Today I had to go back to have a re-scan on my cyst to see if it had got any bigger. The scanner (not sure what her title would be) was the poor lady who had to tell us that the baby had died 4 months ago. I ended up having two scans. One external and one internal to check on the status of the cyst, so this was not the best afternoon I have had this year.
When I got home there was a message on the answer-machine telling me that my brothers wedding photograph was in the Echo tonight. No question of how I got on at the hospital. As usual, little old me gets forgotten once golden b*****ks is about. Can’t say I’m not used to it, but being tired and emotional on my return from the hospital I was reduced to tears (again). I think I might know where to start in my session with Ian on Monday.....
As for the result, I will have to wait and see my GP in about 10 days to see whether or not I need to be referred to a Gynecologist.
Thursday 31 January 2008
Thursday 24 January 2008
OBSESSIVE? ME? OBSESSIVE? ME?
Not a lot is happening at the moment. Still trying....but nothing to report so far (unless you want me to go into the gory details of our attempts this month. Thought not!)
However, before Christmas I was referred to the Community Mental Health Team and on Monday I had my first appointment with a nice Nurse called Ian. We had a chat about many things but mainly the miscarriage and my father’s death 14years ago and how I am feeling right now. I told him that on occasions I am prone to great tearfulness (does that sound right?) which I find quite uncontrollable and distressing. We also talked about me officially leaving work in October and the idea of me having 6 months off to ‘see what happens’ but also to try and write that novel I have been talking about for years. Unfortunately, this hasn’t quite happened. It’s been three months since I left work and I am barely past the 20,000 word mark. Some might say this is a great achievement but I have a long way to go before the novel is complete and I seem to have wasted so many days with behaviors that verges on OCD. I am not constantly checking, but I feel a need to make sure the house is ‘just so’ before I sit down to right. Some days (too many days) it takes me so long to make the house ‘just right’ that I am too tired to do anything else and the writing gets forgotten until the next day when the cycle starts all over again….
Ian used the analogy of keeping everything in a locked room and not dealing with it and then the hinges starting to give way. I think a better analogy would be that of a dam threatening to break. I fear the tears and what could happen if I confront the feelings with regards to the miscarriage and my father’s death and this makes me try to maintain a high level of control in order to stop this from happening.
Prior to seeing Ian I did read a precise of the book; Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz www.ocduk.org/2/foursteps.htm. The concept is of Mindfulness which is something I have come across in the past. The idea is to attempt to Re-Label your thoughts. The book does not talk about OCD as a psychological problem, but more of a mis-firing of your behavioral responses and a chemical imbalance. The front part of your brain is overactive and uses excessive energy (stuck in gear). If you learn to re-label your thoughts and therefore control your behavioral responses (thoughts and urges) you will learn to resist the false messages i.e. I’m having a compulsive urge to….I don’t really need to….
Then you Reattribute these urges It’s not me. It’s my OCD. Don’t take the thoughts at face value. You don’t have to listen or act on them. They are false messages. You can’t make them go away, but you can shift gear and go and do something else. If you follow the urges you will only get a momentary relief.
You then Refocus onto another behavior / activity. Wait approx. 15 minutes before you act. Introduce a time delay before the compulsion.
Be mindful when you do the behavior the first time i.e. locking the door. Take in all the details and have a mental picture which you can refer to and can say This is my OCD.
Re-Label the OCD. My stupid obsession. Ignore it and get on with other things. Work around your OCD.
For our next meeting in two weeks, I have to do a precise of my mother and our relationship. One of the ‘problems’ I have in my life is that no-one has ever really talked about my dad since the day he died. Its like no-one dare mention it in case the flood gates open. This is certainly how I see it, but it hasn’t helped trying to have a ‘relationship’ with my mother and brother who both shy away (as I do) from such a conversation. I feel terrible having to think about / talk about my mother in a therapy session. I don’t want to be seen as name calling, but we all know there are issues that I must address before I can move on.
Ian suggested I investigate attending a Yoga class. I have been onto the British Wheel of Yoga website: www.bwy.org.uk/and have sent a number of emails to local practitioners so we shall see what happens.
However, before Christmas I was referred to the Community Mental Health Team and on Monday I had my first appointment with a nice Nurse called Ian. We had a chat about many things but mainly the miscarriage and my father’s death 14years ago and how I am feeling right now. I told him that on occasions I am prone to great tearfulness (does that sound right?) which I find quite uncontrollable and distressing. We also talked about me officially leaving work in October and the idea of me having 6 months off to ‘see what happens’ but also to try and write that novel I have been talking about for years. Unfortunately, this hasn’t quite happened. It’s been three months since I left work and I am barely past the 20,000 word mark. Some might say this is a great achievement but I have a long way to go before the novel is complete and I seem to have wasted so many days with behaviors that verges on OCD. I am not constantly checking, but I feel a need to make sure the house is ‘just so’ before I sit down to right. Some days (too many days) it takes me so long to make the house ‘just right’ that I am too tired to do anything else and the writing gets forgotten until the next day when the cycle starts all over again….
