Stumbling on Happiness 2

Daniel Gilbert also highlights studies regarding the joy of children. Couples generally start out quite happy in their marriages and then become progressively less satisfied over the course of their lives together, getting close to their original levels of satisfaction only when their children leave home (Walker 'Some variations in Marital Satisfaction' in Equalities in Family Life, ed. Chester and Peel, 1977). This pattern of satisfaction over the life cycle describes women better than men. Careful studies of how women feel as they go about their daily activities show that they are less happy when taking care of their children than when eating, exercising, shopping, napping, or watching TV (Kahneman et al 'A Survey Method for Characterizing Daily Life Experience, Science, 2004). Indeed, looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing housework.

Stumbling on Happiness

Just finished reading Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert this morning, which read a bit like HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy but was oh-so-much-more deep, as it discussed scientific studies regarding the emotions 'Happiness'. Early on in the book, he states: Anxiety and planning are intimately connected to thinking about the future. We feel anxiety when we anticipate that something bad will happen, and we plan by imagining how our actions will unfold over time. Planning requires that we peer into our futures, and anxiety is one of the reactions we may have when we do.

He also arues against comparing the present or the future with your past, and emphasises comparing with the possible instead.

What did the book conclude? When we imagine future circumstances, we fill in details that won't really come to pass and leave out details that will. When we imagine future feelings, we find it impossible to ignore what we are feeling now and impossible to recognize how we will think about the things that happen later.

So is it back to simply; Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!!

What shall we do with the extra hour?

I know, lets go to mass! My brother and his soon-to-be wife (just over 7 weeks now) have been attending Mass on a regular basis pre-wedding, so The Bull and I decided to join them yesterday. It was the first time I had been to the church (or a catholic service) since my fathers funeral 14 years ago. It was not at all how I remembered it. I had always imagined it to be a lot darker and bigger and more imposing. Yesterday it was light and airy and had a nicer feel to the one I remember. The Bull even took his coat off because he got too warm! I certainly feel better about attending the wedding service now. It won't be quite so scarey or intimidating. Who knows? I might go again before the wedding....

Bats!!

It's nearly Halloween and as part of my mum-to-be (maybe oneday) training, I took my surrogate child - she even looked like me with blonde hair and blue eyes - to Whisby Nature Reserve to learn about Bats, make a scarey hat and build a Bat Box!

It struck me during the day; surrounded by the mothers and their children, what a real job it is to be a mother - all that banging with a hammer and not being able to just give up when you want (or when you bang your hand!) as you have a small person watching - and perhaps even learning from you!

Memories...

light the corners of my mind...

Nothing to envy now. Carol died on Wednesday night. The anniversary of my dads death. Not more I can say really....

I chose this day to write a short note to my Psychologist to say I would not be going again. The sessions I attended I think I did gain something from, but I feel it is down to me now. She suggested during the time I saw her to write a letter to my dad about what I remembered from the day he died. It was amazing what I had forgotten, but was it really a good thing to remember? I do feel I have gained something from starting this blog (similar to the letter exercise) as it has made me think about what I write - and why! It has also led me to think more about other peoples feelings. Certainly after what I went through, it has shown you never really know what other people are themselves going through at any time.

Feeling Better Thanks

I think the weekend really did some good, and then I went to Spinning on Monday night (have not weighed myself yet this week) and then yesterday went back to Accupuncture for the first time since 'the trouble'. Nadine talked about blockages and blood (which was nice) but I must say I really felt the benefit of it - although the needles have never previously hurt that much - and when I got back from the clinic, I slept like a baby!! Got up this morning and went for a walk. It was bloody cold, but I suppose it is only going to get colder....

The only bad thing about today is that it is 14 years since my dad died. Don't really know what to add to that statement. It still hurts and the family (mum and brother) have never really talked about it. Too painful to discuss perhaps, but it sometimes feels like we are not really a family; just related. This was emphasised to me last week when we went to see my brothers mother in law (to be). She has cancer and might not make the wedding. All her family have a closeness we have never had. It's probably a bit late for that now.....but I do envy them.

