Ask Me How I Feel (again)?

I feel awful (thanks for asking). Period Number 2 has kicked in - and it being 'on time' is the only good thing about it. This time it started just like the miscarriage. A few spots of blood when I went to the toilet and nothing else. And then there were the tears! And then it really started!! And don't ask me about the headache! And don't forget the ache that I seem to have acquired after 38 years of near perfect skin.....

And then yesterday I had a disaster in the kitchen when I managed to smash 6 perfect eggs at once. Through the tears I was heard to say; Breaking eggs. It's the story of my life...

Bet you're glad you asked now - arn't you?

Ask Me How I Feel?

And I will say I don't really know.... Today I handed in my notice from my job. It was exactly 3 months yesterday since I was first signed off sick and I just can't see myself going back. I sent an email to a few 'select' people at work which said: Just a short note to let you all know, that today (Friday) I handed in my resignation from the FSC. It's not that I don't want / need a job, its just that I can't see myself making it back to Cargill in the near future (if at all).
Also, K is due the same week I would have been, and it would be too hard for me to deal with that everyday. My doctor was willing to sign me off for 'as long as it takes', but that would not be fair on the people that I have left behind. I don't intend to rush into another job and I am hoping to get something part time until I feel 100% back to my old self. Please keep in touch and let me know your news.
I think that says it all really.....

Tears and Pain

We cannot change the past or predict the future but we can notice what is happening around us right now, instead of living in our heads.

Friday and Saturday there were a lot of tears. I am not really sure where they all came from. They just kept welling up inside me. People kept asking 'What's the Matter?' and I could not put my finger on a specific. Just 'Everything'. However, Monday came around and I felt OK again; went for a long walk in the morning, and then made a spinning session later in the evening. However, had not lost anymore weight this week and actually gained a pound! Woke up this morning and feel very stiff from all the physical activity, but at least the tears have subsided...There are still a lot of things going on at the moment - in my head and physically - and so the tears were probably just a reaction to this.

Visiting Time

Went to visit a good friend – as in a friend who has been good to me – this morning, but came away thinking perhaps it had been all me and I had not listened as much as I had talked. It was easy to see she is suffering with an 8 week old who is not sleeping through the night (like her first) and is throwing up everything that he is fed.

This is what my friend had to say about 'the trouble' in a previous email:
All I can say is the less stress you put on yourself the better when trying to conceive and in the first 12 weeks. Also we lost our baby over a year ago it was about 11 weeks old we never got an explanation but they always say it is down to chromozones but luckily 3 months later I conceived again and went full term. Strange thing was or coincidence he was born on the day I lost our baby!!! It has taken me a while to come to terms with loosing our baby but we bought a willow tree ornament angel in memory of our baby and its on my mantlepiece with all my other willow tree ornaments representing all our family. I know its hard right now but it does get easier. Just give yourself time to grieve properly and don't rush into anything.

And then today my visit to the Psychologist was cancelled. Part of me was pleased, but part of me had really wanted a chat. I think this was because I didn’t get much of a chat yesterday (what with 2 young children about) . I don’t really want to bother those closest, as they have heard it all before. What is the problem I hear you ask? Simply that I am worried I am not getting any better, but fear I may be getting worse. I still feel mildly anxious a lot of the time. When I analyze this, my problem seems to be fear of illness i.e. fear of being ill. Fear of Miscarriage again? I am worried about a) getting pregnant and b) loosing it again. I am sure this is perfectly normal but it seems to cast a shadow over things at the moment.

Stressed Women 'more likely to have a baby girl'

An article in the Daily Mail at the weekend (Fiona MacRae: Science Reporter) highlighted research that showed Stressed mothers-to-be are more likely to have girls than boys. Results showed that those judged to be stressed were 5% more likely to have a girl than those deemed relaxed. The University of Aarhus in Denmark said it is unclear why stress skews the sex ratio, as the gender of a baby is determined by chromosomes in the fathers sperm. However, it is possible that high levels of stress hormones may make it more difficult for male embryos to implant and stressed women may be more likely to miscarry male babies. British fertility experts have warned that stress in the womb is linked to health problems in later life including high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes. Worrying during preganany may also stunt a child's intelligence. Interesting??

Hospital Visit 4

Today I had an appointment with the Consultant with regards to the results of my scan (see Hospital Visit 3). I was told, that as it was a 6cm 'simple' cyst it should not cause any problems. I was told to come back if I had any problems with it, but if not I would be seen again for another scan in 6 months to check on its progress. I also had a blood test to check on my hormone levels.

The Bull came with me to the hospital and the hardest part was the fact that it was in the same place (the Maternity Unit) as where I had my 13 week scan. I didn't think it would upset me, but when a couple walked past with what was obviously their scan photo I could not help but cry. When I went in to see the Consultant she asked if anything was wrong. I didn't have the strength to explain, but I though she might have realised.....We did ask if the cyst would in any way hinder another pregnancy, but we were assured that it should be fine.

Got home and sent Human Resources at work an email requesting clarification of when my sick pay finishes. I worked out last night I am in my 12th week, and on the day of my next Drs appointment it will be exactly 13 weeks!! I also asked about returning to work part time.

Back to the Gym - One week on..

Today I weighed myself and I have lost 3 pounds in a week!! Completed another hour of spinning and felt like I had lost another few pounds!! That is the good news.

The bad news is that when the Occupational Health nurse rang from work on Thursday she said the company stop paying me after 13 weeks….