Ian used the analogy of keeping everything in a locked room and not dealing with it and then the hinges starting to give way. I think a better analogy would be that of a dam threatening to break. I fear the tears and what could happen if I confront the feelings with regards to the miscarriage and my father’s death and this makes me try to maintain a high level of control in order to stop this from happening.
Prior to seeing Ian I did read a precise of the book; Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz www.ocduk.org/2/foursteps.htm. The concept is of Mindfulness which is something I have come across in the past. The idea is to attempt to Re-Label your thoughts. The book does not talk about OCD as a psychological problem, but more of a mis-firing of your behavioral responses and a chemical imbalance. The front part of your brain is overactive and uses excessive energy (stuck in gear). If you learn to re-label your thoughts and therefore control your behavioral responses (thoughts and urges) you will learn to resist the false messages i.e. I’m having a compulsive urge to….I don’t really need to….
Then you Reattribute these urges It’s not me. It’s my OCD. Don’t take the thoughts at face value. You don’t have to listen or act on them. They are false messages. You can’t make them go away, but you can shift gear and go and do something else. If you follow the urges you will only get a momentary relief.
You then Refocus onto another behavior / activity. Wait approx. 15 minutes before you act. Introduce a time delay before the compulsion.
Be mindful when you do the behavior the first time i.e. locking the door. Take in all the details and have a mental picture which you can refer to and can say This is my OCD.
Re-Label the OCD. My stupid obsession. Ignore it and get on with other things. Work around your OCD.
For our next meeting in two weeks, I have to do a precise of my mother and our relationship. One of the ‘problems’ I have in my life is that no-one has ever really talked about my dad since the day he died. Its like no-one dare mention it in case the flood gates open. This is certainly how I see it, but it hasn’t helped trying to have a ‘relationship’ with my mother and brother who both shy away (as I do) from such a conversation. I feel terrible having to think about / talk about my mother in a therapy session. I don’t want to be seen as name calling, but we all know there are issues that I must address before I can move on.
Ian suggested I investigate attending a Yoga class. I have been onto the British Wheel of Yoga website: www.bwy.org.uk/and have sent a number of emails to local practitioners so we shall see what happens.
Friday 11 January 2008
First Doctors Appointment of 2008
It has been 5 months since 'the trouble' and I thought I had better go back and check that everything was on track. I have been worried over the last few months as my periods seemed to be more like the start of the miscarriage than a period. Needless to say this has been a bit distressing. However, I feel a lot better now because as long as my cycle is regular, it should mean I am ovulating and therefore back to 'normal.' I also asked about my cyst; as when I do any exercise I can feel a niggle down my left side. Its nothing really painful, but I have been referred for another scan just to check it hasn't grown any more.
Monday 7 January 2008
The Secret of Gratitude
I don’t remember how or when I started to receive the Cygnus Review http://www.cygnus-books.co.uk/ but it is truly an inspiring publication and one that is free! It recommends a series of books (that you can buy via the review) but is never pushy and frankly gives a lot of information for free.
There is a section in January’s issue written by Rhonda Byrne of The Secret. She says: It is impossible to bring more good into your life if you are feeling ungrateful for what you have. Thoughts and feelings you emit as you feel ungrateful attract a life filled with more things to feel ungrateful about…….Imagine that the universe (which is all-good) is like the sun. The sun continually shines, sending out its life energy to us in a never-ending stream. You experience the effect of the sun when you are facing it, but if you turn away you will no longer receive its life giving effects. The universe is like the sun. When you complain, blame, criticize, feel resentment, jealousy or any negative emotion, you are turning away from all that is good. Making a regular list of all the things you are grateful for is one of the most powerful tools you can ever use to transform your life into total joy. When you write about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending list of thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for.
There is a section in January’s issue written by Rhonda Byrne of The Secret. She says: It is impossible to bring more good into your life if you are feeling ungrateful for what you have. Thoughts and feelings you emit as you feel ungrateful attract a life filled with more things to feel ungrateful about…….Imagine that the universe (which is all-good) is like the sun. The sun continually shines, sending out its life energy to us in a never-ending stream. You experience the effect of the sun when you are facing it, but if you turn away you will no longer receive its life giving effects. The universe is like the sun. When you complain, blame, criticize, feel resentment, jealousy or any negative emotion, you are turning away from all that is good. Making a regular list of all the things you are grateful for is one of the most powerful tools you can ever use to transform your life into total joy. When you write about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending list of thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for.
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