Blog Baby 2

Another little boy born on 3rd August (just getting round to emailing people!) Isaac Joseph. He was only 4lb 14 and got distressed in the delivery so had to go into the Neo natal unit for a couple of days. Congratulations to Caroline and Rob.

Fear and Hope

Both fear and hope deal with uncertainty, but whether that uncertainty breeds fear or hope depends on the way you view a situation.

Couples go to great lengths to have children, with no idea what those children will be like or how they will find life as a parent - a real act of hope and an act of hope in a larger sense as well; that there will be a future world that is worthy of their children. Hope motivates us to plan for the future and to strive for the things we think will make us happy.

Emotional Rollercoaster: Claudia Hammond

To cut a long story short...

...we lost the baby. If this sounds matter-of-fact its because there is no other way to say it. I feel I need to write down what happened before I can get on with life and the next stage - whatever that may be!! I also feel I need to make a note of dates, times and information gathered in case they are needed in the future.

Scan was due Friday morning. Tuesday I actually started to feel human again and decided to clean through the house; which I did, getting a good sweat on. On Wednesday I felt a bit flat and then in the afternoon started to spot. I had sat at the computer for a while and so I put the period pains down to this and had a sleep for a while. However, when I woke up, I still felt bad and I was still spotting when I went to the toilet.

I rang my GP surgery and spoke to Dr T who told me it was normal. I rang my friend who I knew had had some spotting during her preganancy. I rang the hospital and asked for the Maternity Unit. A Midwife also told me this was normal; especially as I had been doing a lot of moving about yesterday. She told me to put my feet up and rest. By this time both my mother and The Bull were at home. Both were a bit panicky but I felt better for talking to people about it.

Thursday morning I rang the GP Surgery again and Dr T agreed to see me at 10am. He took my blood pressure and felt my stomach and pelvic area but there was no pain. He told me to rest and wait for the scan in the morning. The Bull stayed off work and we watched 'Hot Fuzz' in the evening to try and keep our minds off it. I was truely scared.

Scan was due at 9.35am on Friday 17th August at the Antenatal Clinic on the ground floor of the Maternity Unit. We arrived about 8.30am and I told the booking in lady I had been bleeding. I was told the midwives did not actually start until 9am but I was called just after 9am. I don't really remember much other than that damn song 'Africa' going round my head as I lay on the bed. The Bull reached out for me as the nurse asked how much pain I had been having. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned to me and said 'There is nothing here to suggest a 12 week pregnancy'. We were then left for a while before being taken through to a Midwife. I cannot believe how calm I was. I think deep down I had known.

I was then given a more intimate scan which showed that the baby had been about 5 weeks when it stopped growing. I was also told that I had some kind of cyst on my ovary which would need to be looked at. I was then given the three options....(Own Accord,Tablet,ERPC) Blood was taken and then we left.

The weekend is really a blur after that. I rang a few people. I sent a couple of texts and a few emails. I was conscious of just letting everyone know as soon as possible before they had chance to ask 'How did it go?'

We got to Sunday evening and I had the period pain still but I also had a glass of wine so things were a bit blurry. I told The Bull to go to the Pub and I just sat watching TV; feeling nothing but numb and the odd twinge. When he returned from the pub I realised the pain had got worse so I took 2 pain killers I had been given when I had the UTI. When I woke up 4hrs later and read the packet I panicked as it said I should only have taken one. This was the least of my worries as when I went to the toilet I was doubled over in pain and the blood was everywhere. I lay down on the floor and told The Bull to ring for an ambulance. Now, I hate hospitals, so he knew I was serious. I am not sure how long the Ambulance took - they said it could be up to 90mins - I think it took about 20mins. The two paramedics that came were great (joking about metronomes) and I was soon feeling better with the gas. After I started on the gas its all a bit of a fuzzy blur. It is good stuff but too much and you feel very weird. Found myself trying to be funny in A&E with the Junior Dr after he failed to get the IV into my arm the first time. 'A Levels were harder in my day' was what I think I said. But I was made to feel so much better by the nurse who said 'It must have been a Dibby one'.

