tickets since April, so The Bull wasn't going to let me stay at home. What caused the blip I don't know. (Although I have been pushing myself quite hard this last week, and three of the girls from work came for lunch on Monday....) I went to see the Dr yesterday and she would not put me on tablets, which it probably for the best, but said to wait and see what the next few weeks bring. I know I need to do more exercise and to be less critical of myself, but it is hard. I want everything done NOW! I am going to acupuncture this afternoon and am hoping she will sort me out....
Tuesday 13 November 2007
Charting My Temperature
Went to Acupuncture on Friday and I really do feel better for going - although it was quite painful in my wrist this week - which is a good sign...Anyway, she gave me a chart to start taking my temperature; starting the first day of my period - which was Friday. The chart also asks for pain levels, amount of blood, feelings of well being etc.
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/pregnancyandbaby/fertility/conception/qas/0,,4_162280,00.html says: You should take your temperature orally each morning before getting up, eating or drinking. BBT charting is a useful tool in the evaluation and treatment of infertile couples because of its ability to confirm ovulation. Careful review of BBT charts with your GP will identify the most fertile times in your cycle. The mechanism underlying the biphasic nature of an ovulatory BBT is the production of progesterone after ovulation. Progesterone is a thermogenic hormone which usually causes a rise in the basal temperature of 0.4 to 1.0 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, after ovulation, and the production of progesterone by the corpus luteum, the basal temperature rises. When LH (the ovulatory trigger) measurements are correlated with BBT charts, it appears that the temperature rise usually occurs two days after the LH surge. The temperature elevation is associated with serum progesterone levels greater than 4 ng/ml. Ovulation usually occurs one day before the temperature rises. The temperature usually stays raised for 10 days. BBT evaluations only confirm, but do not predict, ovulation, and can be affected by many factors resulting in inaccuracies. Despite these limitations, it remains a useful tool in the evaluation and treatment of infertility and is often recommended.
What I still can't get over is how clumsy I always seem before my period and also how Obsessive I get about the place being tidy - which is a good thing as far as it goes but this weekend I went off a bit OCD!! Went out Saturday night for a meal with the girls and did not drink, but did have a couple of glasses on Sunday night. Back to the gym Monday but it looks like its going to be Fish and Chips for tea tonight....
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/pregnancyandbaby/fertility/conception/qas/0,,4_162280,00.html says: You should take your temperature orally each morning before getting up, eating or drinking. BBT charting is a useful tool in the evaluation and treatment of infertile couples because of its ability to confirm ovulation. Careful review of BBT charts with your GP will identify the most fertile times in your cycle. The mechanism underlying the biphasic nature of an ovulatory BBT is the production of progesterone after ovulation. Progesterone is a thermogenic hormone which usually causes a rise in the basal temperature of 0.4 to 1.0 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, after ovulation, and the production of progesterone by the corpus luteum, the basal temperature rises. When LH (the ovulatory trigger) measurements are correlated with BBT charts, it appears that the temperature rise usually occurs two days after the LH surge. The temperature elevation is associated with serum progesterone levels greater than 4 ng/ml. Ovulation usually occurs one day before the temperature rises. The temperature usually stays raised for 10 days. BBT evaluations only confirm, but do not predict, ovulation, and can be affected by many factors resulting in inaccuracies. Despite these limitations, it remains a useful tool in the evaluation and treatment of infertility and is often recommended.
What I still can't get over is how clumsy I always seem before my period and also how Obsessive I get about the place being tidy - which is a good thing as far as it goes but this weekend I went off a bit OCD!! Went out Saturday night for a meal with the girls and did not drink, but did have a couple of glasses on Sunday night. Back to the gym Monday but it looks like its going to be Fish and Chips for tea tonight....
Saturday 10 November 2007
How is the list going?
Nearly a week later and the list is going well-ish i.e. not as good as I would like but not a total disaster!! Just had a week of ups and downs. Didn't go to the usual gym class on Monday as I still felt a bit off and I had been sent some photos of me at my cousins wedding. This was a week after 'the trouble' so of course I looked fat!! I didn't like them at all and have been in tears twice this week when looking at them; first via the email and then via a short powerpoint presentation. Obviously, the pics weren't all me looking fat - only a couple - but it still upset me.... So I went to a new exercise class on Thursday night: Fat Attack, but I thought for the amount I paid there should have been more fat attacked, so I shall not be going again! Have stuck with the no-alcohol and even bought a bottle of no-alcohol wine. Once again, I will not be spending money on that - appletise would have been better. This was not wine, it was lighter fuel and without alcohol!!
As for the writing, have not made double figures yet but did have a very good morning on Wednesday when I met with a real life P.I. (see other blog). What I was really pleased about was actually driving there all by myself. I had a few nervous moments along the way, but I made it and was really pleased I did because I got a lot from it with regards to my novel!!
As for the writing, have not made double figures yet but did have a very good morning on Wednesday when I met with a real life P.I. (see other blog). What I was really pleased about was actually driving there all by myself. I had a few nervous moments along the way, but I made it and was really pleased I did because I got a lot from it with regards to my novel!!
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Monday Blues
Perhaps it was a bit of the morning after the night before blues, but yesterday I felt awful. I did end up have a 'few' glasses of wine at the party, which I know was silly considering....but I don't think it was an excessive amount. I probably felt it more because I have not been drinking that much lately. I did manage to tidy the house up but felt flat all day. And then my uncle sends me some photos of my cousins wedding, which took place a week after 'the trouble'. I look enormous - pregnant - which of course by then, I wasn't!! I was very upset and ended up not going to the gym and sitting and eating chocolates all night - not good!!
This morning though I was up and walking just after 9am. There are only 44 days to my brothers wedding. I am going to try to fulfil the following list every day until then:
This morning though I was up and walking just after 9am. There are only 44 days to my brothers wedding. I am going to try to fulfil the following list every day until then:
- Exercise at least once a day (twice if possible)
- Eat healthily and No Alcohol!!
- Write at least 2000 words a day (see: http://theonlyconsequence.blogspot.com/)
- Keep up with both blogs.
Monday 5 November 2007
Bonfire Night 2007
Here is a photo of me and my sparkler at our small Bonfire Party we had Sunday night! Although last year we had over 30 people come to our party, this year it was just over 10. The phrase Quality Not Quantity springs to mind as it was a lovely evening; spent with all our 'real' friends who we see a lot of anyway, not just people who turn up when there is a party!!
Saturday 3 November 2007
Bonfire Night
Hope you are all having a great bonfire (Saturday) night. I am sat at the computer with a scaredy cat listening to Rainbow's Greatest Hits (not Zippy and Bungle, no!)So far, I have spent £39 for a small box of fireworks and some sparklers, plus 2 bottles of wine, sausages and mushy peas at approx £30!! Silly really....
The photo is of last years bonfire. Due to the addition of three chickens and a recently seeded lawn - added to the fact we nearly lost the trees to the left of the picture - we have decided to have only a small affair tomorrow night....
Friday 2 November 2007
Counting Socks
After three days helping P.Diddy out in the shop, I am back to the life of a Housewife. Just rang the Bull to ask him about the washing instructions on his jumper and ended up discussing the amount of socks in the wash basket!! I need to get a life!
But working in the shop for three days was a good thing. After feeling really nervous about whether I could do it, I really enjoyed it. I got to meet a lot of people who I had only heard about, and I got to hear a lot of village gossip! But it also got me out of the house and back into the real world - and not counting socks!
But working in the shop for three days was a good thing. After feeling really nervous about whether I could do it, I really enjoyed it. I got to meet a lot of people who I had only heard about, and I got to hear a lot of village gossip! But it also got me out of the house and back into the real world - and not counting socks!
Monday 29 October 2007
Stumbling on Happiness 2
Daniel Gilbert also highlights studies regarding the joy of children. Couples generally start out quite happy in their marriages and then become progressively less satisfied over the course of their lives together, getting close to their original levels of satisfaction only when their children leave home (Walker 'Some variations in Marital Satisfaction' in Equalities in Family Life, ed. Chester and Peel, 1977). This pattern of satisfaction over the life cycle describes women better than men. Careful studies of how women feel as they go about their daily activities show that they are less happy when taking care of their children than when eating, exercising, shopping, napping, or watching TV (Kahneman et al 'A Survey Method for Characterizing Daily Life Experience, Science, 2004). Indeed, looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing housework.
Stumbling on Happiness
Just finished reading Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert this morning, which read a bit like HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy but was oh-so-much-more deep, as it discussed scientific studies regarding the emotions 'Happiness'. Early on in the book, he states: Anxiety and planning are intimately connected to thinking about the future. We feel anxiety when we anticipate that something bad will happen, and we plan by imagining how our actions will unfold over time. Planning requires that we peer into our futures, and anxiety is one of the reactions we may have when we do.
He also arues against comparing the present or the future with your past, and emphasises comparing with the possible instead.
What did the book conclude? When we imagine future circumstances, we fill in details that won't really come to pass and leave out details that will. When we imagine future feelings, we find it impossible to ignore what we are feeling now and impossible to recognize how we will think about the things that happen later.
So is it back to simply; Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!!
He also arues against comparing the present or the future with your past, and emphasises comparing with the possible instead.
What did the book conclude? When we imagine future circumstances, we fill in details that won't really come to pass and leave out details that will. When we imagine future feelings, we find it impossible to ignore what we are feeling now and impossible to recognize how we will think about the things that happen later.
So is it back to simply; Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!!
What shall we do with the extra hour?
I know, lets go to mass! My brother and his soon-to-be wife (just over 7 weeks now) have been attending Mass on a regular basis pre-wedding, so The Bull and I decided to join them yesterday. It was the first time I had been to the church (or a catholic service) since my fathers funeral 14 years ago. It was not at all how I remembered it. I had always imagined it to be a lot darker and bigger and more imposing. Yesterday it was light and airy and had a nicer feel to the one I remember. The Bull even took his coat off because he got too warm! I certainly feel better about attending the wedding service now. It won't be quite so scarey or intimidating. Who knows? I might go again before the wedding....
Saturday 27 October 2007
Bats!!
It's nearly Halloween and as part of my mum-to-be (maybe oneday) training, I took my surrogate child - she even looked like me with blonde hair and blue eyes - to Whisby Nature Reserve to learn about Bats, make a scarey hat and build a Bat Box!
It struck me during the day; surrounded by the mothers and their children, what a real job it is to be a mother - all that banging with a hammer and not being able to just give up when you want (or when you bang your hand!) as you have a small person watching - and perhaps even learning from you!
It struck me during the day; surrounded by the mothers and their children, what a real job it is to be a mother - all that banging with a hammer and not being able to just give up when you want (or when you bang your hand!) as you have a small person watching - and perhaps even learning from you!
Memories...
light the corners of my mind...
Nothing to envy now. Carol died on Wednesday night. The anniversary of my dads death. Not more I can say really....
