Week Twenty / Twenty One

Congratulations – You’re Halfway!

You
May feel aches in your abdomen as the ligaments on either side of the uterus stretch as your baby grows.
Can feel the top of your growing uterus in your abdomen – it may reach to your belly button by now.
May still be a bit absent-minded.
Could notice some backache.
Might get occasional leg cramps.
Could be kept awake at night by your active baby.

Your baby
Measures about 16.4cm.
Is developing the nerves in the brain that serve the senses – sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch.
Is doing somersaults – making the most of the space before it gets too cramped in there!
Is developing eyebrows and lashes.
Is swallowing, getting the digestive system working.

from Your Pregnancy www.bounty.com

20 week scan (20w + 5days)

After the upset of losing Burt and then having a terrible cough / cold / headache and being told there was nothing I could do about it except "paracetamol and liquids" I was feeling rather ill when we arrived at the hospital. Luckily our appointment was early morning and the Christmas rush had yet to start so we made it in plenty of time!! However, as I felt so bad I ended up buying chocolate and orange juice to try and 'boost me up'. This had the opposite effect and just after she had started my scan I threw up. Apparently though it wasn't too bad, as she has had people actually throw up on her and I did make it into one of those cardboard hats!!

She asked us if we wanted to know the sex. This is a question I have been asked quite a bit over the past few weeks and I have been amazed at how some people think I was some kind of spoil sport for wanting to know the sex before!! I was pleased to find out that my brothers bridesmaid (a week behind me) also wants to know the sex. She mentioned being a control freak.....

Don't think I could stand the suspense of not knowing and its one less thing to think about on the day. Sophie’s mum and dad said that they did not want to know but then Sophie’s dad was convinced he saw ‘meat and 2 veg’ on the scan and told us they were having a boy. We were very surprised therefore when the text came naming Sophie!!

So I am lying there - feeling next to death but looking at life wiggly in front of me and inside me. Still can't get over how truly weird it all is!! That is going on inside me - scary!! And she simply goes through her checklist of things - checking all is well. I don't think I was really listening. I just wanted her to get to the end so I could say 'nothing wrong then?' But when she got to the genitalia....

As we left we sent a few texts; just been for the scan. It's a....... The Bulls brother rang and throughout the day we spoke to a lot of people. It is amazing that all but one got the correct answer Its A Boy!!!!

Love you, Kitten

Friday night / Saturday morning we lost our dear kitten. Burt had been a source of love and entertainment in our lives for over six years and he will be sadly missed.

Obviously it was an emotional weekend and so I decided to visit the Doctor tonight 'just to be sure'. I got to hear Baby's heartbeat and she said it was a strong one.

I am sure Burt is still somewhere about causing mischief and I hope where ever he is he knows he was deeply loved and our lives will be empty without him. He was always my kitten. I only wish he could have seen the baby himself.

How your baby is growing: 17-20 weeks

19 weeks today. Still worried about lack of movement - or lack of my ability to recognise it as movement.

http://www.nhs.uk/planners/pregnancycareplanner/pages/20weeks.aspx says:
The baby is now growing quickly. The body grows bigger so that the head and body are more in proportion and the baby doesn’t look so top heavy. The face begins to look much more human and the hair is beginning to grow as well as eyebrows and eyelashes. You will probably feel your baby move for the first time around now. At first you feel a fluttering or bubbling, or a very slight shifting movement, maybe a bit like indigestion. Later you can’t mistake the movements and you can even see the baby kicking about. Often you can guess which bump is a hand or a foot and so on.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4121411.stm
Week 18 - By this stage the foetus is moving around a lot - probably enough to be felt.
Week 19 - The foetus is now about 15-20cm long and weighs about 300g. Milk teeth have formed in the gums.

Beethoven’s Babies

Following on from my last blog (and boy, did I suffer for all that dancing!!) according to an article in The Times (October 11th 2008) a new study from psychologists at Brigham Young Uni. Utah, shows how strongly we are born wired for sound. Infants as young as 5 months know what sort of music they like and can distinguish it from duller stuff. Babies attention lasted about 4 seconds longer when Beethoven changed from happy to sad, or vice versa, reflecting heightened interest in the change of musical mood.

The study reinforces the idea that music lies at the centre of our mental foundations. Tests by Peter Hepper, a psychologist of Queens Uni. Belfast, have shown that musical memory begins in the womb. In 1989 he asked a group of women to watch Neighbours regularly during pregnancy but no other television soap. After birth the babies registered lower heart rates when the Neighbours theme was played, but themes from Coronation St and Eastenders had no effect.

Playing tunes to a baby bump also boosts mum’s morale, according to another new study reported in The Times. Taiwanese researchers who studied 236 expectant mothers found that playing them lullabies and birdsong for 30 minutes a day for a fortnight significantly reduced their levels of stress, anxiety and depression reports the Journal of Clinical Nursing.

Having a bump seriously impeeds your dancing!!!

18 weeks now and I have received my first Christmas card addressed to us and the bump. Last night was our annual scout Christmas dinner and it had been nearly 6weeks since I had seen some of the people there. Consequently, there was a lot of touching of the bump (not sure I like that) and comments on how large I am getting.

But I had a good night. Unfortunately, I was unable to dance as much as I would have liked. Firstly, I seemed to get out of breath quite quickly and also the size of the bump weighed quite heavy - not good when bouncing around to The Fratellis!! Luckily I was able to participate in a fair bit of table dancing - sitting at the table and waving my arms around. Oh, and I have a new party trick. Due to the increased size of my boobs I can pour a small bottle of wine into a glass without using my hands!!

Back to the music.....Over the last few weeks the baby has been exposed to a few nights of loud music - what with Toyah in Vampires Rock 2 weeks ago, and the Kaleidoscope Project last week (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=398089359). I am sure the baby will have already decided what kind of music it likes and doesn't like. The Bull is already talking about teaching it piano and, as he is currently studying for his Grade 8, fingers crossed it should be born with some form of musical ability - even if only being able to dance like its mother!!!

This week I went to the Doctors (again) - and got to hear the baby again - as I was worried that the pains from the other week had now gone. I suppose it was just anxiety about not feeling the baby move as yet. But then, there was an afternoon when I went for a lie down and I did feel something - whether or not it was baby, wind or indigestion I cannot be certain!! The Doctor (different to the last one) said that my buttock pain is probably related to my back and to watch myself in those areas. Oh dear, I forgot her advice when it came to dancing the night away...

And thanks Lynne for a lovely Baby Records Book.

17 weeks

Turns out it wasn't a urine infection after all.... The pains are certainly not as sharp as before but whether or not they are the baby moving or my body expanding I really don't know! I occasionally get a sharp pain if I move - could this be a kick? People keep saying it will initially feel like butterflies or wind but I can't say I have felt this. I do seem to be suffering with indigestion a little bit more than usual - though this wasn't helped by a McDonald's at Midnight last night!!

I wouldn't say that this is all a worry but after last time I am still finding it difficult to embrace the feeling of being pregnant - its as if at any moment someone is going to take it away from me and say "Sorry, its all a mistake". I went out on Thursday night and saw some people I had not seen for a while and so everyone was commenting on my size. Even one of the delivery drivers at work commented on my size this week and I can't say I like it at all. Its like I am gaining weight but I have nothing to show for it - I know there is a bump there but I still can't quite believe that it contains a baby that I will actually give birth to in about 5 months!!

Consequently, I still feel unable to really talk about what is happening / going to happen to friends and family. To talk or not to talk about it? I want to be able to have a normal conversation again without someone referring to the bump!!

