I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance

Lee Ann Womack

Doctors Appointment (4)

Had a terrible day yesterday. Woke up feeling ok (though had been really tired Thursday night) but then during the morning I got a pain in my abdomen. I know it was the abdomen as I rang NHS Direct (0845 46 47) and she asked me to identify where it was. While on the phone to the nurse (after first answering the same questions with someone else!) I can honestly say I was really panicking for the first time. Although most of my answers were a NO (I don't have back pain, My legs feel OK, I am not clammy etc) I could still see where I might end up. I really didn't want to go to the hospital and this was the first thing I said to Dr Dale when I got there at 2.50pm; approx. 4 hours later. Dr Dale previously sent me to hospital when she suspected I had an eptopic pregnancy. That time it turned out to be 'only' a UTI - although it was painful enough. This time however, by the time I got to the Drs I had calmed down and so had the pain. Probably nothing to be worried about, but if I am still worried Monday she says to bring a urine sample in to be checked for an infection. All I can really do at the moment is hold tight until the scan on the 17th August and try not to think about why the time is dragging so slowly at the moment!!

Doctors Appointment (3)

Went to the Doctor yesterday morning as its been a week since she signed me off. She asked about how I felt (not good) and about my walking (once every other day) at the mo. Been signed off for another two weeks.

Feeling very bad about not being at work now, but everyone I tell just says I need to chill out and look after myself and not think about work. Its hard not to. I feel so sorry for poor old Matthew having to cover for me, Bella only just having started on the team, and Cathy is probably off sick as well by now. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I hope to be back once I have had the scan and know everything is OK. I have been assurred that once the scan is out of the way I should start to chill out myself, but also my body should begin to feel 'normal' again. I do hope so!!

It's Still Raining!!

Yes, its still raining! And yet The Bulls brother in Cheltenham is without running water. This is due to the floods down there and a local pumping station being submerged - thus infecting the water with sewage!! I can't help thinking of the mothers who may be due to give birth - what must they all be going through? Makes my nausea and tiredness feel so insignificant!!

Too Tired to Turn Over

Been lying on the settee with the remote control in one hand and a packet of ginger biscuits in the other.... First it was Dispatches: Undercover Mother and then it was I Hate Being a Mother discussed on The Wright Stuff. As if I wasn't worried enough!!!

The Wedding of Jo and Harvey

Last night we drove over to Gainsborough to go to Jo and Harvey’s wedding reception. Harvey is a school friend of The Bull. We had not seen them for ages and although we did not stay very long it was really nice to see them. The Bull told them both that he had got me ‘into trouble’. I think he felt better for actually having a conversation about it with someone other than me.

Jo and Harvey have twin boys. Jo dropped the bombshell last night that the older you are the more chance you have of conceiving twins!! And I thought it was just the cheese that was making me fat!!

Thank you Christopher Brookmyre

Quote from All Fun and Games:
Everyone talked about the joys and the hardships, but for most of the three years.......motherhood mainly consisted of gaping aeons of numbing tedium punctuated by sudden, heart-stopping moments of panic.

But later on in the book I began to feel a bit better when the head of MI5 is quoted as saying being a mother prepares you for being a spy: Being a mother instils a ruthlessness of mind, a linearity of purpose reports Bett. Don't you think all those years of playing a one-woman good-cop, bad-cop to get the little buggers to cooperate would make you adept at maintaining a deceit in order to procure what you need?

Doctors Appointment (2)

Doctors Appointment (1) being when we confessed the deed!!
After having nearly a week off work and after seeing my supervisor on Monday night I knew I had to get to the Doctors. She was really good, and as well as signing me off sick for a week, she suggested that I need to do more exercise. There was me panicking about being short of breath but basically it is because I have done nothing but sit on my arse for the past week. She asked how I had been sleeping and I told her 'OK, other than the nightmares'. These have contained a lot of blood lately. As The Bull pointed out this may have more to do with my TV viewing and my reading materials than anything else, so I have decided to reduce the violence in both. In the last few weeks I have read The Mermaids Singing by Val McDermid (not very pleasant at all but still a very good novel), The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld (Freud visits New York in the early 1900's) and I am currently in the middle of All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye by Christopher Brookmyre. I must also stop watching Dexter (about a serial killer) as the blood count and goryness seems to increase each week, but its one of the best things on TV (FX Channel on Sky) at the moment!!
Dr Allison suggested I go for two walks a day so me and The Bull went to The Centurion for a quick drink (mine was a cooling Summer Breeze) last night and mum is picking me up in 30mins for another walk. Hopefully these will begin to calm me down and give me back some of my lost energy. Watch this Space!!

Week 8 (and a Half)

God I feel such a hypocrite at the moment.
It is really the only thing I feel - that and an overpowering sense of tiredness (hence a week in-between blogs). I can just about get up before I have to get back down again at the moment. Once I have finished this blog I am sure I will have to have a long lie down to recover!!
This all started last week. I managed to get to Wednesday afternoon at work before my whole body just seemed to shut down. Every part of me has the feeling it is bruised and broken. Hence I rang in sick on Thursday. I know I am going to be in big trouble when I get back to work, but at the moment I am no use to man nor beast!!