I chose this day to write a short note to my Psychologist to say I would not be going again. The sessions I attended I think I did gain something from, but I feel it is down to me now. She suggested during the time I saw her to write a letter to my dad about what I remembered from the day he died. It was amazing what I had forgotten, but was it really a good thing to remember? I do feel I have gained something from starting this blog (similar to the letter exercise) as it has made me think about what I write - and why! It has also led me to think more about other peoples feelings. Certainly after what I went through, it has shown you never really know what other people are themselves going through at any time.
Nothing to envy now. Carol died on Wednesday night. The anniversary of my dads death. Not more I can say really....
I chose this day to write a short note to my Psychologist to say I would not be going again. The sessions I attended I think I did gain something from, but I feel it is down to me now. She suggested during the time I saw her to write a letter to my dad about what I remembered from the day he died. It was amazing what I had forgotten, but was it really a good thing to remember? I do feel I have gained something from starting this blog (similar to the letter exercise) as it has made me think about what I write - and why! It has also led me to think more about other peoples feelings. Certainly after what I went through, it has shown you never really know what other people are themselves going through at any time.
Wednesday 24 October 2007
Feeling Better Thanks
I think the weekend really did some good, and then I went to Spinning on Monday night (have not weighed myself yet this week) and then yesterday went back to Accupuncture for the first time since 'the trouble'. Nadine talked about blockages and blood (which was nice) but I must say I really felt the benefit of it - although the needles have never previously hurt that much - and when I got back from the clinic, I slept like a baby!! Got up this morning and went for a walk. It was bloody cold, but I suppose it is only going to get colder....
The only bad thing about today is that it is 14 years since my dad died. Don't really know what to add to that statement. It still hurts and the family (mum and brother) have never really talked about it. Too painful to discuss perhaps, but it sometimes feels like we are not really a family; just related. This was emphasised to me last week when we went to see my brothers mother in law (to be). She has cancer and might not make the wedding. All her family have a closeness we have never had. It's probably a bit late for that now.....but I do envy them.
The only bad thing about today is that it is 14 years since my dad died. Don't really know what to add to that statement. It still hurts and the family (mum and brother) have never really talked about it. Too painful to discuss perhaps, but it sometimes feels like we are not really a family; just related. This was emphasised to me last week when we went to see my brothers mother in law (to be). She has cancer and might not make the wedding. All her family have a closeness we have never had. It's probably a bit late for that now.....but I do envy them.
Monday 22 October 2007
Non-Domestic Goddess Advice
While sorting out my 'Ideas' Folder (see: http://theonlyconsequence.blogspot.com/) I came across a piece of wisdom from the Non-Domestic Goddess (Daily Mail: 2007).
Someone had written in and asked; ‘I’m getting on a bit and worry that if I don’t have a child now, I never will – which I might regret. On the other hand, I just don’t know if I’m up to it. How can I tell?’
OK, here goes (comes the answer). First, smear mud and peanut butter and jam all over your hands and wipe them all over the walls, the curtains and the soft furnishings, as well as over your face, right into the hairline and beyond.
Make sure you are good and sticky all over. Next, get a slice of toast and stuff it into the DVD player while dragging the cat around by its tail, treading banana into the carpet and crayoning all over your new wood flooring.
Get up at least 27 times a night to swing a Moses basket and make soothing noises when though inside you are screaming ‘sleep, sleep, you b****** sleep!’ And take your breasts out in public. A lot. Even in front of your father-in-law.
Put a tea-towel on your partners head, pretend he is a shepherd in a nativity play, and clap rapturously even if he forgets his words and then cries and wets his pants. Practice saying ‘Put a jumper on. It is cold out there’. Don’t practice saying; ‘well, if its ok with Alex’s mum, it’s OK with me’.
This is how to tell if you are ready.
Someone had written in and asked; ‘I’m getting on a bit and worry that if I don’t have a child now, I never will – which I might regret. On the other hand, I just don’t know if I’m up to it. How can I tell?’
OK, here goes (comes the answer). First, smear mud and peanut butter and jam all over your hands and wipe them all over the walls, the curtains and the soft furnishings, as well as over your face, right into the hairline and beyond.
Make sure you are good and sticky all over. Next, get a slice of toast and stuff it into the DVD player while dragging the cat around by its tail, treading banana into the carpet and crayoning all over your new wood flooring.
Get up at least 27 times a night to swing a Moses basket and make soothing noises when though inside you are screaming ‘sleep, sleep, you b****** sleep!’ And take your breasts out in public. A lot. Even in front of your father-in-law.
Put a tea-towel on your partners head, pretend he is a shepherd in a nativity play, and clap rapturously even if he forgets his words and then cries and wets his pants. Practice saying ‘Put a jumper on. It is cold out there’. Don’t practice saying; ‘well, if its ok with Alex’s mum, it’s OK with me’.
This is how to tell if you are ready.
Weekend Report
Friday night was terrible! Went to see a friend from my old work who has just had a baby (Blog Baby 3) along with two other work collegues; and I so wish I hadn't. Firstly; because all we seemed to talk about was work and secondly (and most upsetting) two more girls who I worked with are preganant. Thank God I decided not to go back to work. Probably won't go visiting again in the near future as I found it all quite upsetting (and I ate too much pizza and felt really fat!).
Saturday and Sunday though were fantastic. Went for a nights stay near Matlock (Derbyshire)and although Saturday night and early Sunday morning were rather frosty, the weather held and we had a brilliant time! We set off on Sunday morning nice and early in the mist, to go and visit a place from our scouting youth in Cromford. We had a nice walk (about 2/3 miles) to find it run down and no longer used, but the memories were still there and we laughed all weekend about the usual rubbish; which in P.Diddys case is usually sex - or his lack of it!!Thursday 18 October 2007
Ask Me How I Feel (again)?
I feel awful (thanks for asking). Period Number 2 has kicked in - and it being 'on time' is the only good thing about it. This time it started just like the miscarriage. A few spots of blood when I went to the toilet and nothing else. And then there were the tears! And then it really started!! And don't ask me about the headache! And don't forget the ache that I seem to have acquired after 38 years of near perfect skin.....
And then yesterday I had a disaster in the kitchen when I managed to smash 6 perfect eggs at once. Through the tears I was heard to say; Breaking eggs. It's the story of my life...
Bet you're glad you asked now - arn't you?
And then yesterday I had a disaster in the kitchen when I managed to smash 6 perfect eggs at once. Through the tears I was heard to say; Breaking eggs. It's the story of my life...
Bet you're glad you asked now - arn't you?
Friday 12 October 2007
Ask Me How I Feel?
And I will say I don't really know.... Today I handed in my notice from my job. It was exactly 3 months yesterday since I was first signed off sick and I just can't see myself going back. I sent an email to a few 'select' people at work which said: Just a short note to let you all know, that today (Friday) I handed in my resignation from the FSC. It's not that I don't want / need a job, its just that I can't see myself making it back to Cargill in the near future (if at all).
Also, K is due the same week I would have been, and it would be too hard for me to deal with that everyday. My doctor was willing to sign me off for 'as long as it takes', but that would not be fair on the people that I have left behind. I don't intend to rush into another job and I am hoping to get something part time until I feel 100% back to my old self. Please keep in touch and let me know your news.
I think that says it all really.....
Also, K is due the same week I would have been, and it would be too hard for me to deal with that everyday. My doctor was willing to sign me off for 'as long as it takes', but that would not be fair on the people that I have left behind. I don't intend to rush into another job and I am hoping to get something part time until I feel 100% back to my old self. Please keep in touch and let me know your news.
I think that says it all really.....
Tuesday 9 October 2007
Tears and Pain
We cannot change the past or predict the future but we can notice what is happening around us right now, instead of living in our heads.
Friday and Saturday there were a lot of tears. I am not really sure where they all came from. They just kept welling up inside me. People kept asking 'What's the Matter?' and I could not put my finger on a specific. Just 'Everything'. However, Monday came around and I felt OK again; went for a long walk in the morning, and then made a spinning session later in the evening. However, had not lost anymore weight this week and actually gained a pound! Woke up this morning and feel very stiff from all the physical activity, but at least the tears have subsided...There are still a lot of things going on at the moment - in my head and physically - and so the tears were probably just a reaction to this.
Friday and Saturday there were a lot of tears. I am not really sure where they all came from. They just kept welling up inside me. People kept asking 'What's the Matter?' and I could not put my finger on a specific. Just 'Everything'. However, Monday came around and I felt OK again; went for a long walk in the morning, and then made a spinning session later in the evening. However, had not lost anymore weight this week and actually gained a pound! Woke up this morning and feel very stiff from all the physical activity, but at least the tears have subsided...There are still a lot of things going on at the moment - in my head and physically - and so the tears were probably just a reaction to this.
Saturday 6 October 2007
Visiting Time
Went to visit a good friend – as in a friend who has been good to me – this morning, but came away thinking perhaps it had been all me and I had not listened as much as I had talked. It was easy to see she is suffering with an 8 week old who is not sleeping through the night (like her first) and is throwing up everything that he is fed.
This is what my friend had to say about 'the trouble' in a previous email:
All I can say is the less stress you put on yourself the better when trying to conceive and in the first 12 weeks. Also we lost our baby over a year ago it was about 11 weeks old we never got an explanation but they always say it is down to chromozones but luckily 3 months later I conceived again and went full term. Strange thing was or coincidence he was born on the day I lost our baby!!! It has taken me a while to come to terms with loosing our baby but we bought a willow tree ornament angel in memory of our baby and its on my mantlepiece with all my other willow tree ornaments representing all our family. I know its hard right now but it does get easier. Just give yourself time to grieve properly and don't rush into anything.
And then today my visit to the Psychologist was cancelled. Part of me was pleased, but part of me had really wanted a chat. I think this was because I didn’t get much of a chat yesterday (what with 2 young children about) . I don’t really want to bother those closest, as they have heard it all before. What is the problem I hear you ask? Simply that I am worried I am not getting any better, but fear I may be getting worse. I still feel mildly anxious a lot of the time. When I analyze this, my problem seems to be fear of illness i.e. fear of being ill. Fear of Miscarriage again? I am worried about a) getting pregnant and b) loosing it again. I am sure this is perfectly normal but it seems to cast a shadow over things at the moment.
This is what my friend had to say about 'the trouble' in a previous email:
All I can say is the less stress you put on yourself the better when trying to conceive and in the first 12 weeks. Also we lost our baby over a year ago it was about 11 weeks old we never got an explanation but they always say it is down to chromozones but luckily 3 months later I conceived again and went full term. Strange thing was or coincidence he was born on the day I lost our baby!!! It has taken me a while to come to terms with loosing our baby but we bought a willow tree ornament angel in memory of our baby and its on my mantlepiece with all my other willow tree ornaments representing all our family. I know its hard right now but it does get easier. Just give yourself time to grieve properly and don't rush into anything.