The bump itself seems to have taken on a life of its own - what with people talking to and touching it and it actually having its own sense of tiredness - like when you've been to the gym and your legs and arms ache. After work I often get this sense of tiredness around my bump. I have had my contract at work extended til the end of January but I worry how large I will be by then and will I still be able to complete 3 days a week??

16 weeks

Thursday night I had a BodyShop Party at my house and, although not everyone came who I invited, there were enough to make it a nice evening - any more and I may have been too stressed!! Although I did think there was a little too much baby talk going on...... I felt fine-ish during the evening but was aware of feeling uncomfortable when I sat down too long or at a funny angle, and then I woke Friday morning with the period-like pains I have had over the last few weeks again. As I was off work I thought it better that I go and see the Dr just to be sure but first I had a look on the Internet: If you experience unexpected abdominal and pelvic pain during pregnancy, it's easy to worry. But whilst some pain may need medical attention, sometimes instances of pain are relatively harmless.

During the third or fourth month of pregnancy, women frequently get a sharp stabbing pain in their groin or to one side. It may come on at sudden intervals, might be worse if you suddenly get up, stretch or move and it might disappear then reappear a few days later. It can be really worrying to suddenly get pains like this, but usually it's due to the ligaments or muscles around your uterus in your pelvis stretch and thicken as they support your growing baby. Constipation, bloating and wind can also cause aches, pains and abdominal discomfort. Constipation is often caused by the pressure of your growing bump on your rectum, as well as hormones which are said to slow down the movement of food through your digestive system. These factors are also involved in bloating and wind too, with your growing uterus pressing on your intestines and causing wind. http://www.babyandpregnancy.co.uk/AbdominalPelvicPainPregnancy.html

Then I convinced myself I had symphysis publis dysfunction as the symptoms include:

Pain in your pubic area and groin.
Pain in the inside of your thighs.
Lower back and hip pain.
Pain when you walk, move or go up stairs.
A clicking sound that you can hear.
A feeling that your bones are grinding together.
Difficulty and pain when you try and open your legs.

However, the Dr seems to think it is a urine infection. So she has put me on a 5 day course of anti-biotics (Amoxicillin). Then I panicked (again) as I read the paperwork that came with the tablets and it said; 'only recommended during pregnancy where the benefits of the drug outweigh the possible hazards to the unborn baby.' Further searching on the Internet calmed my fears though.

Oh yes, and I was able to hear baby's heart beat again yesterday so once more feel calmer...

Calm before the storm.....?

For the last couple of days I have felt nearly normal. OK, so I am still very tired after work but other than that (and being the size of a cow) there is not a lot else to point to being pregnant. The period like pains I had at the weekend seem to have gone and there is nothing to indicate anything has gone wrong. I had a look at a number of on-line forums and apparently its quite normal:

It sounds to me like you've just moved properly into the second trimester which includes having lots of energy. The 'flutters' you've been feeling may have actually been your digestion - which is very common. I don't know if this is your first, but even if it's your second, you shouldn't feel 'real' movement until 16+ weeks. Do you have a doppler or could you borrow one from someone?

I'm on the same boat. I will be 14 weeks tomorrow, and I'm a little worried because my ms is gone and I feel better. It's ironic that one could find such reassurance from feeling ill 24/7.

That's the thing with pregnancy, you just can't stop worrying. Some days i feel very pregnant and others i don't. Some days i feels baby move loads and others i don't. That's the thing, you can't control it, so you just have to go with it. If there was anything really wrong i think we would all know about it, there would be real systems not just feelings.
http://community.babycentre.co.uk/talk/a526845/15_weeks_and_dont_feel_pregnant_anymore


I also asked some friends who know about these things. Their replies were as follows:

After 12 weeks most people feel normal. Make the most of it, it doesn't last! (mother of two - 8 and 11 years)

That's a good thing! Just wait, in the next couple of weeks it will be wiggling! (mother of 2 girls - one my god-daughter)

Hurrah! This is the blooming bit. Enjoy the next few weeks before the heart burn kicks in! You should have loads of energy now. (Sophie's mum)

Not quite loads of energy yet. But certainly getting better. Thanks for all the help. Its time to wait and see....

It's Official - I am the size of a (small) cow!!

Today I weighed myself and I am now a Stone heavier than pre-pregnancy weight!! To make matters worse my black work trousers finally gave up today. I was not using the button, but every time I knelt down at work the zip came down.... And yesterday was the first time I felt like joining the girls at Aqua fit but I could not get my cosy past my boobs.....

Nothing for it but to spend some money. As I said I have been very lucky as Sophie's mum gave me a bag of maternity clothes, but I ordered myself a cosy, a pair of black trousers and a black bra. I was lucky as the last bra I bought was too large for me - not any more - I am now the size the Beautiful South used to sing about - and it looks like they are only getting bigger....Shame they still feel less than sexy!!

Information. We Want Information....

I cannot get over how many bits of paper I have been given in the last few months. Everyone I see seems to have something else to give. Its a bit annoying (and slightly worrying) that a lot of the stuff seems to be sponsored by one company or another. I am also amazed at the number of information giving websites (again, usually produced by a company wanting to sell me something).

Another source of information has been the books that have been lent to me. Let me just say if you have any inclination to buy Myleene Klass’ My Bump and Me book – don’t – unless you want to feel really depressed about the life of a C list celebrity going to her obviously private appointments. "You don’t get that on the NHS" you’ll be shouting..….and another thing you don’t get on the NHS are free maternity clothes from M&S. Blame the hormones if you like but reading the book made me seriously hate her!!

I suppose the best source of information must be friends and family who have been through pregnancy and child birth themselves. Although I have already found a lot of them to be contradictory - 'Your hair will fall out', 'Your hair will be glossy'. 'You'll get spots', 'You'll have a glowing complexion'. I have already heard both sides of the Cesarean argument - it seems those who suffered an emergency C.Section are against, whereas those who had an elected one are certainly for. And I can see where they are coming from.

Too much information was received at the weekend (though the donation of maternity clothes was very much appreciated) when I finally made it to see Sophie. I knew that her mum had been in hospital for a week after the birth and I know there was a blood transfusion (or two) but hearing the details made me slightly queasy. Apparently she suffered a rare complaint where the placenta attaches itself to the inside of the womb and then does not come away when it should!! Stories of emergency bells being pushed and haemoraging blood everywhere and the tea and toast (which you get after the birth) going cold!!

Visit to the Midwife at 15weeks

Disappeared in my lunch hour to the GP surgery and it seemed I was the only one there! My 'official' midwife I was told is off sick (poorly shoulder) but should be back in the new year. Her cover - Becky - was really nice though.

She asked me how I was feeling. Well, other than the extreme tiredness, the snotty nose (mingled with blood), the sore buttocks, my dodgy knee, my painful boobs, the waking in the night and the difficulty sleeping, and the increased need for the toilet I am fine. And all of this is perfectly normal, so no need to worry!!

I asked about the period like pains I have from time to time at the mo and she said that was probably my pelvis moving into place - although I can't find any further info on the Internet about what exactly is happening physically....

She took my blood pressure (fine) and went through my blood results from the hospital (all good). Then she checked on the baby's heartbeat - which we could hear loud and clear so that was very reassuring! She also said to ignore the old wives tales of a quicker beat meaning a girl and a slower beat meaning a boy as all heartbeats are quick at this stage...

I asked about a C.Section - as mentioned by the consultant - but she said this would not be decided until about week 36. I will see her again at 25 weeks, but first my 20 week scan.

And as I left she gave me another lot of information.....

