Not a lot is happening at the moment. Still trying....but nothing to report so far (unless you want me to go into the gory details of our attempts this month. Thought not!)
However, before Christmas I was referred to the Community Mental Health Team and on Monday I had my first appointment with a nice Nurse called Ian. We had a chat about many things but mainly the miscarriage and my father’s death 14years ago and how I am feeling right now. I told him that on occasions I am prone to great tearfulness (does that sound right?) which I find quite uncontrollable and distressing. We also talked about me officially leaving work in October and the idea of me having 6 months off to ‘see what happens’ but also to try and write that novel I have been talking about for years. Unfortunately, this hasn’t quite happened. It’s been three months since I left work and I am barely past the 20,000 word mark. Some might say this is a great achievement but I have a long way to go before the novel is complete and I seem to have wasted so many days with behaviors that verges on OCD. I am not constantly checking, but I feel a need to make sure the house is ‘just so’ before I sit down to right. Some days (too many days) it takes me so long to make the house ‘just right’ that I am too tired to do anything else and the writing gets forgotten until the next day when the cycle starts all over again….
Ian used the analogy of keeping everything in a locked room and not dealing with it and then the hinges starting to give way. I think a better analogy would be that of a dam threatening to break. I fear the tears and what could happen if I confront the feelings with regards to the miscarriage and my father’s death and this makes me try to maintain a high level of control in order to stop this from happening.
Prior to seeing Ian I did read a precise of the book; Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz www.ocduk.org/2/foursteps.htm. The concept is of Mindfulness which is something I have come across in the past. The idea is to attempt to Re-Label your thoughts. The book does not talk about OCD as a psychological problem, but more of a mis-firing of your behavioral responses and a chemical imbalance. The front part of your brain is overactive and uses excessive energy (stuck in gear). If you learn to re-label your thoughts and therefore control your behavioral responses (thoughts and urges) you will learn to resist the false messages i.e. I’m having a compulsive urge to….I don’t really need to….
Then you Reattribute these urges It’s not me. It’s my OCD. Don’t take the thoughts at face value. You don’t have to listen or act on them. They are false messages. You can’t make them go away, but you can shift gear and go and do something else. If you follow the urges you will only get a momentary relief.
You then Refocus onto another behavior / activity. Wait approx. 15 minutes before you act. Introduce a time delay before the compulsion.
Be mindful when you do the behavior the first time i.e. locking the door. Take in all the details and have a mental picture which you can refer to and can say This is my OCD.
Re-Label the OCD. My stupid obsession. Ignore it and get on with other things. Work around your OCD.
For our next meeting in two weeks, I have to do a precise of my mother and our relationship. One of the ‘problems’ I have in my life is that no-one has ever really talked about my dad since the day he died. Its like no-one dare mention it in case the flood gates open. This is certainly how I see it, but it hasn’t helped trying to have a ‘relationship’ with my mother and brother who both shy away (as I do) from such a conversation. I feel terrible having to think about / talk about my mother in a therapy session. I don’t want to be seen as name calling, but we all know there are issues that I must address before I can move on.
Ian suggested I investigate attending a Yoga class. I have been onto the British Wheel of Yoga website: www.bwy.org.uk/and have sent a number of emails to local practitioners so we shall see what happens.
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Friday, 11 January 2008
First Doctors Appointment of 2008
It has been 5 months since 'the trouble' and I thought I had better go back and check that everything was on track. I have been worried over the last few months as my periods seemed to be more like the start of the miscarriage than a period. Needless to say this has been a bit distressing. However, I feel a lot better now because as long as my cycle is regular, it should mean I am ovulating and therefore back to 'normal.' I also asked about my cyst; as when I do any exercise I can feel a niggle down my left side. Its nothing really painful, but I have been referred for another scan just to check it hasn't grown any more.
Monday, 7 January 2008
The Secret of Gratitude
I don’t remember how or when I started to receive the Cygnus Review http://www.cygnus-books.co.uk/ but it is truly an inspiring publication and one that is free! It recommends a series of books (that you can buy via the review) but is never pushy and frankly gives a lot of information for free.
