.....and gone.
Just got to wait until April 2013 to find out if we have been successful.
Fingers Crossed.......
Friday 30 November 2012
Tuesday 27 November 2012
The Tree is Up!!
Their visit was all the excuse I needed.
Jamie and Lucy loved getting all the tinsel, lights, tree's and other decorations out of the boxes - and spreading them all over the house - but it was a lovely night!
It has to be said that Jamie and Lucy played wonderfully over the weekend. There was hardly an argument at all - other than the odd tearful complaint that someone 'wasn't sharing'. And of course they both got to 'jump on Daddy and uncle Dean' and their bedtime (Christmas) stories from me!
On the Sunday we paid our yearly pilgrimage to the Bauble Barn www.doddingtonhall.com/bauble-barn.php to purchase yet more lights and decorations. Unfortunately they had not started selling their trees as yet so Jamie and Lucy could not play 'Gruffalo' like they did last year. They did however, find a lovely pile of leaves to run back and forth through - which seemed to keep them very busy!!
After the Bauble Barn, we met up with Nanna Grace; along with auntie Tracy, uncle Jack, new baby cousin Laura and Alannah at The White Hart to celebrate Nanna's 92 birthday. Uncle Michael, auntie Hannah and cousin Noah also popped in for a drink, so it had something of a party atmosphere. Just don't mention the broken lamp....
A wonderful start to Christmas!!
Sunday 25 November 2012
Discipline.....
Further to my recent entries on Raising Boys and Mardy Moo, Bounty had this to say regarding Discipline:
What is discipline?
Discipline may conjure up images of telling offs but in reality it’s about setting boundaries for behaviour. The way kids learn is they do stuff, we react to it and they learn what not to do. If there is no reaction from you, they won’t learn anything, warns Gill Hines, author of the parenting book, Its Not Fair (Piatkus books). Don’t try to be their best friend and /or feel they won’t like you if you say no. Discipline is not a dirty word and it won’t squash who they are.
What’s the right age to start introducing discipline?
It’s never too early to start setting boundaries for rules and behaviour, says Gill. From the age of three years old children can start to understand why for instance they shouldn’t run into the road, or push another child. However, warns Gill, People now feel a good parent always reasons and talks about problems at length but with young children reasoning doesn’t work, they don’t understand and if you have a long conversation about it they will stop listening. For effective discipline Gill suggests, keeping language simple, clear and explanations short.
Here are a few discipline techniques for your 3-5 year old:
Naughty step
The naughty step (or a time out area) is a place where a child can be put when she has broken a rule or boundary to reflect on her behaviour. How it works:
•You warn your child when he does something wrong that if he does it again he’ll have to sit on the naughty step or go into time out.
•If he repeats the behaviour, you place him in the area for a set time (usually one minute for every year of his age).
•After the time is over, you sit down with him and explain why you put him there, ask him to apologise, give him a cuddle and then move on.
Reward charts
Reward charts work by parents choosing behaviours that their child needs to work on. For each instance of good behaviour the child will receive a sticker or mark on the chart, and at the end of the week a reward of some kind. Reward charts work best with children who are aged three years and older as they are beginning to understand which behaviours are acceptable and which are not.
Positive discipline
This is about giving them lots of approval when they are behaving well. Children really want your approval and attention, says Gill, but the reality is when a kid is behaving well, playing by themselves or watching TV, parents tend to go off and do something that needs to be done, so kids then have to do something bad to get attention. It’s instinctive behaviour that all children, get driven too.
How to discipline your 3-5 year old
1. Set clear boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. These should be constant. For instance, hitting siblings/throwing food/pushing another child is always wrong.
2. Always implement a consequence for a broken boundary. Perhaps disapproval, time out, or the naughty step (see above).
3. Make sure your child needs to know this consequence in advance. For example: ‘If you hit your sister again, you will go on the naughty step.’
4. Be consistent about implementing your rules/boundaries, otherwise your child will soon learn not to take you seriously.
5. Make sure your rules are followed when you’re not around by speaking to your child’s nursery or childcare provider and grandparents.
http://www.bounty.com/toddler/parenting/firm-but-fair-discipline-and-your-3-5-year-old?