And then today my visit to the Psychologist was cancelled. Part of me was pleased, but part of me had really wanted a chat. I think this was because I didn’t get much of a chat yesterday (what with 2 young children about) . I don’t really want to bother those closest, as they have heard it all before. What is the problem I hear you ask? Simply that I am worried I am not getting any better, but fear I may be getting worse. I still feel mildly anxious a lot of the time. When I analyze this, my problem seems to be fear of illness i.e. fear of being ill. Fear of Miscarriage again? I am worried about a) getting pregnant and b) loosing it again. I am sure this is perfectly normal but it seems to cast a shadow over things at the moment.
Tuesday 2 October 2007
Stressed Women 'more likely to have a baby girl'
An article in the Daily Mail at the weekend (Fiona MacRae: Science Reporter) highlighted research that showed Stressed mothers-to-be are more likely to have girls than boys. Results showed that those judged to be stressed were 5% more likely to have a girl than those deemed relaxed. The University of Aarhus in Denmark said it is unclear why stress skews the sex ratio, as the gender of a baby is determined by chromosomes in the fathers sperm. However, it is possible that high levels of stress hormones may make it more difficult for male embryos to implant and stressed women may be more likely to miscarry male babies. British fertility experts have warned that stress in the womb is linked to health problems in later life including high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes. Worrying during preganany may also stunt a child's intelligence. Interesting??
Hospital Visit 4
Today I had an appointment with the Consultant with regards to the results of my scan (see Hospital Visit 3). I was told, that as it was a 6cm 'simple' cyst it should not cause any problems. I was told to come back if I had any problems with it, but if not I would be seen again for another scan in 6 months to check on its progress. I also had a blood test to check on my hormone levels.
The Bull came with me to the hospital and the hardest part was the fact that it was in the same place (the Maternity Unit) as where I had my 13 week scan. I didn't think it would upset me, but when a couple walked past with what was obviously their scan photo I could not help but cry. When I went in to see the Consultant she asked if anything was wrong. I didn't have the strength to explain, but I though she might have realised.....We did ask if the cyst would in any way hinder another pregnancy, but we were assured that it should be fine.
Got home and sent Human Resources at work an email requesting clarification of when my sick pay finishes. I worked out last night I am in my 12th week, and on the day of my next Drs appointment it will be exactly 13 weeks!! I also asked about returning to work part time.
The Bull came with me to the hospital and the hardest part was the fact that it was in the same place (the Maternity Unit) as where I had my 13 week scan. I didn't think it would upset me, but when a couple walked past with what was obviously their scan photo I could not help but cry. When I went in to see the Consultant she asked if anything was wrong. I didn't have the strength to explain, but I though she might have realised.....We did ask if the cyst would in any way hinder another pregnancy, but we were assured that it should be fine.
Got home and sent Human Resources at work an email requesting clarification of when my sick pay finishes. I worked out last night I am in my 12th week, and on the day of my next Drs appointment it will be exactly 13 weeks!! I also asked about returning to work part time.
Monday 1 October 2007
Back to the Gym - One week on..
Today I weighed myself and I have lost 3 pounds in a week!! Completed another hour of spinning and felt like I had lost another few pounds!! That is the good news.
The bad news is that when the Occupational Health nurse rang from work on Thursday she said the company stop paying me after 13 weeks….
The bad news is that when the Occupational Health nurse rang from work on Thursday she said the company stop paying me after 13 weeks….
Tuesday 25 September 2007
Back to the Gym
12 weeks to the wedding (my brothers, not mine) and a little red top to fit into....During the past three months I have gained approximately a stone - eating for two - and I feel I need to shift it.
Also, after the weekend and the hangover, it is also time to start to get healthy again - especially if anything is going to happen.....So, last night me and my gym buddy went back to the gym at the top of our road where we used to go before we joined one of the larger (and more expensive) ones. An hour of Spinning and my bum is sore this morning but I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the loud music and the sweating!! This morning I got up and went for a 25minute walk which I hope to do everyday - unless I can persuade myself back into a swimming cosy in the near future! Hopefully this means I am back in 'The Zone'.
Also, after the weekend and the hangover, it is also time to start to get healthy again - especially if anything is going to happen.....So, last night me and my gym buddy went back to the gym at the top of our road where we used to go before we joined one of the larger (and more expensive) ones. An hour of Spinning and my bum is sore this morning but I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the loud music and the sweating!! This morning I got up and went for a 25minute walk which I hope to do everyday - unless I can persuade myself back into a swimming cosy in the near future! Hopefully this means I am back in 'The Zone'.
Monday 24 September 2007
Is it time to try again?
In amongst all this talking I had a visit from the painters. My first period. It was scary at first – more blood – and I am sure it was worse than usual, but at least my body seems to be getting back to normality again. This meant I was able to work out (based on the average from before) when I am due again and when (theoretically) I should be ovulating. I feel quite scared. Am I ready to go through it all again? Am I ready physically and / or mentally? We shall see.....
All Talked Out
Saturday night we went to see some friends and of course we ended up talking about ‘the trouble’. We had also been to see some other friends on Wednesday night and a similar time was had. Saturday night however, turned into Sunday morning and then Sunday was ruined because I was so tired and hung-over. What a waste! Decided there and then (about 5pm actually) that I needed to give up on the alcohol, start being healthy again and to end all this talking. I feel I need a rest from it all this week so I am going to limit my social activities and try to concentrate on being relaxed and healthy.
Work Issues
Work rang after the weekend as ‘someone’ had mentioned to Human Resources that I had been in and cleared my desk (on the way to meet my writing buddies). Looking back it seems perhaps it was a daft thing to do, but at the time I was just embarrassed that someone was doing my work surrounded by my possessions. I just felt so stupid having so much ‘stuff’ at work. I also thought it would mean when I got back I could start with a clean slate. I am not sure if that makes sense but when they rang I got quite upset about it all.
I am not sure how I feel towards work at the moment. This was the first time Human Resources had rang me since I have been off sick (12th July). The Occupational Nurse rang once (30th August) and left a message to say could I ring her back, but then stumbled and said she didn’t actually know what number she was on so she would ring me again in two weeks!! This she did (13th September) and I had to explain everything that had happened which of course upset me quite a bit. As for my supervisor who I once saw as a friend, I have not heard from her since she mentioned part time. I did say I would go and see her but then didn’t feel up to it. That was the 8th September and I have not heard anything from her since. A text message might have been nice….
I am not sure how I feel towards work at the moment. This was the first time Human Resources had rang me since I have been off sick (12th July). The Occupational Nurse rang once (30th August) and left a message to say could I ring her back, but then stumbled and said she didn’t actually know what number she was on so she would ring me again in two weeks!! This she did (13th September) and I had to explain everything that had happened which of course upset me quite a bit. As for my supervisor who I once saw as a friend, I have not heard from her since she mentioned part time. I did say I would go and see her but then didn’t feel up to it. That was the 8th September and I have not heard anything from her since. A text message might have been nice….
Out and out again….
The Friday after I had been to the Doctors I went for a meal in town with my gym buddy and her sister. This was one of the reasons I mentioned ‘going out’ and being seen to my Doctor the day before. I can honestly say that all night all we talked about was doom and gloom but I really did have an enjoyable evening. It’s probably what I have said before ‘Bad news breeds bad news’ but I think we all benefited from it. Their dad has recently been in a car accident, their niece suffered a fractured skull two weeks ago when she was hit by a car, and their mother has recently had major heart surgery. Oh yes and there is a history of ‘the trouble’ within the women in their family. It was nice to talk about all these upsets and still have a laugh.
Then Saturday I drove to meet some of my writing buddies which took me about 45minutes. It was certainly nice to talk about something other than 'the trouble' and to hear some of the pieces they have been working on in the few months since I saw them last. I was hoping it would stir up the muse in me but so far it has just got me searching the Internet and writing lists of things to do.
Tuesday was the first time I met up with anyone from work, when I went to see a friend who has just had a baby (Blog Baby 3) with another work colleague. It was quite upsetting with the baby and all and I didn’t want to hold her. It turns out at work they think I am depressed. I am not sure if I like that…..
Then Saturday I drove to meet some of my writing buddies which took me about 45minutes. It was certainly nice to talk about something other than 'the trouble' and to hear some of the pieces they have been working on in the few months since I saw them last. I was hoping it would stir up the muse in me but so far it has just got me searching the Internet and writing lists of things to do.
Tuesday was the first time I met up with anyone from work, when I went to see a friend who has just had a baby (Blog Baby 3) with another work colleague. It was quite upsetting with the baby and all and I didn’t want to hold her. It turns out at work they think I am depressed. I am not sure if I like that…..
Doctors Appointment 6 / Hospital Visit 3
Over a week ago now I went to the Doctor and told her how bad I felt about being off work. I also mentioned that as I was feeling better I was starting to go out more and I was worried if people saw me. She reassured me and said that it was good I was beginning to get out and I should not worry about it. She emphasised I had to concentrate on getting myself better before I thought about work again.
Friday just gone and I had an appointment at the Ultrasound Clinic to have another look at the cyst that they found at my 13 week scan. (Hey, you don’t have a baby, but what we can offer you in its place is…..). I had to have a full bladder again and I was in agony by the time they were ready for me – only 20 mins late which I thought was good – and it turns out I have a 6cm cyst on my left ovary. I have been referred to the consultant to discuss my options. Trouble was when I got back home I started to look on the Internet and got myself in a right old state about operations and general anesthetic etc.
Friday just gone and I had an appointment at the Ultrasound Clinic to have another look at the cyst that they found at my 13 week scan. (Hey, you don’t have a baby, but what we can offer you in its place is…..). I had to have a full bladder again and I was in agony by the time they were ready for me – only 20 mins late which I thought was good – and it turns out I have a 6cm cyst on my left ovary. I have been referred to the consultant to discuss my options. Trouble was when I got back home I started to look on the Internet and got myself in a right old state about operations and general anesthetic etc.
Hugs from Heaven
Came across this poem in the Lincolnshire Echo.
The Tragedy: A number of local children drowned when their car plunged into the river.
When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.
If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They’ve added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.
If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.
If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird’s chirping song
It’s music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.
If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.
So keep the joy in your heart
If you’re lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend. by Charlotte Anselmo
The Tragedy: A number of local children drowned when their car plunged into the river.
When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.
If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They’ve added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.
If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.
If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird’s chirping song
It’s music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.
If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.
So keep the joy in your heart
If you’re lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend. by Charlotte Anselmo
GrannyGate
Following on from Channel 5, was the story and especially the article in the Daily Mirror (19th September) about Stephen Ireland – Manchester City midfielder. He told his manager that his Grandma had died and he would have to miss an important game (Ireland Vs Czech Republic). However, said Granny was still alive so he said it was his other Granny. She too is still alive. The real reason behind his wanting to miss the game was that his girlfriend had suffered a miscarriage and he felt that this would not be taken seriously enough for him to be allowed to fly home to be with her.