There is a section in January’s issue written by Rhonda Byrne of The Secret. She says: It is impossible to bring more good into your life if you are feeling ungrateful for what you have. Thoughts and feelings you emit as you feel ungrateful attract a life filled with more things to feel ungrateful about…….Imagine that the universe (which is all-good) is like the sun. The sun continually shines, sending out its life energy to us in a never-ending stream. You experience the effect of the sun when you are facing it, but if you turn away you will no longer receive its life giving effects. The universe is like the sun. When you complain, blame, criticize, feel resentment, jealousy or any negative emotion, you are turning away from all that is good. Making a regular list of all the things you are grateful for is one of the most powerful tools you can ever use to transform your life into total joy. When you write about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending list of thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for.
There is a section in January’s issue written by Rhonda Byrne of The Secret. She says: It is impossible to bring more good into your life if you are feeling ungrateful for what you have. Thoughts and feelings you emit as you feel ungrateful attract a life filled with more things to feel ungrateful about…….Imagine that the universe (which is all-good) is like the sun. The sun continually shines, sending out its life energy to us in a never-ending stream. You experience the effect of the sun when you are facing it, but if you turn away you will no longer receive its life giving effects. The universe is like the sun. When you complain, blame, criticize, feel resentment, jealousy or any negative emotion, you are turning away from all that is good. Making a regular list of all the things you are grateful for is one of the most powerful tools you can ever use to transform your life into total joy. When you write about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending list of thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for.
Monday, 31 December 2007
Self Help 2
The Mental Health Team I visited in November recommended Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert (2000) Robinson, London. I must admit; though I am not totally sure that I am 'suffering' from Depression (I feel its something that comes and goes rather than being with me all the time) I found it very useful. I have therefore highlighted a few of the main and - I think - most important points below:
Shoulds and musts and oughts. We feel very disappointed when things don’t turn out as the ‘should’ says. Depression is commonly associated with blocks to major life goals. It is often helpful therefore, to explore in what way you feel blocked in your goals and/or feel socially thwarted, frustrated and disappointed. This frustration and disappointment will relate to your expectations, hopes, aspirations and ideals. Are your ideals realistic? Are you disappointed because you feel ashamed at not making your ideals?
Emotions and their uses:
Anger tends to be brought into play when goals are blocked – it makes us try harder. It can also be used to retaliate against another person if he/she is the source of the blocking or threat. Anxiety is focused on threats – it gives us a sense of urgency, prompting us to do something to escape or reduce the potential harm of a threat. Disgust makes us want to expel noxious substances or turn away from them. Jealousy may be useful to ensure that actual or potential lovers stay loyal. Love cements bonds and makes people support and care for each other. Guilt makes us wary of exploiting or harming others, and prompts us to try to repair the relationship if we do.
Paul believes (as many others do) that depression is caused by automatic thinking. Once you begin to question your thoughts, you can begin to heal the depression. Think: What is the evidence that may support my belief and what is the evidence that may not support it? How would I typically see this if I were not depressed? To what degree therefore is this way of thinking reflecting my mood state rather than some ‘truth’? What alternatives might there be to this view? What other explanations may there be for this event? If I had a friend who felt like this, how would I help them to see this differently? How could I break this problem down into smaller chunks?
I wish you a Happy New Year - Wherever, Whoever, Whatever you may be!!
Shoulds and musts and oughts. We feel very disappointed when things don’t turn out as the ‘should’ says. Depression is commonly associated with blocks to major life goals. It is often helpful therefore, to explore in what way you feel blocked in your goals and/or feel socially thwarted, frustrated and disappointed. This frustration and disappointment will relate to your expectations, hopes, aspirations and ideals. Are your ideals realistic? Are you disappointed because you feel ashamed at not making your ideals?