Sent a text to some family and friends to tell them about the heartbeat. Hairdresser replied she had just been for her 12 week scan and all was well. So, there are only 3 weeks between us!

Families....

When I met my friend Liz for a hot chocolate and cookie last week I briefly saw my cousin (on my Dads side) as I ran to the car. So, I thought it best that I send her an email and explain......She replied with a lovely email and her mum - my auntie - then rang in the evening. Anyway, I had assumed that my mum had told them the news - after all she had made such a big deal about when she could start telling folk she was to be a grandma But it turned out my mum had even seen my auntie a few weeks ago and had still not told her. I know she has been telling people I don't even know at her walking and singles group - Why not Dads family? I truly don't know!!

Spoke to mum later in the day and she said Auntie had now rang her and so she was going to ring the other auntie (my Dads sister).... Suddenly she wants to get involved with my Dads family. Was she waiting for them to contact her? It certainly looks that way. She said she had assumed I had told them via FaceBook etc...... Weird I think.

Anyway, although we have not seen 'the other side' since my uncles (Dads brother) birthday party in February and before that at my brothers wedding in December I think we may get to see some of them at Christmas. Also, I did mention my postponed birthday celebrations and my other cousin had already mentioned it to a few of the family. Perhaps babies bring people / families together? After all, the child will be a blood relative of 'the other side'. Auntie and the cousin who I emailed, were certainly interested in scans, dates etc. We shall see....

More Pain!!

Well, after a morning of feeling sick and nervous and having to force feed myself a snickers bar because I felt so ill, I finally made it into the Dentists waiting room - and then I made for the door. It was only The Bull dragging me along the corridor as they shouted my name that got me in the seat!! However, he was very nice (the dentist) - especially after I explained I was 14 weeks pregnant and felt like I was going to vomit any moment - though my checkup didn't seem to last as long as usual.... Did I mention it was at the right time - 2.30 = Tooth Hurty!!! (Ha Ha)Anyway, he said I should watch out for bleeding gums and should actually brush my teeth harder than usual. He also recommended using mouth wash to help with the plaque.

I sent a text to my friend / hairdresser to tell her. She is only a few weeks behind me which we only recently found out. Anyway, she said she is still suffering terribly with the morning sickness and said she threw up on her mum's front garden the other day, as she could not get her key in the lock quick enough!! Apparently, her mum was sick all the way through her 3 pregnancies - Oh my god!! And she supposed to be doing my hair in a few weeks - could be messy!

Halloween Part Two: Blood Test Results

Finally got the results of my blood test. I had those scars for days. I looked like some kind of addict or as if a vampire had got me!! The nurse had had trouble getting blood out of one arm and so both ended up being 'sucked.' She was really nice though, as she told me about her brothers wife who was older than me and expecting her first baby as well.

Had been a bit worried as even though I had sent my blood ‘Special Delivery' via the Post Office ('How much is it worth?' 'It's Blood' I replied) when I went on their website to track the package it just said Your item with reference ZV68***GB is currently progressing through our network more than a week after it was supposed to have arrived!!

Anyway, my probability for Downs is now 1 in 800 and for Edwards Syndrome is 1 in 50,000
Not sure I feel better or worse….

Saturday nights....

.....alright for puking!! So, I just about recover from the headache, go and see some friends for a Chinese Friday night but Saturday I just feel tired and then Saturday night I am throwing up for England. Not sure what caused it, but something definitely irritated my stomach. Got really fed up Sunday as felt I had done bugger-all all weekend (again) and it was really getting me down. We had tickets to see the James Taylor Quartet Saturday night and the Bull found someone in the Coop to go with (it was someone we knew, and they knew other people who were going). I was glad the tickets weren't wasted but staying in alone and puking is not really an exciting night!! Then The Bull had band practice Sunday which meant more time alone so I was really emotional by the time he got back and could only be consoled with two McChicken sandwiches.

Beginning to realise I should be eating less take-aways and more fruit and veg!!

So Sorry Sophie...

Today I was supposed to visit Blog Baby 9 but I woke up with the headache I went to bed with (and I don't mean The Bull). I seem to have been plagued with them off and on for a good few weeks but today's was the worst. I asked Sophie's mum what she suggested eating and sleeping - two things I seem to do a lot of at the moment. Unfortunately, neither seemed to help. According to the Internet http://www.babycentre.co.uk/ its my hormones (tell me something I don't know!) but they should decrease after the first trimester. It says to look at my lifestyle and perhaps I have been doing too much lately. The weekend was certainly exhausting with The Bulls brother and his wife here all weekend, kicking off with the party on the Friday, clearing up and shopping Saturday and then visiting Nanna and their mother on the Sunday and then back to work Monday and Tuesday with little rest. And then yesterday - looking at my diet - I did have a lot of sugary foods. Perhaps they contributed as well. I have taken a few paracetamols but I don't want to overdo it and I have listened to my relaxation tape but it has only lessened the pain. What I probably need is an early night and peace and quiet.

Will I have to suffer throughout my entire pregnancy? Probably not. For most women, pregnancy headaches tend to diminish and even disappear by the second trimester. Experts believe this is when the flood of hormones stabilises, and the body grows accustomed to its altered chemistry. Here's hoping...

Who ate all the children?

Halloween! Don't you just love it? Well, every year I say we are going to have a party and so this year we got one organised!! We invited close friends and their children for 'Trick or Treat' at 6pm and then fireworks afterwards. 8 children in total!! I was beginning to think that the tiredness was easing off - Knackered? Me? My first attempt at a children's party and I have not even given birth yet!!

The Bull went to town and created a 'Haunted House' in the garage - unfortunately, it was a bit too scarey for some of the younger children - so he had to then 'un-haunt' it to show it was only pretend! I get the feeling it was done more for him than for the children but I suppose thats what its all about. He certainly seemed to enjoy his part in the evenings preceedings!

What was good was the fact that the other parents helped me out (when they weren't commenting on the size of my belly!) My god-daughters mum organised the witches parts game - passing around bowls of goo while telling a story about a witch!! The Bulls sister served up the hot dogs and later in the evening her partner entertained the remaining 4 children with a board game; after my body had given up and all I could do was watch in amazement!! I could have murdered a drink but eventually overdosed on Haribo's which we are still finding about the house 4 days later!! Same time next year? We shall see?

12 weeks 6 days

As I am an older mother to be, we decided to go private to have a Nuchal Translucency Scan with Nasal Bone Measurement and associated blood test. This tests for the probability of Downs, Edwards, Pataus and Turners Syndrome.

I was able to get the blood test done at my GP surgery on Wednesday - sending the package special delivery to Leeds straight after - and then had the scan yesterday. We arrived on time to find the lady who was before us walking around as the baby was not in position. She was having a 4D scan prior to birth. The Dr later told us that she already has 7 daughters and this one is also a girl! As well as that she has a sister who also has 7 daughters!! By the time she had finished I was bursting for the toilet and after a short while - as with my booking scan - the Dr asked if I would empty my bladder. After this the baby was still in the wrong position and so this time it was me having to walk around to see if 'he' would change position!! Finally got a reading and the results showed that I am 4x less likely to have a baby with one of the syndromes than an average woman of my age. Hopefully, when these results are combined with the blood test there will be a more accurate reading - and fingers crossed an even smaller chance!!

The power of FaceBook!!

Well, we came home from the hospital and I wrote on my Facebook Page Joanne is expecting. Within the day I think all of my 'friends' knew and most had left comments. As I felt absolutely knackered after the morning I made sure I sent text messages to all important people so that no one felt that they had been ignored. I bet there is someone I have forgotten....

