Back to the Gym

12 weeks to the wedding (my brothers, not mine) and a little red top to fit into....During the past three months I have gained approximately a stone - eating for two - and I feel I need to shift it.
Also, after the weekend and the hangover, it is also time to start to get healthy again - especially if anything is going to happen.....So, last night me and my gym buddy went back to the gym at the top of our road where we used to go before we joined one of the larger (and more expensive) ones. An hour of Spinning and my bum is sore this morning but I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the loud music and the sweating!! This morning I got up and went for a 25minute walk which I hope to do everyday - unless I can persuade myself back into a swimming cosy in the near future! Hopefully this means I am back in 'The Zone'.

Is it time to try again?

In amongst all this talking I had a visit from the painters. My first period. It was scary at first – more blood – and I am sure it was worse than usual, but at least my body seems to be getting back to normality again. This meant I was able to work out (based on the average from before) when I am due again and when (theoretically) I should be ovulating. I feel quite scared. Am I ready to go through it all again? Am I ready physically and / or mentally? We shall see.....

All Talked Out

Saturday night we went to see some friends and of course we ended up talking about ‘the trouble’. We had also been to see some other friends on Wednesday night and a similar time was had. Saturday night however, turned into Sunday morning and then Sunday was ruined because I was so tired and hung-over. What a waste! Decided there and then (about 5pm actually) that I needed to give up on the alcohol, start being healthy again and to end all this talking. I feel I need a rest from it all this week so I am going to limit my social activities and try to concentrate on being relaxed and healthy.

Work Issues

Work rang after the weekend as ‘someone’ had mentioned to Human Resources that I had been in and cleared my desk (on the way to meet my writing buddies). Looking back it seems perhaps it was a daft thing to do, but at the time I was just embarrassed that someone was doing my work surrounded by my possessions. I just felt so stupid having so much ‘stuff’ at work. I also thought it would mean when I got back I could start with a clean slate. I am not sure if that makes sense but when they rang I got quite upset about it all.

I am not sure how I feel towards work at the moment. This was the first time Human Resources had rang me since I have been off sick (12th July). The Occupational Nurse rang once (30th August) and left a message to say could I ring her back, but then stumbled and said she didn’t actually know what number she was on so she would ring me again in two weeks!! This she did (13th September) and I had to explain everything that had happened which of course upset me quite a bit. As for my supervisor who I once saw as a friend, I have not heard from her since she mentioned part time. I did say I would go and see her but then didn’t feel up to it. That was the 8th September and I have not heard anything from her since. A text message might have been nice….

Out and out again….

The Friday after I had been to the Doctors I went for a meal in town with my gym buddy and her sister. This was one of the reasons I mentioned ‘going out’ and being seen to my Doctor the day before. I can honestly say that all night all we talked about was doom and gloom but I really did have an enjoyable evening. It’s probably what I have said before ‘Bad news breeds bad news’ but I think we all benefited from it. Their dad has recently been in a car accident, their niece suffered a fractured skull two weeks ago when she was hit by a car, and their mother has recently had major heart surgery. Oh yes and there is a history of ‘the trouble’ within the women in their family. It was nice to talk about all these upsets and still have a laugh.

Then Saturday I drove to meet some of my writing buddies which took me about 45minutes. It was certainly nice to talk about something other than 'the trouble' and to hear some of the pieces they have been working on in the few months since I saw them last. I was hoping it would stir up the muse in me but so far it has just got me searching the Internet and writing lists of things to do.

Tuesday was the first time I met up with anyone from work, when I went to see a friend who has just had a baby (Blog Baby 3) with another work colleague. It was quite upsetting with the baby and all and I didn’t want to hold her. It turns out at work they think I am depressed. I am not sure if I like that…..

Doctors Appointment 6 / Hospital Visit 3

Over a week ago now I went to the Doctor and told her how bad I felt about being off work. I also mentioned that as I was feeling better I was starting to go out more and I was worried if people saw me. She reassured me and said that it was good I was beginning to get out and I should not worry about it. She emphasised I had to concentrate on getting myself better before I thought about work again.

Friday just gone and I had an appointment at the Ultrasound Clinic to have another look at the cyst that they found at my 13 week scan. (Hey, you don’t have a baby, but what we can offer you in its place is…..). I had to have a full bladder again and I was in agony by the time they were ready for me – only 20 mins late which I thought was good – and it turns out I have a 6cm cyst on my left ovary. I have been referred to the consultant to discuss my options. Trouble was when I got back home I started to look on the Internet and got myself in a right old state about operations and general anesthetic etc.

Hugs from Heaven

Came across this poem in the Lincolnshire Echo.
The Tragedy: A number of local children drowned when their car plunged into the river.

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.
If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They’ve added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.
If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.
If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird’s chirping song
It’s music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.
If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.
So keep the joy in your heart
If you’re lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend. by Charlotte Anselmo

GrannyGate

Following on from Channel 5, was the story and especially the article in the Daily Mirror (19th September) about Stephen Ireland – Manchester City midfielder. He told his manager that his Grandma had died and he would have to miss an important game (Ireland Vs Czech Republic). However, said Granny was still alive so he said it was his other Granny. She too is still alive. The real reason behind his wanting to miss the game was that his girlfriend had suffered a miscarriage and he felt that this would not be taken seriously enough for him to be allowed to fly home to be with her.