As the article states; A miscarriage. The loss of a baby. Something that deeply affects anyone who’s ever gone through it but often seems to be regarded as little more than a passing inconvenience by those who haven’t. The article goes onto say it is an indictment of our game that an intelligent man like Ireland didn’t think a miscarriage would be accepted as a decent enough reason to miss a big match. So this footballer…spun a web of lies that turned him into a laughing stock at a time when he was at his most vulnerable……Then he was left out of City’s game against Aston Villa on Sunday and it was interpreted as a punishment. A punishment for a miscarriage.
The article ends who knows what’ll happen the next time a footballers wife has a miscarriage? Who knows whether he’ll have the confidence to say he needs some time out to try to deal with it? What he won’t say is that his gran just died. The greater danger is, he won’t say anything at all.
As the article states; A miscarriage. The loss of a baby. Something that deeply affects anyone who’s ever gone through it but often seems to be regarded as little more than a passing inconvenience by those who haven’t. The article goes onto say it is an indictment of our game that an intelligent man like Ireland didn’t think a miscarriage would be accepted as a decent enough reason to miss a big match. So this footballer…spun a web of lies that turned him into a laughing stock at a time when he was at his most vulnerable……Then he was left out of City’s game against Aston Villa on Sunday and it was interpreted as a punishment. A punishment for a miscarriage.
The article ends who knows what’ll happen the next time a footballers wife has a miscarriage? Who knows whether he’ll have the confidence to say he needs some time out to try to deal with it? What he won’t say is that his gran just died. The greater danger is, he won’t say anything at all.
Thursday 20 September 2007
Losing a Baby on Channel 5
This morning there was a Wright Stuff special look at what it's like to lose a baby before term. Around a quarter of a million pregnancies end in miscarriage in the UK each year - that's one in four. Yet it's a subject rarely talked about. Why the taboo, I wonder? Well, we'll be finding out this morning and talking to women and their partners about what it's like to lose their unborn child. How do you cope? How does the loss affect your relationship? And can you ever move on? Does it make a difference if you lose your baby early on compared to much later in your pregnancy, I wonder?
The website gave some good links including one organisation I had not heard of http://www.babyloss-awareness.org/ The site states:
People whose lives have been touched by the loss of a baby during pregnancy or just after birth are uniting with others across the UK to show their support for the Baby Loss Awareness campaign 2007, which focuses on International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15th. As in previous years, we are encouraging a number of Wave of Light and other events across the UK.
The website gave some good links including one organisation I had not heard of http://www.babyloss-awareness.org/ The site states:
People whose lives have been touched by the loss of a baby during pregnancy or just after birth are uniting with others across the UK to show their support for the Baby Loss Awareness campaign 2007, which focuses on International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15th. As in previous years, we are encouraging a number of Wave of Light and other events across the UK.
Monday 10 September 2007
Hospital Visit
I feel totally exhausted. This morning I had an appointment with the Psychology Department but before then I had been asked to pop back to Branston Ward to sign a consent form from when I was in hospital. What I did not realise until I got there was that this form was to give permission for the hospital to cremate the remains. Part of the form was as follows: I..............(insert name of mother) which was a bit upsetting to say the least. I was told that a mass cremation takes place every third Wednesday of the month. As always the staff were wonderful.
So, before I even get to the Psychology Dept. I am in tears. But Sharon was nice and just asked me to tell her what had happened. What is weird is that the hour went by so quickly and now I cannot really remember what I said. I know we discussed 'the trouble', me leaving work - which she felt was a good move - and we also discussed the forthcoming wedding and how I would feel without my Dad there, but other than that it is a mystery. I came away exhausted but felt a lot better - as if things were beginning to get better somehow. Perhaps out of bad can come good. Perhaps the experience will make me a better person. We shall see!!!
So, before I even get to the Psychology Dept. I am in tears. But Sharon was nice and just asked me to tell her what had happened. What is weird is that the hour went by so quickly and now I cannot really remember what I said. I know we discussed 'the trouble', me leaving work - which she felt was a good move - and we also discussed the forthcoming wedding and how I would feel without my Dad there, but other than that it is a mystery. I came away exhausted but felt a lot better - as if things were beginning to get better somehow. Perhaps out of bad can come good. Perhaps the experience will make me a better person. We shall see!!!
Sunday 9 September 2007
What Next - Part One
After the scan (but before the actual miscarriage and time in hospital) I was given a leaflet from
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ entitled; 'We Are Sorry That You Had A Miscarriage'. This leaflet was hard to read on the day but looking at it today - 3 weeks after the actual miscarriage - it is easier to take in and I am thankful for the information it gives. My only real thought now is 'What Next?'
I feel I am nearly back to my old self, and although we did not make it to Somerset this weekend; which is where we were going before (as The Bull calls it) 'The Trouble', I do feel I am finally getting back on top of the house and emails, text messages etc. But as to what the next few months hold, I really don't know. I am hoping after seeing both a Psychologist and my Dr this week that I will be able to make some sense of what I have been through and start looking towards the future.
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ entitled; 'We Are Sorry That You Had A Miscarriage'. This leaflet was hard to read on the day but looking at it today - 3 weeks after the actual miscarriage - it is easier to take in and I am thankful for the information it gives. My only real thought now is 'What Next?'
I feel I am nearly back to my old self, and although we did not make it to Somerset this weekend; which is where we were going before (as The Bull calls it) 'The Trouble', I do feel I am finally getting back on top of the house and emails, text messages etc. But as to what the next few months hold, I really don't know. I am hoping after seeing both a Psychologist and my Dr this week that I will be able to make some sense of what I have been through and start looking towards the future.
Blog Baby 3
Megan Elizabeth born 8.55pm on 6th September after 17 hours of labour. Weighing 8lb. Congratulations to Sarah and Simon.
Bad News Only Breeds More Bad News
Obviously, after telling a few people I was expecting, I then had to tell them I wasn't anymore...
Some of the responses I received:-
I am so sorry for you to go through this! It must be really distressing. To be honest I'm not having a great time myself. I've just been through investigative operation to find out my fallopian tubes are blocked. ... feel very dispondent at the moment. (L)
Am so sorry about the baby I know what you are going through as the same thing happened to me. I went for a scan at 12 weeks & my baby had died at 6 weeks so if you need to talk you know where I am. It happened to my sister to & now she has 2 children if that's any comfort. (S)
Hi guys - so sorry to hear that news. If it's any consellation I know what you are going through - not that it makes it any better! It's a terrible thing to happen - hope you're feeling a bit better about things soon. The same thing more or less happened to us at the scan....and it's just pants. Keep trying though - there is hope - just look at us?? (C)
Sorry to hear about the news. We lost a baby last August at 11 weeks old.. If you want 2 chat u know where i am. Take care thinking of u. (L)
But then, re-reading the messages, perhaps its not all bad news after all.....
Some of the responses I received:-
I am so sorry for you to go through this! It must be really distressing. To be honest I'm not having a great time myself. I've just been through investigative operation to find out my fallopian tubes are blocked. ... feel very dispondent at the moment. (L)
Am so sorry about the baby I know what you are going through as the same thing happened to me. I went for a scan at 12 weeks & my baby had died at 6 weeks so if you need to talk you know where I am. It happened to my sister to & now she has 2 children if that's any comfort. (S)
Hi guys - so sorry to hear that news. If it's any consellation I know what you are going through - not that it makes it any better! It's a terrible thing to happen - hope you're feeling a bit better about things soon. The same thing more or less happened to us at the scan....and it's just pants. Keep trying though - there is hope - just look at us?? (C)
Sorry to hear about the news. We lost a baby last August at 11 weeks old.. If you want 2 chat u know where i am. Take care thinking of u. (L)
But then, re-reading the messages, perhaps its not all bad news after all.....
Monday 3 September 2007
Pregnant – and terrified
And then, in the same Times Supplement there is a letter from a 22 year old who says she is terrified of being pregnant. ..the shift in thinking and coping that is required is huge, and anxiety and depression become coping mechanisms at a time when there is psychological and emotional overload.
Tokophobia is the fear of pregnancy and childbirth. It is a recognized psychological state that is underpinned by anxious beliefs that distort and skew the mother-to-be’s experience in a very frightening and negative direction.
I suggest (Dr Tanya Byron says) that you be open with those you love about how you are feeling and help them to understand all the factors involved. Then, with their help, find other avenues of support so you can slowly challenge your negative self beliefs, learn ways of managing your anxiety feelings, and so begin to feel in control.
www.timesonline.co.uk/alphamummy
Tokophobia is the fear of pregnancy and childbirth. It is a recognized psychological state that is underpinned by anxious beliefs that distort and skew the mother-to-be’s experience in a very frightening and negative direction.
I suggest (Dr Tanya Byron says) that you be open with those you love about how you are feeling and help them to understand all the factors involved. Then, with their help, find other avenues of support so you can slowly challenge your negative self beliefs, learn ways of managing your anxiety feelings, and so begin to feel in control.
www.timesonline.co.uk/alphamummy
Coincidence?
So there I am – in hospital – having my miscarriage – and The Bull goes to get some snacks and a paper. The supplement in the Times (times2 Monday August 20 2007) is entitled; No thanks! Why life without children is a good choice. Corinne Maier (French) has written a book called No Kid:40 reasons not to have children.
Children are there to stop you enjoying yourself she says. I certainly agree with one point she makes: People who do not have children should not be called Childless they should be called Child Free.
So, some of the reasons not to have children;
Childbirth is torture,
You will become a mobile feeding bottle,
You will struggle to continue having fun yourself,
You will lose touch with your friends,
You will have to learn a language of idiots to communicate with your children,
Your children will kill your desire,
Children sound the death knell of the couple,
Having children is conformist,
Children are expensive,
When a child appears, the father disappears,
There are already too many children on the planet.
DISCUSS….
Sex Matters
Last time, I continued drinking - to a lesser extent - while we were trying. Well, I had been on the Internet and found an article entitled; ‘Choosing Your Baby’s Sex: The Folklore’ at www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/naming/choosingsexfolklore/ and this said that you were more likely to conceive a boy if you drank red wine. Well, that’s how I read it anyway!! It also said to conceive a boy you need to eat salty food, plenty of meat, fish, white flour, pasta, fresh fruit, vegs but avoid milk and dairy products such as yoghurt and cheese, nuts, chocolate, shellfish and whole meal bread. Why? It doesn’t say!! It did say however, that having sex on the day of ovulation (avoiding sex the week before to keep the sperm count high) would be more likely to produce a boy as male sperm are thought to swim faster and reach the egg first. It also said ‘deep penetration’ sex such as doggy style would be more likely to produce a boy….