What is discipline?
Discipline may conjure up images of telling offs but in reality it’s about setting boundaries for behaviour. The way kids learn is they do stuff, we react to it and they learn what not to do. If there is no reaction from you, they won’t learn anything, warns Gill Hines, author of the parenting book, Its Not Fair (Piatkus books). Don’t try to be their best friend and /or feel they won’t like you if you say no. Discipline is not a dirty word and it won’t squash who they are.
What’s the right age to start introducing discipline?
It’s never too early to start setting boundaries for rules and behaviour, says Gill. From the age of three years old children can start to understand why for instance they shouldn’t run into the road, or push another child. However, warns Gill, People now feel a good parent always reasons and talks about problems at length but with young children reasoning doesn’t work, they don’t understand and if you have a long conversation about it they will stop listening. For effective discipline Gill suggests, keeping language simple, clear and explanations short.
Here are a few discipline techniques for your 3-5 year old:
Naughty step
The naughty step (or a time out area) is a place where a child can be put when she has broken a rule or boundary to reflect on her behaviour. How it works:
•You warn your child when he does something wrong that if he does it again he’ll have to sit on the naughty step or go into time out.
•If he repeats the behaviour, you place him in the area for a set time (usually one minute for every year of his age).
•After the time is over, you sit down with him and explain why you put him there, ask him to apologise, give him a cuddle and then move on.
Reward charts
Reward charts work by parents choosing behaviours that their child needs to work on. For each instance of good behaviour the child will receive a sticker or mark on the chart, and at the end of the week a reward of some kind. Reward charts work best with children who are aged three years and older as they are beginning to understand which behaviours are acceptable and which are not.
Positive discipline
This is about giving them lots of approval when they are behaving well. Children really want your approval and attention, says Gill, but the reality is when a kid is behaving well, playing by themselves or watching TV, parents tend to go off and do something that needs to be done, so kids then have to do something bad to get attention. It’s instinctive behaviour that all children, get driven too.
How to discipline your 3-5 year old
1. Set clear boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. These should be constant. For instance, hitting siblings/throwing food/pushing another child is always wrong.
2. Always implement a consequence for a broken boundary. Perhaps disapproval, time out, or the naughty step (see above).
3. Make sure your child needs to know this consequence in advance. For example: ‘If you hit your sister again, you will go on the naughty step.’
4. Be consistent about implementing your rules/boundaries, otherwise your child will soon learn not to take you seriously.
5. Make sure your rules are followed when you’re not around by speaking to your child’s nursery or childcare provider and grandparents.
http://www.bounty.com/toddler/parenting/firm-but-fair-discipline-and-your-3-5-year-old?
Friday 23 November 2012
No Bag to Nursey...
Recently we had a newsletter from nursery asking that - because of space issues - only children who require nappy changing, or are toilet training, should take a bag in with spare clothes etc.
I have always packed Jamie's bag up each morning and re-checked it every night when he returns to ensure he has sufficient clothes etc. Admittedly I have hardly touched his bag in the last few weeks (possibly since he started pre-school) as there have been no 'little accidents'.
So today I sent him off with his wellies in a carrier bag and his coat - with his gloves and hat tucked in the pockets.
Lets home we won't regret leaving his bag at home!!
I have always packed Jamie's bag up each morning and re-checked it every night when he returns to ensure he has sufficient clothes etc. Admittedly I have hardly touched his bag in the last few weeks (possibly since he started pre-school) as there have been no 'little accidents'.
So today I sent him off with his wellies in a carrier bag and his coat - with his gloves and hat tucked in the pockets.
Lets home we won't regret leaving his bag at home!!
Thursday 22 November 2012
Mardy Moo!!
Met Harry and his mum Karen for a playdate at The Fun Farm on Tuesday; which is always a brilliant afternoon. The only problem to begin with was the large (stuffed) bear standing by the entrance which Jamie was not happy about at all. And he made me promise there was 'no one dressed up' inside.
But once past the bear, Jamie and Harry were soon running about like maniacs - except when it came to taking it in turns....
