Non-Domestic Goddess Advice

While sorting out my 'Ideas' Folder (see: http://theonlyconsequence.blogspot.com/) I came across a piece of wisdom from the Non-Domestic Goddess (Daily Mail: 2007).
Someone had written in and asked; ‘I’m getting on a bit and worry that if I don’t have a child now, I never will – which I might regret. On the other hand, I just don’t know if I’m up to it. How can I tell?’

OK, here goes (comes the answer). First, smear mud and peanut butter and jam all over your hands and wipe them all over the walls, the curtains and the soft furnishings, as well as over your face, right into the hairline and beyond.
Make sure you are good and sticky all over. Next, get a slice of toast and stuff it into the DVD player while dragging the cat around by its tail, treading banana into the carpet and crayoning all over your new wood flooring.
Get up at least 27 times a night to swing a Moses basket and make soothing noises when though inside you are screaming ‘sleep, sleep, you b****** sleep!’ And take your breasts out in public. A lot. Even in front of your father-in-law.
Put a tea-towel on your partners head, pretend he is a shepherd in a nativity play, and clap rapturously even if he forgets his words and then cries and wets his pants. Practice saying ‘Put a jumper on. It is cold out there’. Don’t practice saying; ‘well, if its ok with Alex’s mum, it’s OK with me’.
This is how to tell if you are ready.