Non-Domestic Goddess Advice

While sorting out my 'Ideas' Folder (see: http://theonlyconsequence.blogspot.com/) I came across a piece of wisdom from the Non-Domestic Goddess (Daily Mail: 2007).
Someone had written in and asked; ‘I’m getting on a bit and worry that if I don’t have a child now, I never will – which I might regret. On the other hand, I just don’t know if I’m up to it. How can I tell?’

OK, here goes (comes the answer). First, smear mud and peanut butter and jam all over your hands and wipe them all over the walls, the curtains and the soft furnishings, as well as over your face, right into the hairline and beyond.
Make sure you are good and sticky all over. Next, get a slice of toast and stuff it into the DVD player while dragging the cat around by its tail, treading banana into the carpet and crayoning all over your new wood flooring.
Get up at least 27 times a night to swing a Moses basket and make soothing noises when though inside you are screaming ‘sleep, sleep, you b****** sleep!’ And take your breasts out in public. A lot. Even in front of your father-in-law.
Put a tea-towel on your partners head, pretend he is a shepherd in a nativity play, and clap rapturously even if he forgets his words and then cries and wets his pants. Practice saying ‘Put a jumper on. It is cold out there’. Don’t practice saying; ‘well, if its ok with Alex’s mum, it’s OK with me’.
This is how to tell if you are ready.

Weekend Report

Friday night was terrible! Went to see a friend from my old work who has just had a baby (Blog Baby 3) along with two other work collegues; and I so wish I hadn't. Firstly; because all we seemed to talk about was work and secondly (and most upsetting) two more girls who I worked with are preganant. Thank God I decided not to go back to work. Probably won't go visiting again in the near future as I found it all quite upsetting (and I ate too much pizza and felt really fat!).

Saturday and Sunday though were fantastic. Went for a nights stay near Matlock (Derbyshire)and although Saturday night and early Sunday morning were rather frosty, the weather held and we had a brilliant time! We set off on Sunday morning nice and early in the mist, to go and visit a place from our scouting youth in Cromford. We had a nice walk (about 2/3 miles) to find it run down and no longer used, but the memories were still there and we laughed all weekend about the usual rubbish; which in P.Diddys case is usually sex - or his lack of it!!

Ask Me How I Feel (again)?

I feel awful (thanks for asking). Period Number 2 has kicked in - and it being 'on time' is the only good thing about it. This time it started just like the miscarriage. A few spots of blood when I went to the toilet and nothing else. And then there were the tears! And then it really started!! And don't ask me about the headache! And don't forget the ache that I seem to have acquired after 38 years of near perfect skin.....

And then yesterday I had a disaster in the kitchen when I managed to smash 6 perfect eggs at once. Through the tears I was heard to say; Breaking eggs. It's the story of my life...

Bet you're glad you asked now - arn't you?

Ask Me How I Feel?

And I will say I don't really know.... Today I handed in my notice from my job. It was exactly 3 months yesterday since I was first signed off sick and I just can't see myself going back. I sent an email to a few 'select' people at work which said: Just a short note to let you all know, that today (Friday) I handed in my resignation from the FSC. It's not that I don't want / need a job, its just that I can't see myself making it back to Cargill in the near future (if at all).
Also, K is due the same week I would have been, and it would be too hard for me to deal with that everyday. My doctor was willing to sign me off for 'as long as it takes', but that would not be fair on the people that I have left behind. I don't intend to rush into another job and I am hoping to get something part time until I feel 100% back to my old self. Please keep in touch and let me know your news.
I think that says it all really.....

Tears and Pain

We cannot change the past or predict the future but we can notice what is happening around us right now, instead of living in our heads.