I was then moved to Branston Ward (on the trolley) where a nice female Doctor examined me. I was then given a clean up and some paper knickers with what looked very much like a nappy. I then found myself in a room with my own toilet, but was told to 'go' into the receptical provided and advise the nurse when I had done so. (Poor Tricia who had to deal with me until she went off at 7am). This was not easy as I was attached to my IV and had to wheel it about. Dorothy took over. I still had the gas which helped a great deal but just after Tricia left it all became too much and I was given a morphine injection in my bum. I just thought she was going to inject my arm!! I think it was about this time another (young) male Doctor came and told me what was going to happen. He mentioned I may have to go to 'theatre'. Shortly thereafter I had a very bad panic attack (and then threw up) but Dorothy was very good and I soon felt a lot calmer; even more so once the morphine took effect. However, the side effect of loosing the pain was the nausea. I was given a shot via my IV to stop this. The Dr later returned with a nurse and a very bright light to examine me. I was reassured that I would not need to go to theatre as it had all come away. The clotting stopped about 12.30pm and I was finally allowed to leave about 4.30pm. I just had to face the terror of my mums stop-start driving through rush hour traffic.

Poor old Bull had to live through all this with me and with a slight hangover. He has certainly seen me at my worst now; paper knickers, plastic sheets..... At least he's prepared for when I'm 90!!

We had arranged to have a private Nuchal scan done on Tuesday (which has now come and gone) in Spilsby (£125). Website at: www.4dscanning.co.uk/

The letter I had drafted to HR stated my last day of work would be the 10th December (11th week before my EWC). I calculated if I took Ordinary Maternity Leave (26weeks) my date of return would be the 8th December 2008 (or 19th January 09). If I took Additional Maternity Leave (+26weeks) it would be the 15th June 2009 (23rd July). (I wasn't quite sure how Annual Leave fitted into all of this!). According to works policy; First 10 weeks of Maternity Leave you receive normal pay and for the subsequent 29weeks you receive lower rate of SMP (currently £108.85per week). Remaining 13weeks unpaid. Holidays continue to accrue at the contractual rate during your Maternity Leave.

Thank You Cow and Gate

Went for a dose of Accupuncture (www.lifestyles-hma.co.uk) yesterday in an attempt to calm myself before Friday. As usual I felt awful for the first 10-15 minutes but I think I was calmer once she took the needles out.

I also sent a plea for help to the Cow and Gate Advice servive at:http://www.cowandgate.co.uk/
They had this to say; Most mums to be will have similar worries before attending their first scan, it is only natural, but in most cases once mum is able to see her baby on the screen and she is reassured that all is well, mum can relax and actually enjoy the experience. I am sure you will agree that it is much better to have this early scan rather than worrying all the way through your pregnancy.

Having you partner present means you will have plenty of support and you will also be able to share in the joy of seeing your baby for the first time. I hope all goes well.
Kind regards Suzanne Johnson Baby Care Advisor

Week 12

Been a weekend of tears; what with one thing and another. My brothers wedding has been brought forward a year as his future mother-in-law has the big C. So much for me being slim and gorgeous in a new frock, I shall be 7 months pregnant and waddling around like an elephant. I hope this does not sound like I am just thinking of myself. I can't begin to understand what Carol is going through. Makes my pre-scan nerves look at big pathetic....

According to legend, one day a man was wandering in the desert when he met Fear and Plague. They said they were on their way to a large city where they were going to kill 10,000 people. The man asked Plague if he was going to do all the work. Plague smiled and said, "No, I'll only take care of a few hundred. I'll let my friend Fear do the rest. (Anon)

Maybe......

.......we don't go to hell for the things we do, maybe we go to hell for the things we don't do.

http://www.chuckpalahniuk.com/quotes.php

Sober men don’t dance

Recently finished reading Happiness by Will Ferguson. What would happen if someone wrote the ultimate self-help book – one that really worked?