So, why feeling a hypocrite?
Well, I have always been rather vocal about women at work who have time off during their pregnancy. I even remember, a few years ago, asking to have my chair back off a pregnant girly and when someone pointed this out, I replied 'Thats her choice not mine!!'. If that person remembers I'm gonna get it in the neck!!

If a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it, then does it make a sound?

If a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it, then does it make a sound?
If we don't tell anyone the good news, am I really pregnant?

Are they still here?

Weekend visit from the brother of the Bull (nearly 40, no kids) and his wife. Spent the weekend convinced they would be able to tell. She's a nurse for gods sake!! I thought it was bound to be obvious when I didn't have my usual amount of wine, but after her second I don't think she really noticed.

Saturday night we had a small BarBQ for the Bulls dad who was 65 and a few of the family; including the sister and her daughter who is two. I still don't have any maternal instincts with regards to other peoples children. Given when she wanted to go to the toilet - and promptly took her nappy off and left it on my lawn - it was the other brothers wife (nurse) who took her; not me! I just stood watching at the window wondering who was going to deal with the discarded nappy.

The next time we see the brother and his wife will probably be the first game of the football season (11th August: Week 12). If all goes well we shall probably tell them then. I've always thought they would get around to it before us, but listening to them this weekend I still think they will be a few years yet - if at all. I am sure the look on their faces is going to be priceless!!

Friday Morning - Week 7

I feel very sick this morning. Got THE letter from the hospital. Scan Date: Friday 17th August 2007 at 9.35am. Clinic: Obstetrics (Ante-Natal).

Oh My God! Its there in Black and White! It must be real. Its not a dream after all.

BUT...Its so hard not being able to tell anyone. Because we can't discuss it in public, its like it isn't really happening. But I can't remember what it was that The Bull and I used to talk about before it happened....

'Am I just Paranoid?'

sang Green Day (Basket case)

So, Monday over and I've told my Supervisor the situation. I asked her not to tell anyone.
First thing this morning (Tuesday) and the girl I sit opposite - who is my team leader and friend of said Supervisor – shows me her copy of Glamour - with a pregnant Myleene Klass on the cover.....

Sometimes I give myself the creeps, Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up. I think I'm cracking up......

'Rainy Days and Mondays….

always get me down.....' sang the Carpenters.

Never did like Mondays at the best of times but this was the first Monday morning after finding out and I felt so rough! Then there was the added worry that I had no petrol in the car – what if it ran out on the way to work and all I can do is throw up?

The alarm went off at 6am as usual and I was up and down, up and down. I have not actually been physically sick yet but what is it about brushing your teeth that makes you want to gag? Should I go to work or stay at home in bed I kept asking myself? But after having had three days off work only 2 weeks ago (which I now know to be related but didn’t realise at the time) I didn’t want to ring in sick again. Also I had left a bit of paper in the bottom drawer of my desk which, if anyone saw, they might put two and two together and make a baby! That was the decider. I somehow forced myself into the car - along with my many provisions - and drove the 10 minutes (thank God!) to work. By the time I arrived I had made up my mind to tell my Supervisor and one time best friend.

I had just about managed to turn the computer on and forced down a banana by the time she arrived. I asked for a few minutes and once we were alone I was in such a state that I burst into tears. Once I told her the news so did she. I certainly felt better for having told someone at work but my main worry now is how long will it stay a secret and will anyone guess before its time?

Week 6

It's still raining. It seems to have been raining constantly since the test came back positive - is this an omen?

Not wanting to tempt fate, I went to the library yesterday and got out 3 books. Of course I had to hide them under a pile of other books in case anyone I knew happened to be in the library!
Saturday night therefore was spent reading each book in turn. The main topic I was looking for was with regards to Morning Sickness. Why is it that each book seemed to give conflicting information with regards to when it is going to hit? I have been feeling slightly nauseous for a few weeks and because I was feeling so ill, I actually did a test on the day I was due this month but it showed negative. One week later however it was positive. Since then I seem to have done nothing but eat. I was at the pub on Thursday with some friends from work and the last time we went out I was dieting. I wondered afterwards if anyone suspected (one of the girls is due in September) as not only did I have two courses but also finished off the chips that had been left!! At last I have an excuse not to beat myself up for needing to buy a larger size!! However, I'm still going to have to pretend I am still my old self for a few weeks. What is my old self? I'm already beginning to forget!

My partner (Contributor of Sperm, likes to be know as 'the Bull') was off with his band last night (www.7dw.co.uk), but as the smoking ban didn't start til today I thought I had better stay at home - just to be sure! Not wanting to tempt fate or exisiting in the 'safe' zone seems to be the order of the day at the moment. For the last 12 months I have felt in limbo waiting for each months period to arrive and now that I have a positive test I still feel I am in limbo waiting for the 12 week mark (and the scan) to be passed.

We have only so far told my mother - who reacted as expected and still hasn't stopped screaming with joy! My partners father who asked; 'Are you Pleased?' My brother - who gave one of his knowing smiles - and his fiance who was a bit more forthcoming with her emotions.

I also told my gym buddy who already has two girls. She wouldn't let me carry the shopping bags back from Asda so already I am seeing some benefits! At least we now have a valid excuse for not going to the gym for a few weeks....