It was amazing how many people had guessed or in fact actually knew - the power of the secret!! When we went to The Bulls nan on Sunday, not only did she already knew but so did his mother and his sister. As I later wrote in a text to the Bulls brother; 'The Bull told his dad and said not to tell anyone, so he told the Bulls sister, who told mother who told nanna and now all of Lincoln know.' He replied; 'We heard from auntie retards next door neighbour who heard it from her hairdresser.' This made me laugh, then cry as it was pre-scan!!

Scan at 11 weeks and 5 days

Well after a night of hardly any sleep we battled through the morning traffic to arrive just about on time. As usual there was no official place to park so we left it in a 'space' and hoped for the best. We didn't have to wait long for our scan but it was the same room as last time so I immediately felt apprehensive - not to mention sick from the full bladder. She did a quick scan and said she could hear a heart beat but could I let some of my bladder out as it was obstructing her view of the baby? This I did gladly!! As the scan shows there are 2 arms, 2 legs and a head - and a heartbeat. She gave me a new due date - 7th May 2009.

It was really weird looking at the screen and realising that that was going on inside of me. I don't think that had ever really occurred to me before....

Next was a urine sample and then we were taken to the Community Midwives. This set of offices looked like they were hidden in a cupboard and as it was early in the morning there was a lot of rushing around trying to organise visits and I think there was a bit of trouble as they were trying to locate someone...... Anyway, finally got seen and had my medical history and my blood pressure taken. The midwife was really nice and put me at ease and went through all that would happen in the next few months. Filled in my patient records - which I have to keep with me - and went through what I needed to do next i.e. prescription exemption form and book in my 16 weeks check with the midwife at my GP practice (who it appears is off sick!).

Next we were taken to another midwife and saw the consultant (or his registrar). Luckily it wasn't anyone we have met before in the world of the cyst, but saying that he spent 20minutes telling me things I already knew about the cyst. The one thing that was new was that if I had a cesarean they could take my cyst out at the same time!!! He then discussed the Downs Test but as I had already mentioned I was going to go private, it was agreed that this was the best option (especially at my age!). Then came the blood letting.....four vials of blood for various tests to make sure I am healthy - its a bit late if I'm not!! And then, over 2 hours later, I was allowed to go home with a pile of paper that a number of trees (if not forests) died producing.....so, if you will excuse me, I have some reading to do!!

Blog Baby 9

Karen and John proud parents of Sophie born at 7.11pm on the 21st October 2008. 7lb 8oz.
And we were only having luch with them at the weekend. A whole week early!!
Congratulations!!!

How do I feel?

Scared....Petrified.....Tired...Knackered....Anxious....The list is never ending. The scan is tomorrow and I am not even sure if I feel pregnant (other than the continual nausea, the constipation, the headaches, being fat, feeling emotional and not forgetting the tiredness). I have had trouble sleeping over the last few days. I keep waking up - partly because I need the loo but then also just to stare into space for a while and worry.... I can't remember many of my dreams but I do remember being chased by Daleks over the weekend and it was a scary dream - not at all funny!! I have no idea what that means....

At least we got out at the weekend and went to visit a few people. Finally went to see my brother and his wife in their new house (they have been there nearly 3 months), then we popped in on The Bulls Nan and his mum was also there and then finally we had dinner at our friends who are due in a week. Consequently, although we have really tried this time NOT to talk about it we seemed to spend all Sunday doing nothing but!! Anyway, wish me luck for the morning.....

Stop Thinking, Start Living

This week I have had the chance to read a couple of self help books. The first one being Stop Thinking and Start Living by Richard Carlson (Harper Collins 2003).

Some of the gems included: If something doesn't exist in your mind, it doesn't exist in your reality and you are not affected by it. The only way to bring that reality back to yourself is to think about it again.

You can learn a great deal from your past, but you need not suffer because of it.

You don't find the light by studying in the dark.

Pay more attention to living and less to how you are doing.

Enjoy life rather than think about it.

The other book was Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn (Piatkus 2008) which although did not contain the gems as listed above, it did give a few insights into 'living in the moment' i.e. knowing what you are doing as you are actually doing it. Both to be recommended.

Aches or Pains - When should we worry?

Its been a weird few days. The Bull keeps asking me how I feel and whatever I tell him seems to worry him. I fluctuate between feeling really well and then really sick / knackered. Of course we are both worried after last time but I am trying not to read too much into every niggle I feel. To be honest I think most of the uncomfortable-ness is actually wind. At least I will know what real pain feels like if anything goes wrong this time!! And I am comforted by the words of Dr Dale who described babies as 'Parasites' - according to Wikipedia; Parasitism is a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species. The parasite benefits from a prolonged, close association with the host. A bit like Alien then....

I do seem to have been suffering from a lot of aches and pains this week but I think this is due to having 2 weeks off work and then returning to do 3 full days last week, then spending all weekend on the sofa before doing another 2 days. I think I need to do more exercise every day. I also need to cut down on the sugar intake - especially now the nausea has calmed down - I am getting too fat already. I went through my wardrobe today and could not believe how many things already don't fit. I don't intend to spend a lot on maternity clothes but it looks like I might have to start sooner rather than later....

One week to my scan. Mother asked if she could tell her bids this afternoon and was upset when I asked her to wait a week - can she not remember what happened last time? She has already told both her sisters (my aunties) and one rang last night to congratulate me. Again, I think its a bit too soon for them to be getting excited! The one who rang last night will be a granny in February and my cousin has already named their little girl. I told her I hoped there would be lots of Granny outings for both up and coming grand-children....

Family Affairs.....

Still struggling to keep upright most of the time. I seem to have got used to the nausea. Its the tiredness and the apathy that I am struggling with. Oh yes and my boobs feel like they are full of rocks now!!

This weekend I saw my mother for the first time in 6 weeks. I told my brother last Friday the news - chiefly because we went out with him and it came up in conversation. Anyway, I told him to tell mum, and so when she turned up I assumed she knew. But she didn't!!! She got all emotional and started to get carried away almost immediately, so I had to tell her to calm down. I did get her to take a basket of washing with her when she left though...

In the evening The Bulls dad came to watch the England game and while he was here, The Bulls brother rang and then his sister turned up as well. It was madness!! They were all mocking me because the wine was so nice and I could not have any - but as brother pointed out the baby will still have 'the genes'....... Later it got a bit heated as The Bull and his sister were discussing the parenting skills (or lack of) of their mother. Sister seemed to use this as an 'excuse' for not achieving as much as she should have but that's all it was - an excuse!!

One bonus this weekend is that Christmas seems to have been sorted already as we have been invited to my brothers for lunch. There will be 8 or 9 of us and there is talk of turkey and gammon!!

Back to Work.....

Went back to work yesterday, spurred on by the words of a friend who is due in a couple of weeks: Don’t really know if there is any advice I can give you.

I would say that keep in mind just because you miscarried last time does NOT mean it will happen again. As I am reaching the end of this journey (which people will probably take me as a bad person for saying I haven’t really enjoyed it!!) 9 months is a flippin long time!! Obviously it seems to have gone quickly looking back but with the toll it takes on your body, it’s a very long time.

You stumble from one symptom to another wondering if it’s normal. I’m sorry about you feeling sick – it is horrible (but normal remember!!). To be honest I have been sick all throughout and only last Friday, threw my guts up which isn’t easy to do with a big bump in the way. All you can do is try (I know it will be hard) to relax, take it easy when you need to and listen to your own body but don’t change your lifestyle completely, still be you.

Thanks - I think - but I did make it to work and do a full day and I survived - on a diet of ginger biscuits and juice!! Going back today and hopefully will make the full 3 days. Now they know I have decided to withdraw from my college course there is talk of me doing 5 days, but I have asked to remain on 3 days until my scan at least!!