In the Fun Farm there is a large ball pool with a 'fountain' in the middle that the children can fill with balls and then press a button to release them all into the air! This is great fun - unless one of the children is hogging the button. Unfortunately this child happened to be mine, and so I had to tell him off.
This had the effect of Jamie running off in what can only be described as a 'strop'. I watched him run off and saw him go into the pirate ship. I then watched as he plonked himself in the top bit looking very sorry for himself. After about 10 minutes - of me constantly checking to make sure I could still see him - I went out and waved at him. He slowly walked back to us in the ball pool - where I was sat with my arms out for him to give me a great big cuddle.
He wasn't as mardy after his cuddle, but he was still less than happy to wait his turn,
But Jamie and Harry definitely left good friends with party invitations exchanged!
But once past the bear, Jamie and Harry were soon running about like maniacs - except when it came to taking it in turns....
In the Fun Farm there is a large ball pool with a 'fountain' in the middle that the children can fill with balls and then press a button to release them all into the air! This is great fun - unless one of the children is hogging the button. Unfortunately this child happened to be mine, and so I had to tell him off.
This had the effect of Jamie running off in what can only be described as a 'strop'. I watched him run off and saw him go into the pirate ship. I then watched as he plonked himself in the top bit looking very sorry for himself. After about 10 minutes - of me constantly checking to make sure I could still see him - I went out and waved at him. He slowly walked back to us in the ball pool - where I was sat with my arms out for him to give me a great big cuddle.
He wasn't as mardy after his cuddle, but he was still less than happy to wait his turn,
But Jamie and Harry definitely left good friends with party invitations exchanged!
Monday 19 November 2012
The Saga of Grace...
A few weeks ago, Jamie was telling daddy that him and some of the others boys would not let Grace into their house (actually a large cardboard box). Daddy told Jamie that they shouldn't be so naughty and should let Grace play with them if she wanted.
I spoke to one of the ladies at pre-school this week about this conversation and it turns out that Grace is the one who doesn't let the boys play!
Went home and had a chat with Jamie who tells us Grace is often on the naughty step. We asked whether he had ever been on the naughty step but Jamie replied he was a 'good boy'.
Lets hope so!!
I spoke to one of the ladies at pre-school this week about this conversation and it turns out that Grace is the one who doesn't let the boys play!
Went home and had a chat with Jamie who tells us Grace is often on the naughty step. We asked whether he had ever been on the naughty step but Jamie replied he was a 'good boy'.
Lets hope so!!
Saturday 17 November 2012
Raising Boys: Rough and Tumble Games
Came home Tuesday night after a few hours out of the house to find daddy and Jamie wrestling in the hallway.....
Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph 1998 (Finch Publishing) also discusses rough and tumble games. Steve Biddulph says; There's a unique father behaviour that has been observed all over the world. Dads (along with big brothers, uncles and others) love to wrestle and play rough and tumble games with little boys.
For a long time nobody understood why this was so - especially mothers, who are usually trying to calm things down while dads seem likely to stir them up all over again!
But its been found that what boys are learning in 'rough and tumble' is an essential lesson for all males; how to be able to have fun, get noisey, even get angry and, at the same time, know when to stop.
For a male, living with testosterone, this is vital. If you live in a male body, you have to learn how to drive it.
Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph 1998 (Finch Publishing) also discusses rough and tumble games. Steve Biddulph says; There's a unique father behaviour that has been observed all over the world. Dads (along with big brothers, uncles and others) love to wrestle and play rough and tumble games with little boys.
For a long time nobody understood why this was so - especially mothers, who are usually trying to calm things down while dads seem likely to stir them up all over again!
But its been found that what boys are learning in 'rough and tumble' is an essential lesson for all males; how to be able to have fun, get noisey, even get angry and, at the same time, know when to stop.
For a male, living with testosterone, this is vital. If you live in a male body, you have to learn how to drive it.
Thursday 15 November 2012
Raising Boys: Testosterone
Following the article at: http://grumpymumtobe.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/bringing-up-boys.html I ordered Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph 1998 (Finch Publishing) from the library.
Steve Biddulph believes there are 3 stages of boyhood; birth to six, six to fourteen and fourteen to adult.