Friday and Saturday there were a lot of tears. I am not really sure where they all came from. They just kept welling up inside me. People kept asking 'What's the Matter?' and I could not put my finger on a specific. Just 'Everything'. However, Monday came around and I felt OK again; went for a long walk in the morning, and then made a spinning session later in the evening. However, had not lost anymore weight this week and actually gained a pound! Woke up this morning and feel very stiff from all the physical activity, but at least the tears have subsided...There are still a lot of things going on at the moment - in my head and physically - and so the tears were probably just a reaction to this.

Visiting Time

Went to visit a good friend – as in a friend who has been good to me – this morning, but came away thinking perhaps it had been all me and I had not listened as much as I had talked. It was easy to see she is suffering with an 8 week old who is not sleeping through the night (like her first) and is throwing up everything that he is fed.

This is what my friend had to say about 'the trouble' in a previous email:
All I can say is the less stress you put on yourself the better when trying to conceive and in the first 12 weeks. Also we lost our baby over a year ago it was about 11 weeks old we never got an explanation but they always say it is down to chromozones but luckily 3 months later I conceived again and went full term. Strange thing was or coincidence he was born on the day I lost our baby!!! It has taken me a while to come to terms with loosing our baby but we bought a willow tree ornament angel in memory of our baby and its on my mantlepiece with all my other willow tree ornaments representing all our family. I know its hard right now but it does get easier. Just give yourself time to grieve properly and don't rush into anything.

And then today my visit to the Psychologist was cancelled. Part of me was pleased, but part of me had really wanted a chat. I think this was because I didn’t get much of a chat yesterday (what with 2 young children about) . I don’t really want to bother those closest, as they have heard it all before. What is the problem I hear you ask? Simply that I am worried I am not getting any better, but fear I may be getting worse. I still feel mildly anxious a lot of the time. When I analyze this, my problem seems to be fear of illness i.e. fear of being ill. Fear of Miscarriage again? I am worried about a) getting pregnant and b) loosing it again. I am sure this is perfectly normal but it seems to cast a shadow over things at the moment.

Stressed Women 'more likely to have a baby girl'

An article in the Daily Mail at the weekend (Fiona MacRae: Science Reporter) highlighted research that showed Stressed mothers-to-be are more likely to have girls than boys. Results showed that those judged to be stressed were 5% more likely to have a girl than those deemed relaxed. The University of Aarhus in Denmark said it is unclear why stress skews the sex ratio, as the gender of a baby is determined by chromosomes in the fathers sperm. However, it is possible that high levels of stress hormones may make it more difficult for male embryos to implant and stressed women may be more likely to miscarry male babies. British fertility experts have warned that stress in the womb is linked to health problems in later life including high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes. Worrying during preganany may also stunt a child's intelligence. Interesting??

Hospital Visit 4

Today I had an appointment with the Consultant with regards to the results of my scan (see Hospital Visit 3). I was told, that as it was a 6cm 'simple' cyst it should not cause any problems. I was told to come back if I had any problems with it, but if not I would be seen again for another scan in 6 months to check on its progress. I also had a blood test to check on my hormone levels.

The Bull came with me to the hospital and the hardest part was the fact that it was in the same place (the Maternity Unit) as where I had my 13 week scan. I didn't think it would upset me, but when a couple walked past with what was obviously their scan photo I could not help but cry. When I went in to see the Consultant she asked if anything was wrong. I didn't have the strength to explain, but I though she might have realised.....We did ask if the cyst would in any way hinder another pregnancy, but we were assured that it should be fine.

Got home and sent Human Resources at work an email requesting clarification of when my sick pay finishes. I worked out last night I am in my 12th week, and on the day of my next Drs appointment it will be exactly 13 weeks!! I also asked about returning to work part time.

Back to the Gym - One week on..

Today I weighed myself and I have lost 3 pounds in a week!! Completed another hour of spinning and felt like I had lost another few pounds!! That is the good news.

The bad news is that when the Occupational Health nurse rang from work on Thursday she said the company stop paying me after 13 weeks….