Blog Baby 8

Emily Grace (Another Emily!) Born at 6.42pm on the 3rd October (10 days overdue). Weighing 6 pounds 15oz. Both doing very well. Well done Gill and Dave x x x

Scan at 7 weeks and 4 days

After all the trauma of last time we decided to pay for an early scan. We had booked it in for 8 weeks exactly (by my calculations) but after I came home ill from work on Wednesday we decided to go earlier. Thus we booked an appointment for Saturday morning. I was still quite nauseous. This was made worse by a dose of diarrhea which the Doctor felt I was actually making worse with my lucozade and banana habit!! Arrived early - and its very nice and only 5 mins down the road - and our concerns were quickly alleviated as the Doctor said almost immediately 'No need to worry. It all looks fine.' He measured the baby / blob at 1.12cm - almost nothing at all - and we got to hear a heartbeat. So, all looks well at the moment. Fingers crossed now for the 'official' scan in 3 weeks time.

As I had nearly 3 days off work last week I thought it was best being honest with them, so I rang the temping agency this morning and explained the situation. I am also contemplating whether or not to continue with my Teaching Assistant course as this may be the last year they do this particular syllabus and if I leave early I may have to start again from scratch next year........and always at the back of my mind is the thought; 'what if it all goes wrong?'

My boobs are like bowling balls!!

I started this Blog on Sunday 1st July 2007 when I was 6 weeks pregnant for the first time. I write this today and I am two days short of 7 weeks. Writing it down makes me feel slightly nervous - as if I have now cursed myself for the second time.

Have only told my gym buddy and her hubby so far. As I am not really speaking to my mother it will probably be after the scan before we tell her. As I said before, that was one of the biggest mistakes we made last time - telling her. This time we have certainly talked about it less between ourselves. We have decided to 'wait and see' what happens in the next few weeks, but at least I know what to look for this time and if anything happens I will be straight down the hospital and won't be fobbed off!! One thing is for sure - I cannot have time off sick because if I don't work I won't get paid. This will mean I won't have the excuse to sit on my arse doing nothing - which last time (I feel) led to the miscarriage taking such a long time to happen. By the look of my early blogs I made it to 7 and a half weeks before the morning sickness really got bad. However, by that time we have been told, the baby was probably already dead (told it was about 5 weeks when it stopped growing).

I have received my scan date and thankfully it is at 11 weeks this time. However, we are also going to see about a private scan at 8-9 weeks just to re-assure ourselves....

I certainly feel fitter than I did last time. I had just begun to loose the weight that I had put on. This is partly due to working in the library and moving about a lot during the day - instead of just sitting at a computer like last time - and I have been keeping quite fit over the summer. I also feel a lot more positive within myself and more settled.

That's my 'Things to do in my 40th year' list buggered.....

A Quote to Remember...

'Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.' - Mark Twain

Living Magically Newsletter 33

Whatever is happening in your life right now, remember that everything is always unfolding perfectly. In a loving Universe, how could it be otherwise? If anything is happening which you do not like, it is helping you clarify what you desire. And the Universe is guiding you to focus on what you desire and appreciate – so that you attract what you want into your life.

The basic tools of reality creation are simple. Putting them into practice is all about becoming more conscious – choosing thoughts that feel good, instead of repeating old habits of thought. Then we evolve our consciousness, and our reality shifts.

Here are three rules which I keep reminding myself about:
1) Focus on what you want, not on What Is – or what is wrong or missing. (Visualise your desire. Feel it. Expect it. And then it must be.)
2) Appreciate each and every moment. Think about anything that makes you feel good. Even when what you get is not what you want, remind yourself that this ‘contrast’ is helping you clarify what you want. Then focus on that instead!
3) Remember that the Universe is always on your side – and is knocking itself out to bring you the events and circumstances you want. All you have to do is get happy!

If you have three minutes to spare, check out this fun, uplifting U-Tube video – The Gratitude Dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9z2ELaBVJY

http://www.livingmagically.co.uk/

In My 40th Year.......

Nearing 40 makes you think about things…………….
A friend once told me – just after reaching 40 – that she felt life did begin. You begin to accept and understand you body and your life, and you stop worrying about all the crap like how you look compared to celebrities, and how well you have faired against your contemporaries.

I decided, as I think a lot of people do, to put together a list of things yet to be done in my life. This made me think about things that I have done in my life and so far I don't think I have been a complete failure!!

So - Things to Do in My 40th Year (This means I have still got time to add a few items to make it a round 40) :

1. Become the same weight I was at 30 for my 40th birthday!
2. Organise a naff 40th party and make everybody dance even though they don’t want to!!
3. Celebrate my 40th with lobster and champagne.
4. Finish one (if not all) of the 3 Novels I have started writing.
5. Have an article and / or short story published.
6. Give Colonic Irrigation a go.
7. Have my legs and bits waxed.
8. Be photographed in the nude in High Wycombe (after loosing the weight!).
9. See Otters in the wild on the Isle of Skye.
10. Have afternoon tea at the Ritz.
11. Grow my own vegetables and salad and actually eat them.
12. Visit Amsterdam and eat a ‘cake’.
13. Spend the night in a Haunted House.
14. Make lasagna from scratch and eat it!!
15. Spend a Night at Burgh Island a la Agatha Christie.
16. Become a ‘Prisoner’ in Port Merion.
17. Go skinny-dipping – possibly in a waterfall.
18. Have a swanky ‘spa’ bathroom with Jacuzzi and power shower without moving house!!
19. Get the garden sorted.
20. Have a real tattoo done somewhere on my body.
21. Take a Dance Class – Salsa or Rumba - or have some more Pole dancing lessons.
22. Go to a casino in England and play roulette.
23. Learn to totally Relax.
24. Attend a photography course.
25. Attain my Bronze Lifesaving Medallion.
26. Have a ride on the back of a motorbike.
27. Have another attempt at Rock climbing.
28. Go waterskiing.
29. Write a song and have it performed.
30. Learn to play the drums.
31. Run a 10K.
32. Get married
33. Learn to read the Tarot.
34. Complete a first aid course.
35. Host a refined dinner party and do all the cooking myself.
36. Complete a car maintenance course.
37. Help to save the planet.
38. Plan 50 things to do before I am 50….

Friends Reunited??

Last week – for some mad reason – procrastination possibly – I decided to set up a FaceBook page for my year at secondary school – chiefly because we will all be reaching a land mark age this year.

I was kinda prompted to do this by meeting with an old friend who I had not seen for about 12 years; as she left at the end of the 5th form and I stayed on to do my A levels. The two things she remembered about me were that I liked Bryan Adams (I think it would have been ‘Run to You’ - I did play it a lot!!) and that I had a lot of energy!! She didn’t help herself when she said I looked like my mother…...She did say though that me and my mother never really got on – even then!!

I also recently met up with another friend from school – one who I have seen within the last 5 years. Once upon a time I was very good friends with this one. While I was there another friend who I had just about been ‘best friends’ with rang…..I came home feeling a bit deflated after visiting someone with (it seemed) such a perfect life, family, house etc. I also wondered why it was that I was no longer in contact with the friend that phoned…..but I came to the conclusion that perhaps there is a reason we are no longer in contact…....and that is the way it should stay! Is there really any point dwelling on the past?

Have you read David Icke?

You really must. Forget the mad chap on the Wogan Show. This is serious stuff and as Oscar Wilde once said: "Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation"

Do It!! www.davidicke.com

Todays Quotes:

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." Albert Einstein.