Fertility Matters
www.CAREfertility.com
The first IVF baby was born in 1978 and the science surrounding fertility healthcare has advanced incredibly quickly since. So says ays the literature from CARE. It goes onto say;
The process of reproduction is a highly complex one and any disruption can lead to infertility. However, whilst around one in 6 couples experience difficulty in achieving pregnancy, with help almost 90% of them can realize their dream of starting a family. Treatments are discussed such as ovulation induction, Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI), In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). There were other procedures listed but these seemed even more like science fiction!! We also received information on the risks associated with Multiple Pregnancies and Births which I had not thought of before. Reading the literature given prior to and at our consultation, looking back it is no wonder I had a panic attack in the office. Not just thinking about the possible surgical implications but also the monetary ones!! (Our standard consultation was £140 plus £75 for a semen assessment. IVF was stated as being £2300). Added to that is that fact that; although CARE has a higher than average success rate, we were still looking at only a 21.1% for CARE or 18.3% National Average success rate (Live Births) for someone of my age (IVF&ICSI). www.hfea.gov.uk
Following Dales Semen assessment, our consultation was with Mr Ken Dowell (FRCOG Consultant Gynaecologist) who has many years experience in infertility diagnosis and treatment. He is particularly experienced in the diagnosis and management of male factor infertility, including surgical sperm recovery it says here…
Following the traumatic consultation (I had a panic attack), The Bull however, was on hand to remember the key points i.e. that he was ‘hung like a bull’ which, to be honest I am sure the Doctor did not say in quite so many words…..
We received a copy of the letter that Ken sent to our GP which generally stated that we were both healthy and there was no real reason why we had not conceived so far. To see what we had discussed in black and white was a shock and I was quite upset when I read it. I think it was the fear of further examination to see if my tubes were blocked. Again this was a procedure they could undertake at Nottingham (laparoscopy) – although they stated that because I had no belly button it would probably be easier if I arranged an ultra sound (HyCoSy tubal assessment - £300).
But then, after all that, I actually fell pregnant approximately one month after the consultation. Thereby negating any further visits. I at least proved that I could get pregnant. What happens next remains to be seen.....
The first IVF baby was born in 1978 and the science surrounding fertility healthcare has advanced incredibly quickly since. So says ays the literature from CARE. It goes onto say;
The process of reproduction is a highly complex one and any disruption can lead to infertility. However, whilst around one in 6 couples experience difficulty in achieving pregnancy, with help almost 90% of them can realize their dream of starting a family. Treatments are discussed such as ovulation induction, Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI), In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). There were other procedures listed but these seemed even more like science fiction!! We also received information on the risks associated with Multiple Pregnancies and Births which I had not thought of before. Reading the literature given prior to and at our consultation, looking back it is no wonder I had a panic attack in the office. Not just thinking about the possible surgical implications but also the monetary ones!! (Our standard consultation was £140 plus £75 for a semen assessment. IVF was stated as being £2300). Added to that is that fact that; although CARE has a higher than average success rate, we were still looking at only a 21.1% for CARE or 18.3% National Average success rate (Live Births) for someone of my age (IVF&ICSI). www.hfea.gov.uk
Following Dales Semen assessment, our consultation was with Mr Ken Dowell (FRCOG Consultant Gynaecologist) who has many years experience in infertility diagnosis and treatment. He is particularly experienced in the diagnosis and management of male factor infertility, including surgical sperm recovery it says here…
Following the traumatic consultation (I had a panic attack), The Bull however, was on hand to remember the key points i.e. that he was ‘hung like a bull’ which, to be honest I am sure the Doctor did not say in quite so many words…..
We received a copy of the letter that Ken sent to our GP which generally stated that we were both healthy and there was no real reason why we had not conceived so far. To see what we had discussed in black and white was a shock and I was quite upset when I read it. I think it was the fear of further examination to see if my tubes were blocked. Again this was a procedure they could undertake at Nottingham (laparoscopy) – although they stated that because I had no belly button it would probably be easier if I arranged an ultra sound (HyCoSy tubal assessment - £300).
But then, after all that, I actually fell pregnant approximately one month after the consultation. Thereby negating any further visits. I at least proved that I could get pregnant. What happens next remains to be seen.....
Our Biggest Mistake
Looking back over the last year or so, I believe our biggest mistake was telling my mother and brother that we had started trying for a baby. Up until the day when I told her we were pregnant, I had never seen my mother quite so excited (and tearful). Now I wish I had never mentioned it. Initially this was because she started telling stories about her and my dad and how they tried for two years – way too much information - but I believe now it only added more stress every month when nothing had happened....
You start something like this and it is like carrying a huge secret around with you. You want to ask questions of your friends who have children but you know that would lead down a one way road. Then there was the issue of what if it did not happen. The Bull was adamant he didn’t want people knowing in case he was a jaffa! Now people will shy away from ever mentioning the subject again. I am not sure whether this is a good or bad thing....
We did visit the Dr very early on but other than a discussion about folic acid there was not much she could really say. We visited her again in March 2007 when we were referred to CARE in Nottingham. I then had a FSH blood test done prior to this appointment as requested.
You start something like this and it is like carrying a huge secret around with you. You want to ask questions of your friends who have children but you know that would lead down a one way road. Then there was the issue of what if it did not happen. The Bull was adamant he didn’t want people knowing in case he was a jaffa! Now people will shy away from ever mentioning the subject again. I am not sure whether this is a good or bad thing....
We did visit the Dr very early on but other than a discussion about folic acid there was not much she could really say. We visited her again in March 2007 when we were referred to CARE in Nottingham. I then had a FSH blood test done prior to this appointment as requested.
Friday 24 August 2007
Blog Baby 2
Another little boy born on 3rd August (just getting round to emailing people!) Isaac Joseph. He was only 4lb 14 and got distressed in the delivery so had to go into the Neo natal unit for a couple of days. Congratulations to Caroline and Rob.
Thursday 23 August 2007
Fear and Hope
Both fear and hope deal with uncertainty, but whether that uncertainty breeds fear or hope depends on the way you view a situation.
Couples go to great lengths to have children, with no idea what those children will be like or how they will find life as a parent - a real act of hope and an act of hope in a larger sense as well; that there will be a future world that is worthy of their children. Hope motivates us to plan for the future and to strive for the things we think will make us happy.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Claudia Hammond
Couples go to great lengths to have children, with no idea what those children will be like or how they will find life as a parent - a real act of hope and an act of hope in a larger sense as well; that there will be a future world that is worthy of their children. Hope motivates us to plan for the future and to strive for the things we think will make us happy.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Claudia Hammond
To cut a long story short...
...we lost the baby. If this sounds matter-of-fact its because there is no other way to say it. I feel I need to write down what happened before I can get on with life and the next stage - whatever that may be!! I also feel I need to make a note of dates, times and information gathered in case they are needed in the future.
Scan was due Friday morning. Tuesday I actually started to feel human again and decided to clean through the house; which I did, getting a good sweat on. On Wednesday I felt a bit flat and then in the afternoon started to spot. I had sat at the computer for a while and so I put the period pains down to this and had a sleep for a while. However, when I woke up, I still felt bad and I was still spotting when I went to the toilet.
I rang my GP surgery and spoke to Dr T who told me it was normal. I rang my friend who I knew had had some spotting during her preganancy. I rang the hospital and asked for the Maternity Unit. A Midwife also told me this was normal; especially as I had been doing a lot of moving about yesterday. She told me to put my feet up and rest. By this time both my mother and The Bull were at home. Both were a bit panicky but I felt better for talking to people about it.
Thursday morning I rang the GP Surgery again and Dr T agreed to see me at 10am. He took my blood pressure and felt my stomach and pelvic area but there was no pain. He told me to rest and wait for the scan in the morning. The Bull stayed off work and we watched 'Hot Fuzz' in the evening to try and keep our minds off it. I was truely scared.
Scan was due at 9.35am on Friday 17th August at the Antenatal Clinic on the ground floor of the Maternity Unit. We arrived about 8.30am and I told the booking in lady I had been bleeding. I was told the midwives did not actually start until 9am but I was called just after 9am. I don't really remember much other than that damn song 'Africa' going round my head as I lay on the bed. The Bull reached out for me as the nurse asked how much pain I had been having. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned to me and said 'There is nothing here to suggest a 12 week pregnancy'. We were then left for a while before being taken through to a Midwife. I cannot believe how calm I was. I think deep down I had known.
I was then given a more intimate scan which showed that the baby had been about 5 weeks when it stopped growing. I was also told that I had some kind of cyst on my ovary which would need to be looked at. I was then given the three options....(Own Accord,Tablet,ERPC) Blood was taken and then we left.
The weekend is really a blur after that. I rang a few people. I sent a couple of texts and a few emails. I was conscious of just letting everyone know as soon as possible before they had chance to ask 'How did it go?'
We got to Sunday evening and I had the period pain still but I also had a glass of wine so things were a bit blurry. I told The Bull to go to the Pub and I just sat watching TV; feeling nothing but numb and the odd twinge. When he returned from the pub I realised the pain had got worse so I took 2 pain killers I had been given when I had the UTI. When I woke up 4hrs later and read the packet I panicked as it said I should only have taken one. This was the least of my worries as when I went to the toilet I was doubled over in pain and the blood was everywhere. I lay down on the floor and told The Bull to ring for an ambulance. Now, I hate hospitals, so he knew I was serious. I am not sure how long the Ambulance took - they said it could be up to 90mins - I think it took about 20mins. The two paramedics that came were great (joking about metronomes) and I was soon feeling better with the gas. After I started on the gas its all a bit of a fuzzy blur. It is good stuff but too much and you feel very weird. Found myself trying to be funny in A&E with the Junior Dr after he failed to get the IV into my arm the first time. 'A Levels were harder in my day' was what I think I said. But I was made to feel so much better by the nurse who said 'It must have been a Dibby one'.
I was then moved to Branston Ward (on the trolley) where a nice female Doctor examined me. I was then given a clean up and some paper knickers with what looked very much like a nappy. I then found myself in a room with my own toilet, but was told to 'go' into the receptical provided and advise the nurse when I had done so. (Poor Tricia who had to deal with me until she went off at 7am). This was not easy as I was attached to my IV and had to wheel it about. Dorothy took over. I still had the gas which helped a great deal but just after Tricia left it all became too much and I was given a morphine injection in my bum. I just thought she was going to inject my arm!! I think it was about this time another (young) male Doctor came and told me what was going to happen. He mentioned I may have to go to 'theatre'. Shortly thereafter I had a very bad panic attack (and then threw up) but Dorothy was very good and I soon felt a lot calmer; even more so once the morphine took effect. However, the side effect of loosing the pain was the nausea. I was given a shot via my IV to stop this. The Dr later returned with a nurse and a very bright light to examine me. I was reassured that I would not need to go to theatre as it had all come away. The clotting stopped about 12.30pm and I was finally allowed to leave about 4.30pm. I just had to face the terror of my mums stop-start driving through rush hour traffic.
Poor old Bull had to live through all this with me and with a slight hangover. He has certainly seen me at my worst now; paper knickers, plastic sheets..... At least he's prepared for when I'm 90!!