A lot of the book is of no relevance to Jamie at the moment but I was interested to read about boys and testosterone. He writes; 'at the age of four, for reasons nobody quite understands, boys receive a sudden surge of testosterone - doubling their blood levels. At this age, little Jamie (his choice of name!) may become much more interested in action, heroics, adventures and vigourous play.
At five years of age, the testosterone level drops by a half, and young Jamie calms down again, just in time for school! Enough testosterone is still around for him to be interested in activity, adventure and exploration, but not especially in girls.
Somewhere between the ages of eleven and thirteen, the levels start to rise sharply again. Eventually they will increase by some 800% over the levels of toddlerhood. The result is a sudden growth and elongation of his arms and legs - so much that his whole nervous system has to rewire itself. In about 50% of boys, the testosterone levels are so high that some converts into oestrogen, and breast swelling and tenderness may be experienced. This is nothing to worry about.
The reorganisation of Jamie's brain, caused by the rapid growth, makes him dopey and disorganised for many months. If Jamie's parents know this is all part of puberty and take a relaxed, if vigilant, attitude then things should work out just fine.'
Steve Biddulph believes there are 3 stages of boyhood; birth to six, six to fourteen and fourteen to adult.
A lot of the book is of no relevance to Jamie at the moment but I was interested to read about boys and testosterone. He writes; 'at the age of four, for reasons nobody quite understands, boys receive a sudden surge of testosterone - doubling their blood levels. At this age, little Jamie (his choice of name!) may become much more interested in action, heroics, adventures and vigourous play.
At five years of age, the testosterone level drops by a half, and young Jamie calms down again, just in time for school! Enough testosterone is still around for him to be interested in activity, adventure and exploration, but not especially in girls.
Somewhere between the ages of eleven and thirteen, the levels start to rise sharply again. Eventually they will increase by some 800% over the levels of toddlerhood. The result is a sudden growth and elongation of his arms and legs - so much that his whole nervous system has to rewire itself. In about 50% of boys, the testosterone levels are so high that some converts into oestrogen, and breast swelling and tenderness may be experienced. This is nothing to worry about.
The reorganisation of Jamie's brain, caused by the rapid growth, makes him dopey and disorganised for many months. If Jamie's parents know this is all part of puberty and take a relaxed, if vigilant, attitude then things should work out just fine.'
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Another Day, Another School Visit
After visiting our favourite school with Nicola and Will last week, I told them about another open day taking place at a school just outside our town boundary. The mother of Jamie's friend Harry, from Baby Signing, is a teacher there, and she had told us about it. As Nicola and Will wanted to have a look around, we decided to go with them - just for a look!
I was glad that Jamie and I did join them for the afternoon. It was a lovely school and it certainly deserves its good reputation. We were shown around by one of the school governors who certainly knew his stuff.
While looking round we saw a couple of Jamie's friends. I do worry that he won't know anyone at his chosen school, but then I don't know where any of his friends parents have decided on as yet. I have exchanged so many text messages with other mummy's on this subject, but I can't choose a school just because his friends are going there!!
Other than being quite a distance from our house (although not a million miles away) the other worry I had with this particular school was the fact that the infants and juniors are separate schools. The only thing that links them (according to the governor) is the boiler. This means that we would have to apply to attend the junior school once Jamie got to the final year of infants. I don't suppose this would be too much of a problem, but the junior school has a different headmaster, board of governor's, and possibly an entirely different philosophy!!
I was glad that Jamie and I did join them for the afternoon. It was a lovely school and it certainly deserves its good reputation. We were shown around by one of the school governors who certainly knew his stuff.
While looking round we saw a couple of Jamie's friends. I do worry that he won't know anyone at his chosen school, but then I don't know where any of his friends parents have decided on as yet. I have exchanged so many text messages with other mummy's on this subject, but I can't choose a school just because his friends are going there!!
Other than being quite a distance from our house (although not a million miles away) the other worry I had with this particular school was the fact that the infants and juniors are separate schools. The only thing that links them (according to the governor) is the boiler. This means that we would have to apply to attend the junior school once Jamie got to the final year of infants. I don't suppose this would be too much of a problem, but the junior school has a different headmaster, board of governor's, and possibly an entirely different philosophy!!