After emerging from a cell measuring 7ft by 7ft, Nelson Mandela, President of South Africa, described how this had been his home for 18 years: "There were pleasant and unpleasant experiences" he said, "and it depends on how you look at the situation".

A bit of a dark cloud....

....descended for a while back there but I think I can see the light!! Today I have been having a bit of a brain clear out and have been looking through my 'relaxation' folder and reminding myself of the things that are important in this life.

My mother is still not speaking to me and I suppose she will be blaming me - and telling anyone who will listen that I did not invite her to a BarBQ we had a few weeks back - but it wasn't that kind of party, there were no other 'oldies' coming and she would have simply spent all night fawning over my brother (which I did say to her!) so no one would have enjoyed themselves!! As it turned out I managed to have a nice conversation with my sister-in-law at said BarBQ and it made me feel better about the whole 'mother' issue!! OK so a week later I was found crying on my brothers knee about said issue in the pub - but one to many wines and......

What I need to remind myself (again) is the need to take time out for myself and The Bull. Since being back in full time work I forgot about 'me' time and was trying to fill all the time with 'musts' and 'shoulds'. Today has been a bit me time, a bit should-time and a bit de-clutter time. And then tonight is to be a getting dressed up and going out with The Bull time......

NHS Reply to my Complaint....

I've had the reply to my letter for weeks now. I suppose I knew what they would say. I have carried it around with me trying to get the strength together to read it.... Dated 15th July they did investigate - with the time extension - in the time frame they gave me and I can't really complain (again) as they do seem to have investigated my concerns. The letter gives the impression that all persons involved were consulted in order to address my concerns - and offer an apology - so for that at least I am happy.

I don't suppose there is any use in replying anyway. Nothing more is going to happen and re-reading the letter and going over the events of the last year are not going to help anyone - and definitely not me!!

Do You Have A Clear Conscience?

Today I received this piece of advice from the Learn to Relax Newsletter http://www.the4thr.co.uk/news-66.html

People who live stress free tend to rely on their intuition and conscience much more than those who are perpetually stressed. Stressed people often do things that are based upon what other people will think of them rather than turning inward and making their conscience the ‘jury' they check against.

When a person is living with a clear conscience they tend to be in better health than their stressed counterpart because they're not carrying around all the mental baggage that's a by-product of living in conflict with the conscience.

The bottom line is that it may be possible to fool another person, but you can never fool yourself, so my tip for this month is this: Ask yourself whether all your dealings are congruent with your conscience. If they aren't, abandon them for the sake of your health (if nothing else!) because a universal law dictates that whatever you sow, you shall reap.

Now, take a deep breath....

I have got a job!! Bloody hell, how long has it been? Well, I finished my Teaching Assistant course on Tuesday morning - currently awaiting my results - and in the afternoon I returned to find a message on the answer machine saying 'was I interested in a job down the road and when could I start?' So far I have done 2 days and they were exhausting days but enjoyable. And at 7.50 an hour The Bull is very pleased!!

I did book myself in for acupuncture the day before I started. This was for two main reasons; obviously the start of a new job, but also this should be my most fertile weekend, so I asked for a bit of help. We shall wait and see what happens - probably be too tired!!!

One Year On....

It's one year since I started this Blog. If things had worked out I should now have a 4 month old baby. But I haven't!!! What has happened is that I have spent more time in hospital than ever before, I have left the full time job I had 12 months ago and I have started (and nearly finished) a Teaching Assistant Course - although am officially unemployed as I am claiming Job Seekers Allowance. I have had a number of major rows with my mother as I try to discover the meaning of family and deal with both the miscarriage and the death of my father, as well as see a number of friends get pregnant and have babies while I sit and watch. However, I can't say I am depressed at this moment in time. I feel the best I have felt in a long time - even before 'the trouble'. I feel quite healthy and happy with my lot and following the fiasco with my operation, me and the Bull have started to 'Scatter-bomb the area' so I have not completely given up hope!!

What was upsetting for a few days - more so for the Bull than me - was the news that the Bulls brother and his wife are pregnant and due early February - almost a year after I would have been due! The aim now is to catch them up.......

Ashes to Ashes....

At the weekend I went with the Bull to Grassington; mainly to attend the Grassington Festival. It is also the place where nearly 15 years ago we laid my dad's ashes. Being there didn't really make me feel any closer to him. As I said to the Bull, he didn't die there or even live there, it was just a place my mum chose to take his ashes as they had visited there together. I can't ever remember going there with my dad - though I probably did at some stage - so there isn't really any 'presence' to be felt.

It did lead to a conversation about where I would like my ashes taken and to be honest I said my back garden next to Burtie (who is happily still with us!)..... There isn't anywhere else I have been happier!!

Turning the Corner : Part 2

Today I decided to withdraw from my sessions with Psychological Therapies. In total I have had 7 sessions and I do feel I have benefited from them. However, as I wrote in my letter; I feel that I have almost turned that corner and perhaps it is time for me to continue alone and let someone else take up your valuable time.

In truth, I myself have now started to appreciate this 'Valuable time' - what with work, friends and family. My precious cat has been ill over the past few weeks - thankfully better now -and it concentrates your thoughts. My mother continues to be, well, my mother, and I am sad to say I had a bit of a fall out with her, but I do feel glad that I (finally) said the things I said. I am just upset with myself for letting it get to this stage. I hope she takes it on board. If not, I shall have to accept the relationship is never going to be anything other than what it has become....

Complaint Update!

The Complaints Department - or whatever they are officially called - rang me last week to get an extension on the date they promised to resolve my complaint by. The reason? My Consultant was on annual leave for three weeks and they are therefore unable to complete our investigation until they return. I told her this was the main reason for my complaint in the first place. She didn't quite see the irony. So now it will be the 23rd July before I hear anything - unless he decides to take more time off!!! The phrase used in the letter dates 20th June is: On this basis I would expect the process to be completed and a response posted to you on or before the 23rd July 2008.

3 weeks since my last post...

....is this a record of sorts? Not sure and I have not got time to check!! Anyway, I did send off a letter of complaint to the NHS about my treatment and they sent me back a standard reply to say they will look into it and get back to me before the 9th July so watch this space!! My letter basically gave them a run down of my recent history and then raised the following points:

1. I was given contradictory information by a member of Mr **s team. My partner and I had no reason to doubt what he told us - that the cyst could cause a miscarriage and / or complications - so we stopped trying for a baby.

2. Because of being given false information I have undergone an unnecessary procedure. Perhaps if we had been seen by Mr ** himself prior to the operation, he would have realised I did not actually need the operation.

3. My partner and I have suffered a huge amount of stress caused by; Having to attend the antenatal clinic on a number of occasions post miscarriage, The fear that getting pregnant could result in a further miscarriage, The thought of having an operation and a general anaesthetic; especially as my father had died during a routine operation, The lumps that appeared under the skin following the operation and led me to visit my GP on the 9th May (haematoma). The trauma of the miscarriage seems to be never ending. Since November I have been seeing a Community Mental Health Nurse approximately twice a month and all of this has done nothing to relieve the pressure.

4. I should like to also draw your attention to the fact that my outpatients’ appointments were in the same place (Maternity Unit) as where I had my 13 week scan and was told I had lost the baby. When a couple walked past with what was obviously their scan photo I could not help but cry. The doctor asked ‘Why are you upset?’ (October 2007). I find it distressing that women who have had miscarriages are seen in the same place as (and surrounded by) pregnant women. I was also upset that my doctor obviously did not know how and when the cyst was found.

5. We have had to finance travel expenses, car parking, petrol, and we have had to have time off work and college which we now know were unnecessary.

