To cut a long story short...

...we lost the baby. If this sounds matter-of-fact its because there is no other way to say it. I feel I need to write down what happened before I can get on with life and the next stage - whatever that may be!! I also feel I need to make a note of dates, times and information gathered in case they are needed in the future.

Scan was due Friday morning. Tuesday I actually started to feel human again and decided to clean through the house; which I did, getting a good sweat on. On Wednesday I felt a bit flat and then in the afternoon started to spot. I had sat at the computer for a while and so I put the period pains down to this and had a sleep for a while. However, when I woke up, I still felt bad and I was still spotting when I went to the toilet.

I rang my GP surgery and spoke to Dr T who told me it was normal. I rang my friend who I knew had had some spotting during her preganancy. I rang the hospital and asked for the Maternity Unit. A Midwife also told me this was normal; especially as I had been doing a lot of moving about yesterday. She told me to put my feet up and rest. By this time both my mother and The Bull were at home. Both were a bit panicky but I felt better for talking to people about it.

Thursday morning I rang the GP Surgery again and Dr T agreed to see me at 10am. He took my blood pressure and felt my stomach and pelvic area but there was no pain. He told me to rest and wait for the scan in the morning. The Bull stayed off work and we watched 'Hot Fuzz' in the evening to try and keep our minds off it. I was truely scared.

Scan was due at 9.35am on Friday 17th August at the Antenatal Clinic on the ground floor of the Maternity Unit. We arrived about 8.30am and I told the booking in lady I had been bleeding. I was told the midwives did not actually start until 9am but I was called just after 9am. I don't really remember much other than that damn song 'Africa' going round my head as I lay on the bed. The Bull reached out for me as the nurse asked how much pain I had been having. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned to me and said 'There is nothing here to suggest a 12 week pregnancy'. We were then left for a while before being taken through to a Midwife. I cannot believe how calm I was. I think deep down I had known.

I was then given a more intimate scan which showed that the baby had been about 5 weeks when it stopped growing. I was also told that I had some kind of cyst on my ovary which would need to be looked at. I was then given the three options....(Own Accord,Tablet,ERPC) Blood was taken and then we left.

The weekend is really a blur after that. I rang a few people. I sent a couple of texts and a few emails. I was conscious of just letting everyone know as soon as possible before they had chance to ask 'How did it go?'

We got to Sunday evening and I had the period pain still but I also had a glass of wine so things were a bit blurry. I told The Bull to go to the Pub and I just sat watching TV; feeling nothing but numb and the odd twinge. When he returned from the pub I realised the pain had got worse so I took 2 pain killers I had been given when I had the UTI. When I woke up 4hrs later and read the packet I panicked as it said I should only have taken one. This was the least of my worries as when I went to the toilet I was doubled over in pain and the blood was everywhere. I lay down on the floor and told The Bull to ring for an ambulance. Now, I hate hospitals, so he knew I was serious. I am not sure how long the Ambulance took - they said it could be up to 90mins - I think it took about 20mins. The two paramedics that came were great (joking about metronomes) and I was soon feeling better with the gas. After I started on the gas its all a bit of a fuzzy blur. It is good stuff but too much and you feel very weird. Found myself trying to be funny in A&E with the Junior Dr after he failed to get the IV into my arm the first time. 'A Levels were harder in my day' was what I think I said. But I was made to feel so much better by the nurse who said 'It must have been a Dibby one'.

I was then moved to Branston Ward (on the trolley) where a nice female Doctor examined me. I was then given a clean up and some paper knickers with what looked very much like a nappy. I then found myself in a room with my own toilet, but was told to 'go' into the receptical provided and advise the nurse when I had done so. (Poor Tricia who had to deal with me until she went off at 7am). This was not easy as I was attached to my IV and had to wheel it about. Dorothy took over. I still had the gas which helped a great deal but just after Tricia left it all became too much and I was given a morphine injection in my bum. I just thought she was going to inject my arm!! I think it was about this time another (young) male Doctor came and told me what was going to happen. He mentioned I may have to go to 'theatre'. Shortly thereafter I had a very bad panic attack (and then threw up) but Dorothy was very good and I soon felt a lot calmer; even more so once the morphine took effect. However, the side effect of loosing the pain was the nausea. I was given a shot via my IV to stop this. The Dr later returned with a nurse and a very bright light to examine me. I was reassured that I would not need to go to theatre as it had all come away. The clotting stopped about 12.30pm and I was finally allowed to leave about 4.30pm. I just had to face the terror of my mums stop-start driving through rush hour traffic.

Poor old Bull had to live through all this with me and with a slight hangover. He has certainly seen me at my worst now; paper knickers, plastic sheets..... At least he's prepared for when I'm 90!!

We had arranged to have a private Nuchal scan done on Tuesday (which has now come and gone) in Spilsby (£125). Website at: www.4dscanning.co.uk/

The letter I had drafted to HR stated my last day of work would be the 10th December (11th week before my EWC). I calculated if I took Ordinary Maternity Leave (26weeks) my date of return would be the 8th December 2008 (or 19th January 09). If I took Additional Maternity Leave (+26weeks) it would be the 15th June 2009 (23rd July). (I wasn't quite sure how Annual Leave fitted into all of this!). According to works policy; First 10 weeks of Maternity Leave you receive normal pay and for the subsequent 29weeks you receive lower rate of SMP (currently £108.85per week). Remaining 13weeks unpaid. Holidays continue to accrue at the contractual rate during your Maternity Leave.