We had arranged to have a private Nuchal scan done on Tuesday (which has now come and gone) in Spilsby (£125). Website at: www.4dscanning.co.uk/
The letter I had drafted to HR stated my last day of work would be the 10th December (11th week before my EWC). I calculated if I took Ordinary Maternity Leave (26weeks) my date of return would be the 8th December 2008 (or 19th January 09). If I took Additional Maternity Leave (+26weeks) it would be the 15th June 2009 (23rd July). (I wasn't quite sure how Annual Leave fitted into all of this!). According to works policy; First 10 weeks of Maternity Leave you receive normal pay and for the subsequent 29weeks you receive lower rate of SMP (currently £108.85per week). Remaining 13weeks unpaid. Holidays continue to accrue at the contractual rate during your Maternity Leave.
Scan was due Friday morning. Tuesday I actually started to feel human again and decided to clean through the house; which I did, getting a good sweat on. On Wednesday I felt a bit flat and then in the afternoon started to spot. I had sat at the computer for a while and so I put the period pains down to this and had a sleep for a while. However, when I woke up, I still felt bad and I was still spotting when I went to the toilet.
I rang my GP surgery and spoke to Dr T who told me it was normal. I rang my friend who I knew had had some spotting during her preganancy. I rang the hospital and asked for the Maternity Unit. A Midwife also told me this was normal; especially as I had been doing a lot of moving about yesterday. She told me to put my feet up and rest. By this time both my mother and The Bull were at home. Both were a bit panicky but I felt better for talking to people about it.
Thursday morning I rang the GP Surgery again and Dr T agreed to see me at 10am. He took my blood pressure and felt my stomach and pelvic area but there was no pain. He told me to rest and wait for the scan in the morning. The Bull stayed off work and we watched 'Hot Fuzz' in the evening to try and keep our minds off it. I was truely scared.
Scan was due at 9.35am on Friday 17th August at the Antenatal Clinic on the ground floor of the Maternity Unit. We arrived about 8.30am and I told the booking in lady I had been bleeding. I was told the midwives did not actually start until 9am but I was called just after 9am. I don't really remember much other than that damn song 'Africa' going round my head as I lay on the bed. The Bull reached out for me as the nurse asked how much pain I had been having. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned to me and said 'There is nothing here to suggest a 12 week pregnancy'. We were then left for a while before being taken through to a Midwife. I cannot believe how calm I was. I think deep down I had known.
I was then given a more intimate scan which showed that the baby had been about 5 weeks when it stopped growing. I was also told that I had some kind of cyst on my ovary which would need to be looked at. I was then given the three options....(Own Accord,Tablet,ERPC) Blood was taken and then we left.
The weekend is really a blur after that. I rang a few people. I sent a couple of texts and a few emails. I was conscious of just letting everyone know as soon as possible before they had chance to ask 'How did it go?'
We got to Sunday evening and I had the period pain still but I also had a glass of wine so things were a bit blurry. I told The Bull to go to the Pub and I just sat watching TV; feeling nothing but numb and the odd twinge. When he returned from the pub I realised the pain had got worse so I took 2 pain killers I had been given when I had the UTI. When I woke up 4hrs later and read the packet I panicked as it said I should only have taken one. This was the least of my worries as when I went to the toilet I was doubled over in pain and the blood was everywhere. I lay down on the floor and told The Bull to ring for an ambulance. Now, I hate hospitals, so he knew I was serious. I am not sure how long the Ambulance took - they said it could be up to 90mins - I think it took about 20mins. The two paramedics that came were great (joking about metronomes) and I was soon feeling better with the gas. After I started on the gas its all a bit of a fuzzy blur. It is good stuff but too much and you feel very weird. Found myself trying to be funny in A&E with the Junior Dr after he failed to get the IV into my arm the first time. 'A Levels were harder in my day' was what I think I said. But I was made to feel so much better by the nurse who said 'It must have been a Dibby one'.
I was then moved to Branston Ward (on the trolley) where a nice female Doctor examined me. I was then given a clean up and some paper knickers with what looked very much like a nappy. I then found myself in a room with my own toilet, but was told to 'go' into the receptical provided and advise the nurse when I had done so. (Poor Tricia who had to deal with me until she went off at 7am). This was not easy as I was attached to my IV and had to wheel it about. Dorothy took over. I still had the gas which helped a great deal but just after Tricia left it all became too much and I was given a morphine injection in my bum. I just thought she was going to inject my arm!! I think it was about this time another (young) male Doctor came and told me what was going to happen. He mentioned I may have to go to 'theatre'. Shortly thereafter I had a very bad panic attack (and then threw up) but Dorothy was very good and I soon felt a lot calmer; even more so once the morphine took effect. However, the side effect of loosing the pain was the nausea. I was given a shot via my IV to stop this. The Dr later returned with a nurse and a very bright light to examine me. I was reassured that I would not need to go to theatre as it had all come away. The clotting stopped about 12.30pm and I was finally allowed to leave about 4.30pm. I just had to face the terror of my mums stop-start driving through rush hour traffic.
Poor old Bull had to live through all this with me and with a slight hangover. He has certainly seen me at my worst now; paper knickers, plastic sheets..... At least he's prepared for when I'm 90!!
We had arranged to have a private Nuchal scan done on Tuesday (which has now come and gone) in Spilsby (£125). Website at: www.4dscanning.co.uk/
The letter I had drafted to HR stated my last day of work would be the 10th December (11th week before my EWC). I calculated if I took Ordinary Maternity Leave (26weeks) my date of return would be the 8th December 2008 (or 19th January 09). If I took Additional Maternity Leave (+26weeks) it would be the 15th June 2009 (23rd July). (I wasn't quite sure how Annual Leave fitted into all of this!). According to works policy; First 10 weeks of Maternity Leave you receive normal pay and for the subsequent 29weeks you receive lower rate of SMP (currently £108.85per week). Remaining 13weeks unpaid. Holidays continue to accrue at the contractual rate during your Maternity Leave.
Wednesday 15 August 2007
Thank You Cow and Gate
Went for a dose of Accupuncture (www.lifestyles-hma.co.uk) yesterday in an attempt to calm myself before Friday. As usual I felt awful for the first 10-15 minutes but I think I was calmer once she took the needles out.
I also sent a plea for help to the Cow and Gate Advice servive at:http://www.cowandgate.co.uk/
They had this to say; Most mums to be will have similar worries before attending their first scan, it is only natural, but in most cases once mum is able to see her baby on the screen and she is reassured that all is well, mum can relax and actually enjoy the experience. I am sure you will agree that it is much better to have this early scan rather than worrying all the way through your pregnancy.
Having you partner present means you will have plenty of support and you will also be able to share in the joy of seeing your baby for the first time. I hope all goes well.
Kind regards Suzanne Johnson Baby Care Advisor
I also sent a plea for help to the Cow and Gate Advice servive at:http://www.cowandgate.co.uk/
They had this to say; Most mums to be will have similar worries before attending their first scan, it is only natural, but in most cases once mum is able to see her baby on the screen and she is reassured that all is well, mum can relax and actually enjoy the experience. I am sure you will agree that it is much better to have this early scan rather than worrying all the way through your pregnancy.
Having you partner present means you will have plenty of support and you will also be able to share in the joy of seeing your baby for the first time. I hope all goes well.
Kind regards Suzanne Johnson Baby Care Advisor
Monday 13 August 2007
Week 12
Been a weekend of tears; what with one thing and another. My brothers wedding has been brought forward a year as his future mother-in-law has the big C. So much for me being slim and gorgeous in a new frock, I shall be 7 months pregnant and waddling around like an elephant. I hope this does not sound like I am just thinking of myself. I can't begin to understand what Carol is going through. Makes my pre-scan nerves look at big pathetic....
According to legend, one day a man was wandering in the desert when he met Fear and Plague. They said they were on their way to a large city where they were going to kill 10,000 people. The man asked Plague if he was going to do all the work. Plague smiled and said, "No, I'll only take care of a few hundred. I'll let my friend Fear do the rest. (Anon)
According to legend, one day a man was wandering in the desert when he met Fear and Plague. They said they were on their way to a large city where they were going to kill 10,000 people. The man asked Plague if he was going to do all the work. Plague smiled and said, "No, I'll only take care of a few hundred. I'll let my friend Fear do the rest. (Anon)
Friday 10 August 2007
Maybe......
.......we don't go to hell for the things we do, maybe we go to hell for the things we don't do.
http://www.chuckpalahniuk.com/quotes.php
http://www.chuckpalahniuk.com/quotes.php
Sober men don’t dance
Recently finished reading Happiness by Will Ferguson. What would happen if someone wrote the ultimate self-help book – one that really worked?
We’re not our possessions or our money or our social status. We are our personalities. Our foibles, our quirks, our eccentricities, our frustrations and our phobias; remove those and what do you have? Nothing. Just happy, mindless human shells. Blank eyes and bland expressions…
There is a discussion towards the end about the ‘Hellraiser’ Oliver Reed. Hellraisers rage and roar, and they celebrate life and they mourn its shortness. Hellraisers destroy only themselves, and they do it because they love life too much to fall asleep.
(Did I mention that I have not had a drop of alcohol for 12 weeks now?)
We’re not our possessions or our money or our social status. We are our personalities. Our foibles, our quirks, our eccentricities, our frustrations and our phobias; remove those and what do you have? Nothing. Just happy, mindless human shells. Blank eyes and bland expressions…
There is a discussion towards the end about the ‘Hellraiser’ Oliver Reed. Hellraisers rage and roar, and they celebrate life and they mourn its shortness. Hellraisers destroy only themselves, and they do it because they love life too much to fall asleep.
(Did I mention that I have not had a drop of alcohol for 12 weeks now?)
Blog Baby 1
First Blog Baby....Benjamin Thomas, born Wednesday 8th August at 18.07pm weighing 8lb 2oz. Brother for Emily. Happy parents Lynsey and Andy. Congratulations!!
Thursday 9 August 2007
Doctors Appointment (5)
My life truely flashed before my eyes yesterday when I fell down a hole that should have had a gate-post in it, but the gate was measured wrongly, did not get finished, and so a hole for me to fall into was left!! As I lay on the floor - with a large bag of frozen peas on my ankle - all I could think of was of my friend Julie who, a few years ago, fell over playing football in our garden and, although at the time there were shouts of 'its not broken,' she ended up having 6 weeks off work with her leg in a very large plaster!!
Luckily my leg was not broken, but I woke up at 4am this morning in a lot of pain. I think this is when the shock had worn off, as I cannot believe how calm I was at the time of the accident. I think The Bull was worried about the baby, but I knew from the other scars on my upper leg and my arm, that I had fallen on my side and not my front. Had a Drs appointment this morning anyway and she felt it best that I stay off work now until after the scan on the 17th (just over a week away).
I am conscious however, that I am not going to be able to walk for a few days. I shall have to force myself to relax and am going to try and sort out some of my relaxation tapes. I really did get quite panicky early this morning and started to worry about all kinds of things that perhaps really do not matter that much.
'Am I going to be able to cope?' I keep saying.
'Cope with what?' asks The Bull.
'Everything!' I reply.