Friday 9 November 2012
Pre-School Injections
What a brave boy!!
But what a horrible afternoon. Left work early and met daddy and Jamie. A friend had suggested giving Jamie Calpol before the injection so daddy had given him two spoonfuls before leaving the house.
It wasn't one injection but two - one in each arm (MMR (L) and DTap/IPV (R) - it says here).
Jamie spotted the needle just as the nurse was going to put it into his arm. This meant he flinched and she ended up scratching him. She then had to actually inject him, and then do the other arm. He wanted a plaster for the scratch, but would not have a plaster for the second injection.
There is nothing worse than seeing your child in distress. I hated every minute of it and was glad daddy had come along so he could hold Jamie tight. I tried not to look as distressed as I was - at least for Jamie's sake and was so glad once it was over.
We all needed a boost after all that, so drove to McDonalds for a Happy Meal. Trouble was Jamie was asleep before we got home. Must have been all that Calpol!
We put him to bed just after 5pm. Mummy got into bed with him and caught up with some reading. After such a stressful day it was nice to have some 'me' time. Jamie did wake up later asking for mummy and daddy and his Happy Meal!! Lots of cuddles for everyone.....
But what a horrible afternoon. Left work early and met daddy and Jamie. A friend had suggested giving Jamie Calpol before the injection so daddy had given him two spoonfuls before leaving the house.
It wasn't one injection but two - one in each arm (MMR (L) and DTap/IPV (R) - it says here).
Jamie spotted the needle just as the nurse was going to put it into his arm. This meant he flinched and she ended up scratching him. She then had to actually inject him, and then do the other arm. He wanted a plaster for the scratch, but would not have a plaster for the second injection.
There is nothing worse than seeing your child in distress. I hated every minute of it and was glad daddy had come along so he could hold Jamie tight. I tried not to look as distressed as I was - at least for Jamie's sake and was so glad once it was over.
We all needed a boost after all that, so drove to McDonalds for a Happy Meal. Trouble was Jamie was asleep before we got home. Must have been all that Calpol!
We put him to bed just after 5pm. Mummy got into bed with him and caught up with some reading. After such a stressful day it was nice to have some 'me' time. Jamie did wake up later asking for mummy and daddy and his Happy Meal!! Lots of cuddles for everyone.....
Wednesday 7 November 2012
Return School Visit
Yesterday we went back for a return visit to the larger of the two schools we are considering. This time we went during the school day and took Jamie, and his friend Will, and mum Nicola, came along as well. For them this was the first school they have visited, so for them this school will be their benchmark against any others that they visit.
For us, we just wanted to see how Jamie felt. And he seemed to like it. In some classrooms it was difficult to get him out as he was playing with the toys and other props. For mummy and daddy the tour - this time with the deputy head - only added to the good feeling that we had gained on the open evening. So it looks like we have made a decision.
Having said all this, there is an open day next week for another school in the locality that so far we have not considered....
For us, we just wanted to see how Jamie felt. And he seemed to like it. In some classrooms it was difficult to get him out as he was playing with the toys and other props. For mummy and daddy the tour - this time with the deputy head - only added to the good feeling that we had gained on the open evening. So it looks like we have made a decision.
Having said all this, there is an open day next week for another school in the locality that so far we have not considered....
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Counted Backwards!!
In bed with Jamie last night and we were reading lots of stories; Room on the Broom, Cats Ahoy, a couple of the Postman Pat books, etc. when Jamie started counting backwards from 10. I don't know what set him off - we weren't looking at the numbers book - but he did 10 to 3 very quickly, and very quietly. I asked him to do it again and, with a little prompting, managed 10 down to 1.
Very proud!!
Very proud!!
Monday 5 November 2012
Superman!!
Jamie had two nights without mummy and daddy this weekend. It wasn't planned that way, but ages ago mummy and daddy bought tickets to see Comedian Sean Hughes on the Friday night (who was brilliant) and then shortly after that they were invited to a wedding reception on the Saturday.