As the article states; A miscarriage. The loss of a baby. Something that deeply affects anyone who’s ever gone through it but often seems to be regarded as little more than a passing inconvenience by those who haven’t. The article goes onto say it is an indictment of our game that an intelligent man like Ireland didn’t think a miscarriage would be accepted as a decent enough reason to miss a big match. So this footballer…spun a web of lies that turned him into a laughing stock at a time when he was at his most vulnerable……Then he was left out of City’s game against Aston Villa on Sunday and it was interpreted as a punishment. A punishment for a miscarriage.

The article ends who knows what’ll happen the next time a footballers wife has a miscarriage? Who knows whether he’ll have the confidence to say he needs some time out to try to deal with it? What he won’t say is that his gran just died. The greater danger is, he won’t say anything at all.

Losing a Baby on Channel 5

This morning there was a Wright Stuff special look at what it's like to lose a baby before term. Around a quarter of a million pregnancies end in miscarriage in the UK each year - that's one in four. Yet it's a subject rarely talked about. Why the taboo, I wonder? Well, we'll be finding out this morning and talking to women and their partners about what it's like to lose their unborn child. How do you cope? How does the loss affect your relationship? And can you ever move on? Does it make a difference if you lose your baby early on compared to much later in your pregnancy, I wonder?

The website gave some good links including one organisation I had not heard of http://www.babyloss-awareness.org/ The site states:
People whose lives have been touched by the loss of a baby during pregnancy or just after birth are uniting with others across the UK to show their support for the Baby Loss Awareness campaign 2007, which focuses on International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15th. As in previous years, we are encouraging a number of Wave of Light and other events across the UK.

Hospital Visit

I feel totally exhausted. This morning I had an appointment with the Psychology Department but before then I had been asked to pop back to Branston Ward to sign a consent form from when I was in hospital. What I did not realise until I got there was that this form was to give permission for the hospital to cremate the remains. Part of the form was as follows: I..............(insert name of mother) which was a bit upsetting to say the least. I was told that a mass cremation takes place every third Wednesday of the month. As always the staff were wonderful.

So, before I even get to the Psychology Dept. I am in tears. But Sharon was nice and just asked me to tell her what had happened. What is weird is that the hour went by so quickly and now I cannot really remember what I said. I know we discussed 'the trouble', me leaving work - which she felt was a good move - and we also discussed the forthcoming wedding and how I would feel without my Dad there, but other than that it is a mystery. I came away exhausted but felt a lot better - as if things were beginning to get better somehow. Perhaps out of bad can come good. Perhaps the experience will make me a better person. We shall see!!!

What Next - Part One

After the scan (but before the actual miscarriage and time in hospital) I was given a leaflet from
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ entitled; 'We Are Sorry That You Had A Miscarriage'. This leaflet was hard to read on the day but looking at it today - 3 weeks after the actual miscarriage - it is easier to take in and I am thankful for the information it gives. My only real thought now is 'What Next?'

I feel I am nearly back to my old self, and although we did not make it to Somerset this weekend; which is where we were going before (as The Bull calls it) 'The Trouble', I do feel I am finally getting back on top of the house and emails, text messages etc. But as to what the next few months hold, I really don't know. I am hoping after seeing both a Psychologist and my Dr this week that I will be able to make some sense of what I have been through and start looking towards the future.

Blog Baby 3

Megan Elizabeth born 8.55pm on 6th September after 17 hours of labour. Weighing 8lb. Congratulations to Sarah and Simon.

Bad News Only Breeds More Bad News

Obviously, after telling a few people I was expecting, I then had to tell them I wasn't anymore...

Some of the responses I received:-
I am so sorry for you to go through this! It must be really distressing. To be honest I'm not having a great time myself. I've just been through investigative operation to find out my fallopian tubes are blocked. ... feel very dispondent at the moment. (L)

Am so sorry about the baby I know what you are going through as the same thing happened to me. I went for a scan at 12 weeks & my baby had died at 6 weeks so if you need to talk you know where I am. It happened to my sister to & now she has 2 children if that's any comfort. (S)

Hi guys - so sorry to hear that news. If it's any consellation I know what you are going through - not that it makes it any better! It's a terrible thing to happen - hope you're feeling a bit better about things soon. The same thing more or less happened to us at the scan....and it's just pants. Keep trying though - there is hope - just look at us?? (C)

Sorry to hear about the news. We lost a baby last August at 11 weeks old.. If you want 2 chat u know where i am. Take care thinking of u. (L)

But then, re-reading the messages, perhaps its not all bad news after all.....

Pregnant – and terrified

And then, in the same Times Supplement there is a letter from a 22 year old who says she is terrified of being pregnant. ..the shift in thinking and coping that is required is huge, and anxiety and depression become coping mechanisms at a time when there is psychological and emotional overload.

Tokophobia is the fear of pregnancy and childbirth. It is a recognized psychological state that is underpinned by anxious beliefs that distort and skew the mother-to-be’s experience in a very frightening and negative direction.