Luckily my leg was not broken, but I woke up at 4am this morning in a lot of pain. I think this is when the shock had worn off, as I cannot believe how calm I was at the time of the accident. I think The Bull was worried about the baby, but I knew from the other scars on my upper leg and my arm, that I had fallen on my side and not my front. Had a Drs appointment this morning anyway and she felt it best that I stay off work now until after the scan on the 17th (just over a week away).
I am conscious however, that I am not going to be able to walk for a few days. I shall have to force myself to relax and am going to try and sort out some of my relaxation tapes. I really did get quite panicky early this morning and started to worry about all kinds of things that perhaps really do not matter that much.
'Am I going to be able to cope?' I keep saying.
'Cope with what?' asks The Bull.
'Everything!' I reply.
Tuesday 7 August 2007
California Dreaming
I think I am finally getting used to the idea - not just of having a baby, but also to the idea of having a child and being involved in their growth and development. This has mainly been sparked by some great TV that I have been forced to watch while I try to make 13 weeks. There have been a number of 'Incredible Brain' documentaries but also BBC2 have been showing Animal Park: Wild on the West Coast which has focused on the endangered species in California. In 1993 I was lucky enough to be able to visit America; including California where I met some fantastic people - Shad, Chris, Deloris, Gray and Andy etc. - pause while I go off dreaming of Monterey Bay, 17 Mile Drive, Pebble Beach Golf Club, Carmel, Clint Eastwood, Sly McFlys, the Pacific Coast Highway which led us to LA, Muscle Beach, Venice Beach, being rescued by Bay Watch, the hysterical Hat Shop, fabulous memories.....
Back to reality....While there, we were able to observe the work that goes on at the Monterey Bay Aquarium http://www.mbayaq.org/ I love otters and sea otters, but California sea otters numbers are not as they should be. Watching Animal Park has brought back some beautiful memories but also makes me think about the future of the planet and what my child will have to deal with. One thing is for certain, when they are old enough, I intend to take them to California, and meet the sea otters.
Back to reality....While there, we were able to observe the work that goes on at the Monterey Bay Aquarium http://www.mbayaq.org/ I love otters and sea otters, but California sea otters numbers are not as they should be. Watching Animal Park has brought back some beautiful memories but also makes me think about the future of the planet and what my child will have to deal with. One thing is for certain, when they are old enough, I intend to take them to California, and meet the sea otters.
Friday 3 August 2007
Week 11
Two weeks today and I will have had my scan and we can (fingers crossed) move out of limbo land!!
I remember reading somewhere that your mind will go when you are pregnant. I think mine has gone already!! I keep thinking of things and then seconds later its gone. I am having to carry a notebook and pen round with me everywhere so I don't forget things!!
And while the tiredness and nausea seem to be easing off a bit, the nest building seems to have kicked in big time (which of course brings the tiredness and nausea back). I have been sorting and chucking out huge piles of paper today and trying to make sense of the kitchen. I did manage to cook a lovely chilli at dinner for me and The Bull and then I sorted through all the cook books which have never been touched in the 5 (nearly 6) years we have lived here!!
My good friend Sarah visited yesterday. She only has one more week to go before she starts her maternity leave. Her due date is the 2nd September. She stayed for an hour and a half and it was great to be able to talk about everything that it happening, and will happen, to me!!
Apparently, people at work think I am either depressed or stressed. On any given day I can certainly manage either if not both of those!!
I remember reading somewhere that your mind will go when you are pregnant. I think mine has gone already!! I keep thinking of things and then seconds later its gone. I am having to carry a notebook and pen round with me everywhere so I don't forget things!!
And while the tiredness and nausea seem to be easing off a bit, the nest building seems to have kicked in big time (which of course brings the tiredness and nausea back). I have been sorting and chucking out huge piles of paper today and trying to make sense of the kitchen. I did manage to cook a lovely chilli at dinner for me and The Bull and then I sorted through all the cook books which have never been touched in the 5 (nearly 6) years we have lived here!!
My good friend Sarah visited yesterday. She only has one more week to go before she starts her maternity leave. Her due date is the 2nd September. She stayed for an hour and a half and it was great to be able to talk about everything that it happening, and will happen, to me!!
Apparently, people at work think I am either depressed or stressed. On any given day I can certainly manage either if not both of those!!
Monday 30 July 2007
I Hope You Dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
Lee Ann Womack
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
Lee Ann Womack
Saturday 28 July 2007
Doctors Appointment (4)
Had a terrible day yesterday. Woke up feeling ok (though had been really tired Thursday night) but then during the morning I got a pain in my abdomen. I know it was the abdomen as I rang NHS Direct (0845 46 47) and she asked me to identify where it was. While on the phone to the nurse (after first answering the same questions with someone else!) I can honestly say I was really panicking for the first time. Although most of my answers were a NO (I don't have back pain, My legs feel OK, I am not clammy etc) I could still see where I might end up. I really didn't want to go to the hospital and this was the first thing I said to Dr Dale when I got there at 2.50pm; approx. 4 hours later. Dr Dale previously sent me to hospital when she suspected I had an eptopic pregnancy. That time it turned out to be 'only' a UTI - although it was painful enough. This time however, by the time I got to the Drs I had calmed down and so had the pain. Probably nothing to be worried about, but if I am still worried Monday she says to bring a urine sample in to be checked for an infection. All I can really do at the moment is hold tight until the scan on the 17th August and try not to think about why the time is dragging so slowly at the moment!!
Thursday 26 July 2007
Doctors Appointment (3)
Went to the Doctor yesterday morning as its been a week since she signed me off. She asked about how I felt (not good) and about my walking (once every other day) at the mo. Been signed off for another two weeks.
Feeling very bad about not being at work now, but everyone I tell just says I need to chill out and look after myself and not think about work. Its hard not to. I feel so sorry for poor old Matthew having to cover for me, Bella only just having started on the team, and Cathy is probably off sick as well by now. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I hope to be back once I have had the scan and know everything is OK. I have been assurred that once the scan is out of the way I should start to chill out myself, but also my body should begin to feel 'normal' again. I do hope so!!
Feeling very bad about not being at work now, but everyone I tell just says I need to chill out and look after myself and not think about work. Its hard not to. I feel so sorry for poor old Matthew having to cover for me, Bella only just having started on the team, and Cathy is probably off sick as well by now. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I hope to be back once I have had the scan and know everything is OK. I have been assurred that once the scan is out of the way I should start to chill out myself, but also my body should begin to feel 'normal' again. I do hope so!!
It's Still Raining!!
Yes, its still raining! And yet The Bulls brother in Cheltenham is without running water. This is due to the floods down there and a local pumping station being submerged - thus infecting the water with sewage!! I can't help thinking of the mothers who may be due to give birth - what must they all be going through? Makes my nausea and tiredness feel so insignificant!!
Too Tired to Turn Over
Been lying on the settee with the remote control in one hand and a packet of ginger biscuits in the other.... First it was Dispatches: Undercover Mother and then it was I Hate Being a Mother discussed on The Wright Stuff. As if I wasn't worried enough!!!
Sunday 22 July 2007
The Wedding of Jo and Harvey
Last night we drove over to Gainsborough to go to Jo and Harvey’s wedding reception. Harvey is a school friend of The Bull. We had not seen them for ages and although we did not stay very long it was really nice to see them. The Bull told them both that he had got me ‘into trouble’. I think he felt better for actually having a conversation about it with someone other than me.
Jo and Harvey have twin boys. Jo dropped the bombshell last night that the older you are the more chance you have of conceiving twins!! And I thought it was just the cheese that was making me fat!!
Jo and Harvey have twin boys. Jo dropped the bombshell last night that the older you are the more chance you have of conceiving twins!! And I thought it was just the cheese that was making me fat!!
Thank you Christopher Brookmyre
Quote from All Fun and Games:
Everyone talked about the joys and the hardships, but for most of the three years.......motherhood mainly consisted of gaping aeons of numbing tedium punctuated by sudden, heart-stopping moments of panic.
But later on in the book I began to feel a bit better when the head of MI5 is quoted as saying being a mother prepares you for being a spy: Being a mother instils a ruthlessness of mind, a linearity of purpose reports Bett. Don't you think all those years of playing a one-woman good-cop, bad-cop to get the little buggers to cooperate would make you adept at maintaining a deceit in order to procure what you need?
Everyone talked about the joys and the hardships, but for most of the three years.......motherhood mainly consisted of gaping aeons of numbing tedium punctuated by sudden, heart-stopping moments of panic.
But later on in the book I began to feel a bit better when the head of MI5 is quoted as saying being a mother prepares you for being a spy: Being a mother instils a ruthlessness of mind, a linearity of purpose reports Bett. Don't you think all those years of playing a one-woman good-cop, bad-cop to get the little buggers to cooperate would make you adept at maintaining a deceit in order to procure what you need?
Wednesday 18 July 2007
Doctors Appointment (2)
Doctors Appointment (1) being when we confessed the deed!!
After having nearly a week off work and after seeing my supervisor on Monday night I knew I had to get to the Doctors. She was really good, and as well as signing me off sick for a week, she suggested that I need to do more exercise. There was me panicking about being short of breath but basically it is because I have done nothing but sit on my arse for the past week. She asked how I had been sleeping and I told her 'OK, other than the nightmares'. These have contained a lot of blood lately. As The Bull pointed out this may have more to do with my TV viewing and my reading materials than anything else, so I have decided to reduce the violence in both. In the last few weeks I have read The Mermaids Singing by Val McDermid (not very pleasant at all but still a very good novel), The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld (Freud visits New York in the early 1900's) and I am currently in the middle of All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye by Christopher Brookmyre. I must also stop watching Dexter (about a serial killer) as the blood count and goryness seems to increase each week, but its one of the best things on TV (FX Channel on Sky) at the moment!!
Dr Allison suggested I go for two walks a day so me and The Bull went to The Centurion for a quick drink (mine was a cooling Summer Breeze) last night and mum is picking me up in 30mins for another walk. Hopefully these will begin to calm me down and give me back some of my lost energy. Watch this Space!!
After having nearly a week off work and after seeing my supervisor on Monday night I knew I had to get to the Doctors. She was really good, and as well as signing me off sick for a week, she suggested that I need to do more exercise. There was me panicking about being short of breath but basically it is because I have done nothing but sit on my arse for the past week. She asked how I had been sleeping and I told her 'OK, other than the nightmares'. These have contained a lot of blood lately. As The Bull pointed out this may have more to do with my TV viewing and my reading materials than anything else, so I have decided to reduce the violence in both. In the last few weeks I have read The Mermaids Singing by Val McDermid (not very pleasant at all but still a very good novel), The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld (Freud visits New York in the early 1900's) and I am currently in the middle of All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye by Christopher Brookmyre. I must also stop watching Dexter (about a serial killer) as the blood count and goryness seems to increase each week, but its one of the best things on TV (FX Channel on Sky) at the moment!!