We’re not our possessions or our money or our social status. We are our personalities. Our foibles, our quirks, our eccentricities, our frustrations and our phobias; remove those and what do you have? Nothing. Just happy, mindless human shells. Blank eyes and bland expressions…

There is a discussion towards the end about the ‘Hellraiser’ Oliver Reed. Hellraisers rage and roar, and they celebrate life and they mourn its shortness. Hellraisers destroy only themselves, and they do it because they love life too much to fall asleep.

(Did I mention that I have not had a drop of alcohol for 12 weeks now?)

Blog Baby 1

First Blog Baby....Benjamin Thomas, born Wednesday 8th August at 18.07pm weighing 8lb 2oz. Brother for Emily. Happy parents Lynsey and Andy. Congratulations!!

Doctors Appointment (5)

My life truely flashed before my eyes yesterday when I fell down a hole that should have had a gate-post in it, but the gate was measured wrongly, did not get finished, and so a hole for me to fall into was left!! As I lay on the floor - with a large bag of frozen peas on my ankle - all I could think of was of my friend Julie who, a few years ago, fell over playing football in our garden and, although at the time there were shouts of 'its not broken,' she ended up having 6 weeks off work with her leg in a very large plaster!!

Luckily my leg was not broken, but I woke up at 4am this morning in a lot of pain. I think this is when the shock had worn off, as I cannot believe how calm I was at the time of the accident. I think The Bull was worried about the baby, but I knew from the other scars on my upper leg and my arm, that I had fallen on my side and not my front. Had a Drs appointment this morning anyway and she felt it best that I stay off work now until after the scan on the 17th (just over a week away).

I am conscious however, that I am not going to be able to walk for a few days. I shall have to force myself to relax and am going to try and sort out some of my relaxation tapes. I really did get quite panicky early this morning and started to worry about all kinds of things that perhaps really do not matter that much.

'Am I going to be able to cope?' I keep saying.
'Cope with what?' asks The Bull.
'Everything!' I reply.

California Dreaming

I think I am finally getting used to the idea - not just of having a baby, but also to the idea of having a child and being involved in their growth and development. This has mainly been sparked by some great TV that I have been forced to watch while I try to make 13 weeks. There have been a number of 'Incredible Brain' documentaries but also BBC2 have been showing Animal Park: Wild on the West Coast which has focused on the endangered species in California. In 1993 I was lucky enough to be able to visit America; including California where I met some fantastic people - Shad, Chris, Deloris, Gray and Andy etc. - pause while I go off dreaming of Monterey Bay, 17 Mile Drive, Pebble Beach Golf Club, Carmel, Clint Eastwood, Sly McFlys, the Pacific Coast Highway which led us to LA, Muscle Beach, Venice Beach, being rescued by Bay Watch, the hysterical Hat Shop, fabulous memories.....

Back to reality....While there, we were able to observe the work that goes on at the Monterey Bay Aquarium http://www.mbayaq.org/ I love otters and sea otters, but California sea otters numbers are not as they should be. Watching Animal Park has brought back some beautiful memories but also makes me think about the future of the planet and what my child will have to deal with. One thing is for certain, when they are old enough, I intend to take them to California, and meet the sea otters.

Week 11

Two weeks today and I will have had my scan and we can (fingers crossed) move out of limbo land!!

I remember reading somewhere that your mind will go when you are pregnant. I think mine has gone already!! I keep thinking of things and then seconds later its gone. I am having to carry a notebook and pen round with me everywhere so I don't forget things!!

And while the tiredness and nausea seem to be easing off a bit, the nest building seems to have kicked in big time (which of course brings the tiredness and nausea back). I have been sorting and chucking out huge piles of paper today and trying to make sense of the kitchen. I did manage to cook a lovely chilli at dinner for me and The Bull and then I sorted through all the cook books which have never been touched in the 5 (nearly 6) years we have lived here!!

My good friend Sarah visited yesterday. She only has one more week to go before she starts her maternity leave. Her due date is the 2nd September. She stayed for an hour and a half and it was great to be able to talk about everything that it happening, and will happen, to me!!

Apparently, people at work think I am either depressed or stressed. On any given day I can certainly manage either if not both of those!!