Well, it certainly says how we felt, so I shall see what they say in reply. Following the Op I did speak to a couple of solicitors with regards to claiming for Medical Negligence but apparently the NHS has to accept responsibility which they rarely do, but I shall feel better if they at least try and address the issues I have raised. I will - of course - keep the blog updated as to any developments.

The Procrastinators Guide to Success

Recently read The Procrastinators Guide to Success by Lynn Lively McGraw-Hill (1999)
Here are a few gems to think about;
You always have a choice, and that choice is to do something or do nothing.
Doing nothing is one of the most powerful choices you can make.
Do things right and you will have fewer things to do over.
Procrastination is all in your head. Projects aren’t ‘hard’ they are ‘interesting’
Seek new mind sets. Define yourself and your tasks differently.
Success means entering the Risk Zone. Things might go wrong or go right.
Push yourself: courage comes from within.
You get a second chance. Have the courage to take it.

Quote for Today...

Only those who dare to go too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
T. S. Elliott

From www.susanjeffers.com/home/quotes.cfm

I finally met my Consultant....

....and I was ready for him as had written out a list of questions to raise with him to make sure I got all the answers I need. His young trainee 'Felix' who I met just before my operation was with him and it seemed as if they were prepared for us......just about as soon as we sat down my Consultant said 'We were aware of your umbilical hernia'.

I asked him to look at the lumps that had appeared around my scar but was re-assured that they were normal - haematomas - and he then explained what actually happened during the operation. They attempted the laparoscopy - laterally - but felt it unwise to go on after they caught some muscle. My consultant again explained the reasons for a laparoscopy and we discussed the issues of pregnancy, miscarriage and fertility. It was agreed I would return in a year for another scan to check on its status; but for now it will be left alone....

I think I feel better; although I have been drafting a letter to send to the Chief Executive with regards to some of the issues that arose during my treatment.

Operation Update....

It's nearly two weeks since the operation - although should I say ‘Operation’ - as I didn’t actually have the laparoscopy I was supposed to have. To be honest I am not really sure what happened. I arrived at the hospital at 7.30am as requested and was shown to a bed in the day ward. Although there were 4 beds on the ward, luckily I was the only inhabitant the whole time I was there. Visits by two anesthetists – separately - who asked about family history, fillings etc. Asked about pre-med but was told as had not signed consent form could not have any. Also I was first on the list and having a pre-med would possibly change my place in the queue. Then visited by a female Dr who ran through what would happen and asked me to sign the consent form. She actually said ‘we will be going through your belly button’ to which I replied ‘I don’t have one’. (I had an umbilical hernia as a child). Although I have told everyone I have seen, this was the first time someone actually looked at it. However, she said this would be fine. As she was leaving I was then introduced to someone called Felix who asked me what was happening. As at this stage I knew no different I told him about the miscarriage and why I was advised to have the cyst removed. He didn’t really seem to know or understand much about my predicament and didn’t question or query my reasons (as I saw them) for having the operation. However, I don’t really know who he was.

Following the operation I remember waking in the recovery room and being confused as to the time. I had been told that my operation would only last half an hour and it was nearly two and a half hours later. The first thing I said (other than demanding more pain killers) was ‘Did everything go OK?’ I was told that the Doctor would come and discuss the operation with me. I was aware that I would not be let home unless I eat, drank and went to the toilet so I was drinking water as soon as I returned to the ward. I was actually very thirsty anyway. As soon as I could, I asked the nurse if I could go to the toilet and wanted to go to the one on the ward as opposed to using a commode. I managed to sit up with help but then came over all faint and had to lie back down. I then had what I believe was a panic attack but it may just have been the fact that I felt so faint. While this was happening my anesthetist walked past and my nurse asked him to come in. They checked my blood pressure and found that it was low. As he was leaving my anesthetist asked me how I was and then said in a jovial manner ‘It didn’t go according to plan then?’ The way he told the story was that when my consultant saw my umbilical hernia scar he was surprised at its existence.

I was more than a little upset to find out on the off chance that the operation had not gone according to plan – especially as the anesthetic said it was because of apparent lack of knowledge of my umbilical hernia. At this stage we asked to see the consultant for him to explain exactly what happened. The female Dr came to see us again after about 45minutes of us asking. She explained why they could not do the operation – because of the umbilical hernia. We further requested to see my consultant; although I did not know who he was when he did arrive as this was the first time I had met him; although I have been under him since my first referral in August / September 2007 (8months). I still wonder whether we would actually have seen him had we not demanded to see him following our conversation with the anesthetist.

He explained again why they could not do the hernia and told us that he did know about the hernia – which contradicted what the anesthetist had told us an hour or so prior. We asked with regards to the problems that the cyst could cause with regards to my fertility. He told us that it would have nothing to do with my fertility. He thought that we were having the cyst removed because of its size. We told him about what the previous Dr had said in his absence to which he replied ‘Did we say that?’ He then said that having the cyst removed could actually compromise my fertility, which totally contradicts what his associate had told us in February!!

Blog Baby 7

Email from Luke and Rachel in Saudi - Hope you are well? Just wanted to let you know that Rachel gave birth to a lovely little boy on the 20th April and we have called him Jasper.

Isn't he perfect?

Pre-Op Hospital Visit

Monday was my pre-op chat at the hospital. Blood, urine, heart, pulse etc. etc. Hated every minute of it!! I do hope I will be able to go through with the Op next Wednesday and don't do something stupid like faint or run off. I was really panicky on Monday and had to go to the toilet far too many times, but at least I could eat to boost up my strength. Good old emergency Snickers bar... Am not allowed to eat after midnight the day before my op. Water only until 6am on the morning of the Op.

It seems that I am 'fit for my op' and so next Wednesday I am to report to the ward at 7.30am and fingers crossed I could be out for tea time as it is a morning list. Just been reading the 'Information for Patients' leaflet and I can already feel the panic rising....

Turning the Corner

After many weeks of uncertainty in my life, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere. I have got myself a place on a Teaching Assistant Course and negotiated a morning in a local school. I have been and signed on, so hopefully should get my course paid for and some money coming in. I think I am feeling better about life in general...

Recently read The NLP Coach by Ian McDermott and Wendy Jago, Piatkus (2001) which was really just a positive thinking manual with longer words, but it did make a lot of sense.

Treating yourself as though you matter is the quickest way to help you feel that you do matter.

Once you stop thinking of yourself, your potential and your ways of operating as fixed and begin to treat them as processes, change becomes just another adjustment you can make.

It also made me analyse myself and how I appear to the world and how I want to appear. One thing the clairvoyant said when she came, was that I tend to put up a brick wall when it comes to my feelings. I always thought I was quite open with them, but recently I realise I talk about the facts of what happened rather than how I felt. I know I still have to deal with the emotions surrounding both the miscarriage and the death of my father. I have kept these at a distance but need to now bring them closer. Non-expression leads to Depression (Ian said) but each journey starts with a single step.....

Blog Baby 6

Message from proud father (bleeding lips Lancaster):
Well what an amazing Sunday we had. Church in the morning, baby in the afternoon and back for dinner. Well I was back for dinner. Had a mad dash from Ilminster at 4:45pm arriving at Musgrove Hospital at5:09 and Helen gave birth to James Elliott Lancaster at 5:11, barely had time to take her trousers off!!!! Oh yes the weight....... 2.5 stone I think.???... which is about 7.5lbs.

What does the future really hold?