I suggest (Dr Tanya Byron says) that you be open with those you love about how you are feeling and help them to understand all the factors involved. Then, with their help, find other avenues of support so you can slowly challenge your negative self beliefs, learn ways of managing your anxiety feelings, and so begin to feel in control.
www.timesonline.co.uk/alphamummy

Coincidence?

So there I am – in hospital – having my miscarriage – and The Bull goes to get some snacks and a paper. The supplement in the Times (times2 Monday August 20 2007) is entitled; No thanks! Why life without children is a good choice. Corinne Maier (French) has written a book called No Kid:40 reasons not to have children.

Children are there to stop you enjoying yourself she says. I certainly agree with one point she makes: People who do not have children should not be called Childless they should be called Child Free.

So, some of the reasons not to have children;
Childbirth is torture,
You will become a mobile feeding bottle,
You will struggle to continue having fun yourself,
You will lose touch with your friends,
You will have to learn a language of idiots to communicate with your children,
Your children will kill your desire,
Children sound the death knell of the couple,
Having children is conformist,
Children are expensive,
When a child appears, the father disappears,
There are already too many children on the planet.
DISCUSS….

Sex Matters

Last time, I continued drinking - to a lesser extent - while we were trying. Well, I had been on the Internet and found an article entitled; ‘Choosing Your Baby’s Sex: The Folklore’ at www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/naming/choosingsexfolklore/ and this said that you were more likely to conceive a boy if you drank red wine. Well, that’s how I read it anyway!! It also said to conceive a boy you need to eat salty food, plenty of meat, fish, white flour, pasta, fresh fruit, vegs but avoid milk and dairy products such as yoghurt and cheese, nuts, chocolate, shellfish and whole meal bread. Why? It doesn’t say!! It did say however, that having sex on the day of ovulation (avoiding sex the week before to keep the sperm count high) would be more likely to produce a boy as male sperm are thought to swim faster and reach the egg first. It also said ‘deep penetration’ sex such as doggy style would be more likely to produce a boy….

Fertility Matters

www.CAREfertility.com
The first IVF baby was born in 1978 and the science surrounding fertility healthcare has advanced incredibly quickly since. So says ays the literature from CARE. It goes onto say;
The process of reproduction is a highly complex one and any disruption can lead to infertility. However, whilst around one in 6 couples experience difficulty in achieving pregnancy, with help almost 90% of them can realize their dream of starting a family. Treatments are discussed such as ovulation induction, Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI), In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). There were other procedures listed but these seemed even more like science fiction!! We also received information on the risks associated with Multiple Pregnancies and Births which I had not thought of before. Reading the literature given prior to and at our consultation, looking back it is no wonder I had a panic attack in the office. Not just thinking about the possible surgical implications but also the monetary ones!! (Our standard consultation was £140 plus £75 for a semen assessment. IVF was stated as being £2300). Added to that is that fact that; although CARE has a higher than average success rate, we were still looking at only a 21.1% for CARE or 18.3% National Average success rate (Live Births) for someone of my age (IVF&ICSI). www.hfea.gov.uk

Following Dales Semen assessment, our consultation was with Mr Ken Dowell (FRCOG Consultant Gynaecologist) who has many years experience in infertility diagnosis and treatment. He is particularly experienced in the diagnosis and management of male factor infertility, including surgical sperm recovery it says here…

Following the traumatic consultation (I had a panic attack), The Bull however, was on hand to remember the key points i.e. that he was ‘hung like a bull’ which, to be honest I am sure the Doctor did not say in quite so many words…..

We received a copy of the letter that Ken sent to our GP which generally stated that we were both healthy and there was no real reason why we had not conceived so far. To see what we had discussed in black and white was a shock and I was quite upset when I read it. I think it was the fear of further examination to see if my tubes were blocked. Again this was a procedure they could undertake at Nottingham (laparoscopy) – although they stated that because I had no belly button it would probably be easier if I arranged an ultra sound (HyCoSy tubal assessment - £300).

But then, after all that, I actually fell pregnant approximately one month after the consultation. Thereby negating any further visits. I at least proved that I could get pregnant. What happens next remains to be seen.....

Our Biggest Mistake

Looking back over the last year or so, I believe our biggest mistake was telling my mother and brother that we had started trying for a baby. Up until the day when I told her we were pregnant, I had never seen my mother quite so excited (and tearful). Now I wish I had never mentioned it. Initially this was because she started telling stories about her and my dad and how they tried for two years – way too much information - but I believe now it only added more stress every month when nothing had happened....

You start something like this and it is like carrying a huge secret around with you. You want to ask questions of your friends who have children but you know that would lead down a one way road. Then there was the issue of what if it did not happen. The Bull was adamant he didn’t want people knowing in case he was a jaffa! Now people will shy away from ever mentioning the subject again. I am not sure whether this is a good or bad thing....

We did visit the Dr very early on but other than a discussion about folic acid there was not much she could really say. We visited her again in March 2007 when we were referred to CARE in Nottingham. I then had a FSH blood test done prior to this appointment as requested.