Emotions and their uses:
Anger tends to be brought into play when goals are blocked – it makes us try harder. It can also be used to retaliate against another person if he/she is the source of the blocking or threat. Anxiety is focused on threats – it gives us a sense of urgency, prompting us to do something to escape or reduce the potential harm of a threat. Disgust makes us want to expel noxious substances or turn away from them. Jealousy may be useful to ensure that actual or potential lovers stay loyal. Love cements bonds and makes people support and care for each other. Guilt makes us wary of exploiting or harming others, and prompts us to try to repair the relationship if we do.
Paul believes (as many others do) that depression is caused by automatic thinking. Once you begin to question your thoughts, you can begin to heal the depression. Think: What is the evidence that may support my belief and what is the evidence that may not support it? How would I typically see this if I were not depressed? To what degree therefore is this way of thinking reflecting my mood state rather than some ‘truth’? What alternatives might there be to this view? What other explanations may there be for this event? If I had a friend who felt like this, how would I help them to see this differently? How could I break this problem down into smaller chunks?
I wish you a Happy New Year - Wherever, Whoever, Whatever you may be!!
Friendship - Part Two
Here is the poem I promised about friendship at Christmas:-
Rhyme to remember my friends
I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book.
And every year at Christmas time I go and have a look.
And that is when I realize that these names are a part,
Not of the book they’re written in, but of my very heart.
For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime.
And in that meeting they’ve become the rhythm of rhyme.
And while this sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,
I really feel I am composed of each remembered name.
And while you may not be aware of any special link,
Just meeting you shaped my life more than you think.
For once you’ve met somebody, the years cannot erase.
The memory of a pleasant word or of a friendly face.
So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,
Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas card that is addressed to you,
It’s because you’re on the list of folks I am indebted to.
For you are but a total of the many folks I’ve met,
And you happen to be of those I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you for many years or few,
In some way you have a part to play in shaping things I do.
For every year when Christmas comes, I realize anew,
The biggest gift that life can give is meeting folks like you.
And may the spirit of Christmas that forever and ever endures
Leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours.
Peter Scarcliffe, Lincoln (This poem appeared in the Lincolnshire Echo a few years ago and I have kept it in my 'Christmas Box' so am reminded of it every year. I don't know Peter, but Thanks to him wherever he may be. )
Rhyme to remember my friends
I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book.
And every year at Christmas time I go and have a look.
And that is when I realize that these names are a part,
Not of the book they’re written in, but of my very heart.
For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime.
And in that meeting they’ve become the rhythm of rhyme.
And while this sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,
I really feel I am composed of each remembered name.
And while you may not be aware of any special link,
Just meeting you shaped my life more than you think.
For once you’ve met somebody, the years cannot erase.
The memory of a pleasant word or of a friendly face.
So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,
Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas card that is addressed to you,
It’s because you’re on the list of folks I am indebted to.
For you are but a total of the many folks I’ve met,
And you happen to be of those I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you for many years or few,
In some way you have a part to play in shaping things I do.
For every year when Christmas comes, I realize anew,
The biggest gift that life can give is meeting folks like you.
And may the spirit of Christmas that forever and ever endures
Leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours.
Peter Scarcliffe, Lincoln (This poem appeared in the Lincolnshire Echo a few years ago and I have kept it in my 'Christmas Box' so am reminded of it every year. I don't know Peter, but Thanks to him wherever he may be. )
Friday, 21 December 2007
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Friendship
You can spend your life trying to be popular but, at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather. Frank Skinner
Friendship is a strange animal and Christmas is the time when cards and emails appear from people you have not seen or heard from in 12 months. Are these people friends or simply acquaintance's? And if we continue sending cards every year, but never see each other again for the next twenty years, is that a good thing? I have a poem somewhere which sums this up beautifully....
Friendship is a strange animal and Christmas is the time when cards and emails appear from people you have not seen or heard from in 12 months. Are these people friends or simply acquaintance's? And if we continue sending cards every year, but never see each other again for the next twenty years, is that a good thing? I have a poem somewhere which sums this up beautifully....
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