This meant that Nana came to sit with Jamie Friday night and then Jamie had a sleepover at Nana's on Saturday. Prior to taking him to Nana's on Saturday night though, we went to a firework party at cousin Noah's. I had originally said we would not go as it would be too much for all of us, but I am glad I made the effort as Jamie (and mummy) had a great time. We left early (after some lovely fireworks) and mummy did a quick change before dropping Jamie off at Nana's. He was still hyper after the party but Nana said he soon dropped off and other than his usual kicking about in bed was very well behaved.
Sunday morning we picked him up just after 10am and went to get some shopping. While we were at Asda we saw some dressing up outfits. I had been looking for a fireman outfit for him, but instead came away with a Superman outfit. At nursery they have recently been playing 'superheros' and while we were out shopping the other day Jamie actually put his coat around his neck - a la cape. Its amazing how these toddler traits go from generation to generation.
When we got back home Jamie put his outfit on straightaway and Dale found some clips on the Internet from the Superman films. The only worry now, is that he thinks he can actually fly when he has his cape on. Thank goodness we live in a bungalow!!
This meant that Nana came to sit with Jamie Friday night and then Jamie had a sleepover at Nana's on Saturday. Prior to taking him to Nana's on Saturday night though, we went to a firework party at cousin Noah's. I had originally said we would not go as it would be too much for all of us, but I am glad I made the effort as Jamie (and mummy) had a great time. We left early (after some lovely fireworks) and mummy did a quick change before dropping Jamie off at Nana's. He was still hyper after the party but Nana said he soon dropped off and other than his usual kicking about in bed was very well behaved.
Sunday morning we picked him up just after 10am and went to get some shopping. While we were at Asda we saw some dressing up outfits. I had been looking for a fireman outfit for him, but instead came away with a Superman outfit. At nursery they have recently been playing 'superheros' and while we were out shopping the other day Jamie actually put his coat around his neck - a la cape. Its amazing how these toddler traits go from generation to generation.
When we got back home Jamie put his outfit on straightaway and Dale found some clips on the Internet from the Superman films. The only worry now, is that he thinks he can actually fly when he has his cape on. Thank goodness we live in a bungalow!!
Saturday 3 November 2012
“Being” as an Alternative to “Doing”
“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”
― Eckhart Tolle
New research on the brain in the past 10 years has shed a light on how much past experience and the desire to avoid pain shapes our brain pathways. Our brains were designed first and foremost to help us survive and pass on our genes, and therefore have automatic negative biases and orientations towards danger. We automatically scan our worlds for past mistakes we dare not repeat, and future threats we try desperately to avoid and prepare to deal with. In so doing, we lose touch with present-moment experience and limit our abilities to spontaneously experience positive states such as joy, connection, and love. Teaching ourselves to focus on the present moment can train our brain pathways towards more deliberate and positive experiencing.
Savor the Moment!
John Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction therapy suggests that our brains operate primarily in “Doing” Mode. We actively use our minds to solve problems, make plans, anticipate obstacles, evaluate how far we are from desired goals and choose between alternatives by judging their relative value. While “Doing” mode is extremely useful for helping us advance in our careers, be popular, lose weight, and a myriad of other life tasks, it falls short when it comes to managing emotions. Emotions cannot be reasoned away or “solved” and evaluating how far we are from feeling as happy as we’d like to feel only makes us feel worse. This type of thinking can actually exacerbate “sad” emotions by introducing a second layer in which we criticize or judge ourselves for being sad. “Doing” mode also doesn’t work when there is nothing we can do to change the situation. We may desperately want to be married, rich, loved, or successful, but we cannot force these outcomes to happen right away, even with the best of efforts. “Doing" mode can also lead to disheartening comparisons with people we feel are doing better than us and ruminations of why we are not where they are.
Now, nobody is suggesting that we give up “Doing” mode altogether. If this were the case, we would never even find our keys to get out the front door. However, there is another way of being that many of us are not even aware of, and that is “Being” Mode. Unlike its counterpart, “Being” mode is not action-oriented, evaluative, or future-focused. It involves slowing down our minds and deliberately grounding ourselves by focusing on what we are experiencing right now. In "Being” mode, it is okay to just be us, whatever we happen to be experiencing; we do not try to change our thoughts or emotions into more positive ones or shut out aspects of our experience. Rather, we begin to develop a different relationship with our own senses, bodily states and emotions by deliberately focusing on what they are trying to tell us and allowing ourselves to be compassionately open to these messages.