Last night I organised a little party with three friends and a local clairvoyant www.susanwinter.co.uk/ Of course there were a number of things I wanted to know. She asked whether I was having 'treatment' which I think meant having the cyst removed. She says once that's done (she says 3months) everything will come fine. She sees a celebration in the Summer......Apparently she sees 3 children; a single birth and then twins. She sees a boy in there but they won't be all the same sex!

HAPPY EASTER!!

Can you believe it is snowing out there?

Off to build a snowman....

Have a wonderful day whoever and wherever you may be!!

Families

A few weeks ago we had a family birthday party for my uncle (my dad’s brother). One of the presents for my uncle was a framed set of photographs of himself and his family i.e. my dad, their sister and their parents. This was the first time I had seen a photograph of my grandparents. I was told that I must have met them while they were still alive but I can’t remember. It does state that my dad was born in 1936 which would have made him 72 this year.

Some of the family at the party I had not seen for seven years since the last celebration. For some of the family it was even longer. I was almost in tears when I saw the photograph of the grandparents especially as I was talking to my auntie and she dismissed my sadness at never having met them or having a copy of the photograph. But I think what I learnt is that even if my dad was still alive, it may still have been that we would not have seen the family. I’m not sure he got on with his sister and brother. I am on good terms with my cousin and I do hope to see more of her (and her family) in the future. But I have spent the years since my dad’s death mourning the lack of family, but actually there isn’t much there to start with. In the end, what actually is family?

The Motivated Mind

Recently read The Motivated Mind by Dr Raj Persaud, which I must admit was not what I expected from the title. The book ends with a discussion on suicide so I was a bit confused as to what the Dr wanted to say! However he did have something to say which I felt was aimed at me. He said that Perfectionists are plagued by self doubt (they dwell on their failures) which is counter productive. Because perfectionists urge themselves to the limits of endurance, they leave no spare capacity to cope with added stress from the environment. This leads to added strain and weariness. The terror of only middling accomplishment means that those who feel tired all the time perhaps avoid too much activity when trying to rest. Feeling tired all the time is a clue to having over pushed yourself for reasons to do with ambitions. Maniacal rushing is down to deep insecurities that will never be appeased by sheer effort, no matter how much is achieved. That sums me up to a tee at the moment!

So, (according to the good Dr.) I need to:
Stop looking for approval.
Don’t be afraid of failure. The fear of failure stops us succeeding.
Invest your energy in the right things. Prioritize!
Take a break!! Exercise!

Just because someone throws you a ball, doesn’t mean you have to catch it!

Who are you feeding?

In the March edition of Psychologies David Servan-Schreiber tells the following story:
A wise old Indian, explained to his grandson that within each of us there are two wolves locked in combat. One wolf represents anger, jealousy, pride, fear and shame; the other stands for gentleness, kindness, gratitude, hope, happiness and love. Anxiously, the small boy asks him: 'And which wolf is stronger, grandpa?' The old Indian replies, 'The one you feed.'

It's been a weird old week

Starting of course with Mothers Day on Sunday; which was really nice. The company was better than the food. My brothers wife and his father in law came along with me and my mum. Having only recently lost my brothers mother in law, I thought it might be a bit upsetting but we ended up talking and laughing about both her and my father.

Monday came around and by then I was 4 days late with my period so went and did a test which came back negative. Unfortunately, I then began to feel very sick and by tea time I was throwing up at hourly intervals. This lasted all through the night. This meant I spent Tuesday in bed and most of Wednesday, until I got my appetite back and had to drag myself to the shop for some chocolate's and crisps!! Thursday arrived and still no period so another test was purchased which also came back negative. Then started to worry as had a niggly pain that I had just about convinced myself to be a baby....

Consequently, I ended up in A&E seeing the On Call Dr. She was very good; took my blood pressure, temperature, pulse and checked my urine. A third negative test!! Left feeling better and went straight to the pub!! Note to self: Best time to go to A&E is 6.30pm - hardly anyone waiting and was straight in and out!!

Next morning rang the Gyne secretary and told her about my trip.....she looked through the appointments and has booked my operation in for the 30th April. Now I really have got something to worry about!!!

Bumps and Cracks...

The latest newsletter from Gill Edwards www.livingmagically.co.uk/ ends with these words: Listen to your heart, and trust in your emotions to tell you whether you’re moving towards your dreams and desires. If you feel bad, change how you are thinking about your situation - then the situation can change. (Sometimes this means getting angry for a while, as a first step towards self-empowerment and letting go.) Life can never be perfect in an evolving Universe. After all, it is the imperfections and contrast which help us to clarify what we want, and launch new futures. So we have to get used to the bumps and cracks in the road! But also remember that this is a magical Universe, which is designed to bring you everything your heart desires. As the song says: Don’t worry - be happy!

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

25th February / Visit to the Hospital

The 25th February was the date I had been given as my due date. It came and went without much of a fuss; although I am still quite teary. The trauma of the miscarriage seems to be never ending as the cyst is still there. Consequently I had another trip to the hospital last week. Where do I start? Well, I got there and again the consultant I had been referred to see was not there. This time he was on his holiday. The Doctor who I did see I could not understand him. I am conscious here of trying desperately NOT to sound racist but the truth of the matter is that I could hardly understand a word he said, and could definitely not read the notes he was writing in my file. I came out in tears. A nurse however, asked me to step into a quiet room and asked me what the matter was. She then went back to the Dr and asked him to clarify what he had said. This, I felt, wasted so much time. How many more patients might have left without finding out what he had said / meant? Basically he gave me three options: wait and see for another 6 months, have a Laparoscopy (cut me open to look at my womb, tubes and ovaries) or a more invasive procedure to actually remove the cyst.

When I went to see the Consultant who was not there last time, I asked whether the cyst had any impact on trying for a baby. Then (October) she said it did not. This time however, when I asked the nurse to check, I was told that it reduces my chance of conception by 50% and also increases the likelihood of a miscarriage if the baby develops in that ovary. So for 4 months I have thought they didn’t really have anything to do with each other and now I am told the cyst has a lot to do with pregnancy!! Upset? Stressed? Me?

I have opted for the Laparoscopy. The waiting list is about 3 months and I should get a date in the next 4-6 weeks.

Todays Quote:

When God closes a door, he opens a window. We may have to break our backs to finding the window, but its out there, so keep looking.
Kate O’Hearn (Author) Writing Magazine: March 2008

Blog Baby 4 & 5

Paul, Beth and Ruben are delighted to welcome safely to the world Benjamin Paul Vella.
Born 24th January at 8:42am, weighing 3.4kg / 7lb 8oz.
Mother, babe, brother and dad all doing very well!

Brendan and Sarah sent me a text on the 2nd February re: Declan born 8lb 12oz at 0024hrs.

Congratulations!!

Audrey Hepburn Quote:

Towards the end of her life, she was asked about her beauty secrets.
She replied:
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run its fingers through it once a day.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.

(from February's edition of Psychologies see: www.psychologies.co.uk)

Hello Again!

Today I had to go back to have a re-scan on my cyst to see if it had got any bigger. The scanner (not sure what her title would be) was the poor lady who had to tell us that the baby had died 4 months ago. I ended up having two scans. One external and one internal to check on the status of the cyst, so this was not the best afternoon I have had this year.

When I got home there was a message on the answer-machine telling me that my brothers wedding photograph was in the Echo tonight. No question of how I got on at the hospital. As usual, little old me gets forgotten once golden b*****ks is about. Can’t say I’m not used to it, but being tired and emotional on my return from the hospital I was reduced to tears (again). I think I might know where to start in my session with Ian on Monday.....

As for the result, I will have to wait and see my GP in about 10 days to see whether or not I need to be referred to a Gynecologist.