Dr Allison suggested I go for two walks a day so me and The Bull went to The Centurion for a quick drink (mine was a cooling Summer Breeze) last night and mum is picking me up in 30mins for another walk. Hopefully these will begin to calm me down and give me back some of my lost energy. Watch this Space!!
Tuesday 17 July 2007
Week 8 (and a Half)
God I feel such a hypocrite at the moment.
It is really the only thing I feel - that and an overpowering sense of tiredness (hence a week in-between blogs). I can just about get up before I have to get back down again at the moment. Once I have finished this blog I am sure I will have to have a long lie down to recover!!
This all started last week. I managed to get to Wednesday afternoon at work before my whole body just seemed to shut down. Every part of me has the feeling it is bruised and broken. Hence I rang in sick on Thursday. I know I am going to be in big trouble when I get back to work, but at the moment I am no use to man nor beast!!
So, why feeling a hypocrite?
Well, I have always been rather vocal about women at work who have time off during their pregnancy. I even remember, a few years ago, asking to have my chair back off a pregnant girly and when someone pointed this out, I replied 'Thats her choice not mine!!'. If that person remembers I'm gonna get it in the neck!!
It is really the only thing I feel - that and an overpowering sense of tiredness (hence a week in-between blogs). I can just about get up before I have to get back down again at the moment. Once I have finished this blog I am sure I will have to have a long lie down to recover!!
This all started last week. I managed to get to Wednesday afternoon at work before my whole body just seemed to shut down. Every part of me has the feeling it is bruised and broken. Hence I rang in sick on Thursday. I know I am going to be in big trouble when I get back to work, but at the moment I am no use to man nor beast!!
So, why feeling a hypocrite?
Well, I have always been rather vocal about women at work who have time off during their pregnancy. I even remember, a few years ago, asking to have my chair back off a pregnant girly and when someone pointed this out, I replied 'Thats her choice not mine!!'. If that person remembers I'm gonna get it in the neck!!
If a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it, then does it make a sound?
If a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it, then does it make a sound?
If we don't tell anyone the good news, am I really pregnant?
If we don't tell anyone the good news, am I really pregnant?
Sunday 8 July 2007
Are they still here?
Weekend visit from the brother of the Bull (nearly 40, no kids) and his wife. Spent the weekend convinced they would be able to tell. She's a nurse for gods sake!! I thought it was bound to be obvious when I didn't have my usual amount of wine, but after her second I don't think she really noticed.
Saturday night we had a small BarBQ for the Bulls dad who was 65 and a few of the family; including the sister and her daughter who is two. I still don't have any maternal instincts with regards to other peoples children. Given when she wanted to go to the toilet - and promptly took her nappy off and left it on my lawn - it was the other brothers wife (nurse) who took her; not me! I just stood watching at the window wondering who was going to deal with the discarded nappy.
The next time we see the brother and his wife will probably be the first game of the football season (11th August: Week 12). If all goes well we shall probably tell them then. I've always thought they would get around to it before us, but listening to them this weekend I still think they will be a few years yet - if at all. I am sure the look on their faces is going to be priceless!!
Saturday night we had a small BarBQ for the Bulls dad who was 65 and a few of the family; including the sister and her daughter who is two. I still don't have any maternal instincts with regards to other peoples children. Given when she wanted to go to the toilet - and promptly took her nappy off and left it on my lawn - it was the other brothers wife (nurse) who took her; not me! I just stood watching at the window wondering who was going to deal with the discarded nappy.
The next time we see the brother and his wife will probably be the first game of the football season (11th August: Week 12). If all goes well we shall probably tell them then. I've always thought they would get around to it before us, but listening to them this weekend I still think they will be a few years yet - if at all. I am sure the look on their faces is going to be priceless!!
Friday Morning - Week 7
I feel very sick this morning. Got THE letter from the hospital. Scan Date: Friday 17th August 2007 at 9.35am. Clinic: Obstetrics (Ante-Natal).
Oh My God! Its there in Black and White! It must be real. Its not a dream after all.
BUT...Its so hard not being able to tell anyone. Because we can't discuss it in public, its like it isn't really happening. But I can't remember what it was that The Bull and I used to talk about before it happened....
Oh My God! Its there in Black and White! It must be real. Its not a dream after all.
BUT...Its so hard not being able to tell anyone. Because we can't discuss it in public, its like it isn't really happening. But I can't remember what it was that The Bull and I used to talk about before it happened....
Tuesday 3 July 2007
'Am I just Paranoid?'
sang Green Day (Basket case)
So, Monday over and I've told my Supervisor the situation. I asked her not to tell anyone.
First thing this morning (Tuesday) and the girl I sit opposite - who is my team leader and friend of said Supervisor – shows me her copy of Glamour - with a pregnant Myleene Klass on the cover.....
Sometimes I give myself the creeps, Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up. I think I'm cracking up......
So, Monday over and I've told my Supervisor the situation. I asked her not to tell anyone.
First thing this morning (Tuesday) and the girl I sit opposite - who is my team leader and friend of said Supervisor – shows me her copy of Glamour - with a pregnant Myleene Klass on the cover.....
Sometimes I give myself the creeps, Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up. I think I'm cracking up......
'Rainy Days and Mondays….
always get me down.....' sang the Carpenters.
Never did like Mondays at the best of times but this was the first Monday morning after finding out and I felt so rough! Then there was the added worry that I had no petrol in the car – what if it ran out on the way to work and all I can do is throw up?
The alarm went off at 6am as usual and I was up and down, up and down. I have not actually been physically sick yet but what is it about brushing your teeth that makes you want to gag? Should I go to work or stay at home in bed I kept asking myself? But after having had three days off work only 2 weeks ago (which I now know to be related but didn’t realise at the time) I didn’t want to ring in sick again. Also I had left a bit of paper in the bottom drawer of my desk which, if anyone saw, they might put two and two together and make a baby! That was the decider. I somehow forced myself into the car - along with my many provisions - and drove the 10 minutes (thank God!) to work. By the time I arrived I had made up my mind to tell my Supervisor and one time best friend.
I had just about managed to turn the computer on and forced down a banana by the time she arrived. I asked for a few minutes and once we were alone I was in such a state that I burst into tears. Once I told her the news so did she. I certainly felt better for having told someone at work but my main worry now is how long will it stay a secret and will anyone guess before its time?
Never did like Mondays at the best of times but this was the first Monday morning after finding out and I felt so rough! Then there was the added worry that I had no petrol in the car – what if it ran out on the way to work and all I can do is throw up?
The alarm went off at 6am as usual and I was up and down, up and down. I have not actually been physically sick yet but what is it about brushing your teeth that makes you want to gag? Should I go to work or stay at home in bed I kept asking myself? But after having had three days off work only 2 weeks ago (which I now know to be related but didn’t realise at the time) I didn’t want to ring in sick again. Also I had left a bit of paper in the bottom drawer of my desk which, if anyone saw, they might put two and two together and make a baby! That was the decider. I somehow forced myself into the car - along with my many provisions - and drove the 10 minutes (thank God!) to work. By the time I arrived I had made up my mind to tell my Supervisor and one time best friend.
I had just about managed to turn the computer on and forced down a banana by the time she arrived. I asked for a few minutes and once we were alone I was in such a state that I burst into tears. Once I told her the news so did she. I certainly felt better for having told someone at work but my main worry now is how long will it stay a secret and will anyone guess before its time?
Sunday 1 July 2007
Week 6
It's still raining. It seems to have been raining constantly since the test came back positive - is this an omen?
Not wanting to tempt fate, I went to the library yesterday and got out 3 books. Of course I had to hide them under a pile of other books in case anyone I knew happened to be in the library!
Saturday night therefore was spent reading each book in turn. The main topic I was looking for was with regards to Morning Sickness. Why is it that each book seemed to give conflicting information with regards to when it is going to hit? I have been feeling slightly nauseous for a few weeks and because I was feeling so ill, I actually did a test on the day I was due this month but it showed negative. One week later however it was positive. Since then I seem to have done nothing but eat. I was at the pub on Thursday with some friends from work and the last time we went out I was dieting. I wondered afterwards if anyone suspected (one of the girls is due in September) as not only did I have two courses but also finished off the chips that had been left!! At last I have an excuse not to beat myself up for needing to buy a larger size!! However, I'm still going to have to pretend I am still my old self for a few weeks. What is my old self? I'm already beginning to forget!
My partner (Contributor of Sperm, likes to be know as 'the Bull') was off with his band last night (www.7dw.co.uk), but as the smoking ban didn't start til today I thought I had better stay at home - just to be sure! Not wanting to tempt fate or exisiting in the 'safe' zone seems to be the order of the day at the moment. For the last 12 months I have felt in limbo waiting for each months period to arrive and now that I have a positive test I still feel I am in limbo waiting for the 12 week mark (and the scan) to be passed.
We have only so far told my mother - who reacted as expected and still hasn't stopped screaming with joy! My partners father who asked; 'Are you Pleased?' My brother - who gave one of his knowing smiles - and his fiance who was a bit more forthcoming with her emotions.
I also told my gym buddy who already has two girls. She wouldn't let me carry the shopping bags back from Asda so already I am seeing some benefits! At least we now have a valid excuse for not going to the gym for a few weeks....
Not wanting to tempt fate, I went to the library yesterday and got out 3 books. Of course I had to hide them under a pile of other books in case anyone I knew happened to be in the library!
Saturday night therefore was spent reading each book in turn. The main topic I was looking for was with regards to Morning Sickness. Why is it that each book seemed to give conflicting information with regards to when it is going to hit? I have been feeling slightly nauseous for a few weeks and because I was feeling so ill, I actually did a test on the day I was due this month but it showed negative. One week later however it was positive. Since then I seem to have done nothing but eat. I was at the pub on Thursday with some friends from work and the last time we went out I was dieting. I wondered afterwards if anyone suspected (one of the girls is due in September) as not only did I have two courses but also finished off the chips that had been left!! At last I have an excuse not to beat myself up for needing to buy a larger size!! However, I'm still going to have to pretend I am still my old self for a few weeks. What is my old self? I'm already beginning to forget!
My partner (Contributor of Sperm, likes to be know as 'the Bull') was off with his band last night (www.7dw.co.uk), but as the smoking ban didn't start til today I thought I had better stay at home - just to be sure! Not wanting to tempt fate or exisiting in the 'safe' zone seems to be the order of the day at the moment. For the last 12 months I have felt in limbo waiting for each months period to arrive and now that I have a positive test I still feel I am in limbo waiting for the 12 week mark (and the scan) to be passed.
We have only so far told my mother - who reacted as expected and still hasn't stopped screaming with joy! My partners father who asked; 'Are you Pleased?' My brother - who gave one of his knowing smiles - and his fiance who was a bit more forthcoming with her emotions.
I also told my gym buddy who already has two girls. She wouldn't let me carry the shopping bags back from Asda so already I am seeing some benefits! At least we now have a valid excuse for not going to the gym for a few weeks....
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