“Being” mode involves accepting what is, because it will be there anyway. We begin to release energy, relax, and let go of the struggle to mould our reality into our preconceived ideas of what it should be. We begin to let go of judgments and regrets about the past and fear of the future. Rather than berating ourselves for not achieving the status in life we think we deserve or are entitled to, we allow ourselves to look fully and open-mindedly at where we are. Eventually we realize that this may not be so bad. We learn to extend love, compassion, and kindness to ourselves, and everything around us, rather than compartmentalizing reality into “good” and “bad,” or “winners” and “losers.” We are all infinitely more complex than what we earn or own; we are lovable and interesting, just by being human. This moment is just this moment and not where we are stuck forever. Ironically, by accepting the present, we open up space for internal and external movement and change.
Learning to Be Present With Yourself: The Power of Living an Engaged Life by Melanie A. Greenberg
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201204/learning-be-present-yourself
― Eckhart Tolle
New research on the brain in the past 10 years has shed a light on how much past experience and the desire to avoid pain shapes our brain pathways. Our brains were designed first and foremost to help us survive and pass on our genes, and therefore have automatic negative biases and orientations towards danger. We automatically scan our worlds for past mistakes we dare not repeat, and future threats we try desperately to avoid and prepare to deal with. In so doing, we lose touch with present-moment experience and limit our abilities to spontaneously experience positive states such as joy, connection, and love. Teaching ourselves to focus on the present moment can train our brain pathways towards more deliberate and positive experiencing.
Savor the Moment!
John Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction therapy suggests that our brains operate primarily in “Doing” Mode. We actively use our minds to solve problems, make plans, anticipate obstacles, evaluate how far we are from desired goals and choose between alternatives by judging their relative value. While “Doing” mode is extremely useful for helping us advance in our careers, be popular, lose weight, and a myriad of other life tasks, it falls short when it comes to managing emotions. Emotions cannot be reasoned away or “solved” and evaluating how far we are from feeling as happy as we’d like to feel only makes us feel worse. This type of thinking can actually exacerbate “sad” emotions by introducing a second layer in which we criticize or judge ourselves for being sad. “Doing” mode also doesn’t work when there is nothing we can do to change the situation. We may desperately want to be married, rich, loved, or successful, but we cannot force these outcomes to happen right away, even with the best of efforts. “Doing" mode can also lead to disheartening comparisons with people we feel are doing better than us and ruminations of why we are not where they are.
Now, nobody is suggesting that we give up “Doing” mode altogether. If this were the case, we would never even find our keys to get out the front door. However, there is another way of being that many of us are not even aware of, and that is “Being” Mode. Unlike its counterpart, “Being” mode is not action-oriented, evaluative, or future-focused. It involves slowing down our minds and deliberately grounding ourselves by focusing on what we are experiencing right now. In "Being” mode, it is okay to just be us, whatever we happen to be experiencing; we do not try to change our thoughts or emotions into more positive ones or shut out aspects of our experience. Rather, we begin to develop a different relationship with our own senses, bodily states and emotions by deliberately focusing on what they are trying to tell us and allowing ourselves to be compassionately open to these messages.
“Being” mode involves accepting what is, because it will be there anyway. We begin to release energy, relax, and let go of the struggle to mould our reality into our preconceived ideas of what it should be. We begin to let go of judgments and regrets about the past and fear of the future. Rather than berating ourselves for not achieving the status in life we think we deserve or are entitled to, we allow ourselves to look fully and open-mindedly at where we are. Eventually we realize that this may not be so bad. We learn to extend love, compassion, and kindness to ourselves, and everything around us, rather than compartmentalizing reality into “good” and “bad,” or “winners” and “losers.” We are all infinitely more complex than what we earn or own; we are lovable and interesting, just by being human. This moment is just this moment and not where we are stuck forever. Ironically, by accepting the present, we open up space for internal and external movement and change.
Learning to Be Present With Yourself: The Power of Living an Engaged Life by Melanie A. Greenberg
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201204/learning-be-present-yourself
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